The period that follows the birth of a child is exhausting, transformative, loving, scary, and so many other things — and that's just the start of it. Start adding on family members and their opinions and desires when it comes to the new baby and things can go from manageable to impossible really quickly.
One new mom recently shared on Reddit that she's not sure if the relationship her mother-in-law is building with her newborn is OK and typical, or if it's something else. Now she wants help figuring it out.
They got along great before the baby was born.
"My MIL and I got along great before my LO arrived," the new mom begins. "When my LO was born that changed. She had offered up her help but after spending so much time at our home, she began misunderstanding things I was saying and took offense to them. I had no idea anything was wrong until she unloaded everything on me a week later, with many nasty words. I was hurt, especially since I was already feeling so many emotions and still hurting physically from giving birth just one week prior. I have since apologized, but never received one back. I tried to let things go, but she has been treating me differently since that day."
At first, the baby was going over to her mother-in-law's home often.
"For now, I am a stay-at-home mom and my MIL has a day or two off each week," she continues. "My MIL wants me to bring my LO over each week on her day off. At first, I went and stayed there for the visit but my MIL ignored me most of the time so I just sat around bored while she played with my daughter. If something came up regarding parenting, I let her know what we were doing for my LO (ie TV time) as kindly as I could, trying to avoid the fights that had happened when my LO was born. She ignored me or told me she disagreed and would proceed to do whatever she wanted."
The visits wipe the mom out.
"I felt unwelcome, so after she kept telling me she wanted to take her so I 'could have a break', I gave it a shot. But it was exhausting! I was now packing my daughter's things, making sure I have everything and extras, guessing how much milk to pull from the freezer (I am exclusively breastfeeding), sanitizing bottles, driving over, coming back, just to have to pump, wash the pump dishes, pick her back up, clean those bottles, throw out the wasted milk, and worry about if she ate enough since she doesn't do well with bottles and have a cranky baby the remainder of the day because she never sleeps as well there."
So now she wants her mother-in-law to come to her.
"The wasted milk is the hardest part for me. I watched my milk supply dwindle. I was running out of milk for more important things. Plus, I didn't get anything done around the house with all that and didn't feel like I had a break.
"I decided I needed to put myself first recently. So, when she asked for me to bring her over I told her no, I don't have enough milk but she is welcome to come to my house."
She wants to know if this is all too much.
"She made excuses but eventually started coming over when she realized I was saying no every time. I kept my distance so it'd be similar to what she wants. I thanked her for coming by to help, said it's easier for me than bringing her there, especially when it comes to feeding her. She ignored me.
"Is it common for grandparents to get time with the baby like my MIL wants? She does babysit when my husband and I go on the occasional date, but this feels excessive to me."
People think the mother-in-law is overstepping.
One of the most popular replies lays it out like this: "You are the parent of your child. You make the decisions for your child. If you set limits for their time together or say you have to go, you get to make those choices, not her. I'll be entirely honest, I don't know you, I don't know your relationship, but if someone, even my own parents, so blatantly crossed my established boundaries with my child, they might get one warning before I cut off contact."
They think the mother-in-law's behavior is odd.
"It's really unusual for an exclusively breastfed child to spend a lot of time away from mum if there's no need for it (work, illness etc)," another commenter says. "It's strange your MIL doesn't appreciate that. I think you're really nice giving her time to come over to your house."
Ultimately, the mom has a choice here.
"It is common for grandparents to have time with the baby like your MIL wants, but again if she's completely ignoring you parenting wise then you don't have to do it," adds a commenter.
"It's always your choice when it comes to your child. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it or that you're doing the wrong thing. You raise your kid however you see best because at the end of the day no one is gonna know your kid better than you."
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