Imagine this: You've been with someone for six years, and you've been engaged for two of them. It's finally time to plan the wedding, but then his parents start meddling with your affairs.
It's pretty common, especially for families who have difficulty letting go or seeing their children become adults. But when everyone involved is well into their 30s, that's another story. It can also feel pretty invasive.
A woman posted on Reddit to see if she was in the wrong after a very awkward conversation with her significant other's parents — parents who you'd assume would know her pretty well based on the duration of the relationship. And it's a reminder that when it comes to marriage, you and your partner need to strongly be on the same page.
"My fiance and I have been together for about 6 years, engaged for 2," she said, noting that she was 32 and he was 38. "After we got engaged, we sat down and had the 'deal breakers' talk. Basically things in our lives, our futures, hypothetical situations that leave little room for compromise (ie adopting children, finances, family boundaries, religion etc)." For the record, that talk is crucial in any long-term relationship.
"One of the things on my list was no pre-nup," she said. "I'm not here to debate with anyone about their use, I just think that if you're preparing for divorce before even getting married, it's a sign that you're probably marrying the wrong person. He agreed and everything was fine." She assumed that was that.
But his mom kept thinking that was a bad idea.
It's often hard to quiet parents, but the the original poster (OP) seems to have had a tough time getting her future mother-in-law to drop the subject. "I've told her no many times, said this is an issue between us and we will discuss it privately and make our own decisions as a couple," the OP said. "He also tells her no, although more weakly."
The future mother-in-law then took things into her own hands. "Well, last night we went there for dinner and she brought out an actual pre-nup drafted by her lawyer. She put it in front of me after dinner and told me to sign. Obviously I didn't even read it let alone sign it," said the OP. "She called me a gold digger."
And that's when she decided that enough was enough.
"No one, including my fiance stood up for me so I stood up for myself," she said. "I told her that there is no gold to dig here: I make four times as much as he makes (I'm an MD and he dropped out second year), I've paid off all my student debt (he has over 100K left), I have my own house, ample savings and will certainly inherit more from my parents than he will from his (they have 6 kids and are middle class). What is she worried about? That shut her up real quick especially when my SIL then said 'if anything, he's the gold digger here.'"
That might have seemed like a shocking twist, but it shouldn't have been. Women are dominating so many fields these days, and it's tiresome to keep the stereotype that women are always after money. After so many conversations about the topic, it feels right that the mother-in-law was embarrassed. She was served up the truth because she pushed too far.
Unfortunately, it caused issues with her partner.
Again, the future husband had to have known the truth. And maybe he should have been more straightforward with his mom. But he became upset. "My fiance is now angry with me. He said it was emasculating for his family to know I'm so much more successful than him and his brothers are making jokes and changed his contact info to 'gold digger'. Personally, I don't think I was rude or out of line," she said.
Could she have been a bit kinder? That depends on how she delivered the grand slam. But most Redditors believe that she did nothing wrong, especially since her character was being attacked. Being accused of marrying someone for their money is truly offensive, especially after six years together.
One Redditor got right to the point.
"If there's anything 'emasculating' here, it's that your fiance can't keep mommy out of his relationships even as he approaches 40," wrote fuzzyfuzzyfungus. And they're absolutely correct. Even if OP's husband-to-be disagreed with her, it's not right to loop mom in to try to fight that battle. If mom came out of left field, it should be his job to shut her down.
Corpuscular_Ocelot said that the whole post was riddled with red flags about this guy and his family. "The fact that he didn't defend you is a huge red flag," they wrote. "The fact that he feels emasculated is a huge red flag. The fact that he blames you instead of his mother is the biggest red flag. His mother thought it was a test to see if you are good enough for her son. It was actually a test to see if he is good enough for you. He failed."
Don't forget — when you marry someone, you marry their family.
His family showed their true colors in that they're willing to take control of other people's situations for them without being asked. The mom bringing the lawyer in was an embarrassing move, but it shows what she's truly capable of. What happens when it comes to other marital decisions? Who will call the shots?
The Redditors who didn't suggest for the two of them to cancel did say that a prenup would be a good idea — for her. If she wants to marry him, she needs to protect everything she has. But she needs to prepare for this situation to get worse at some point. When someone shows you who they are, you have to believe them. And this guy seems to put his own reputation over the feelings of his soon-to-be wife.
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