Ending a relationship with someone you share kids with can be extra tough. In addition to all of the regular breaking up rituals and requirements, you know that you'll still have to stay in touch with your ex very regularly for the rest of your life.
For some couples, this isn't too big of a deal. For others, it's pretty tough, and it can be even more difficult if there are contentious issues to deal with.
One man recently confronted his ex after she told him she wanted to change their kids' last names, and it sounds like things aren't going to be great between them for quite some time. He shared the story on Reddit and asked for insight from others.
He explains that they don't really get along.
The man and his ex don't get along well at all:
"Ex and I broke up five years ago. We're civil enough for our kids sake but there is a lot of bad blood there that can't be undone easily. And this kind of discussion makes it harder."
She recently remarried, and has ... ideas.
His ex has moved on, which is fine, but she wants to change the last name of their kids to a hyphenated last name with her new husband's name added.
"So ex got married a year ago and is seven months pregnant with another child," he said. "She sent me an email not too long ago saying her and her husband have discussed adding their last name to our kids' last name."
She said the kids were fine, but they aren't.
She told him the kids were OK with the idea, but it doesn't seem like they really are:
"She said the kids had already been informed of their plans and were on board. But when my kids brought it up to me two days before ex said anything the kids mentioned it and said they didn't want their names changed and my daughter was upset because she took it as it was happening regardless of how they feel. My son got the same impression."
He shot the idea down.
"I replied to ex that I did not consent and I would not discuss the issue further. It was short and simple and that was all I planned to do."
Unfortunately, things didn't end there.
His ex started arguing, and they had a pretty intense back-and-forth:
"But then I got a slew of emails from her expressing that I was being a dick and we should discuss issues pertaining to our children and that I am denying the kids of what they want and she'll take me to court over this regardless. I told her that was fine if she wanted to waste money in court I would see her there."
His friends are split, so he's asking Reddit for advice.
The man wants to know what people on Reddit think, and they were happy to let him know.
"I think it was nice of OP [the original poster] not to put his kids in it by saying they don't want it either," one commenter said. "OP can just as easily 'suggest' they have the husband change his name, and give the new kid the same last name as OP. What? Then they can all have the same last name… isn't that nice?"
Some people suggested the kids have their own representation.
If things do escalate, one person suggested the kids have their own representation at court. That way, an independent party can validate and verify what the kids really want:
"Your kids told you they didn't want this. You're backing them up and being their voice. Let her take you to court. Can you get them their own representation (GAL/CASA)?"
Ultimately, the kids need to be supported.
Quite a few people hit the nail on the head: This is, or should be, about what the kids really want. As one commenter noted:
"If this were something about which the kids were sincerely enthusiastic, my answer would be different but since the kids don't want this and just feel like it's going to be done despite their wishes, you have a duty to back them up and protect their rights."
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