Woman Balks When Asked To Use Her Own Inheritance To Pay Her Stepdaughter’s College Bills

"My dad died when I was in high school; he'd been sick a long time and he planned for the end well in advance. My sister and I had a trust set up for our inheritance. Once we were 18 we received $2500 a year. The rest was off-limits until we turned 30. Dad wanted us to be responsible before we got the majority of the money, so we wouldn't just waste it in our early 20s. The inheritance is, well, substantial. Dad was an entrepreneur with a lot of successful businesses. Not enough to live off of forever, but it's a good safety net and an investment for the future."

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That all checks out: Her dad was sick, and he wanted to know that his daughters would be OK. It's really admirable. The woman also has really reasonable plans for how she wants to spend the money:

"I've had plans for the money for a while. I want to pursue a PhD, which has been a long term goal, and use the money to upgrade our home, and, my biggest goal of all, adopt a child. The rest will be split into my retirement and savings."

Obviously, upgrading their home and adopting a child would be two decisions she and her husband would work on together. The woman has already demonstrated that she's happy to use the money for common goals that they share, but at the end of the day, this money is her money, full stop.

"While we usually have shared finances, the inheritance is 100% mine and is in its own bank account. My husband has no legal right to it. That being said, most of my plans for the money involve him as well, obviously. I've been upfront about the money since we met, as well as how I intend to spend it."

Even though she's been really clear about how she plans to spend the money, it seems that her husband now has other ambitions for it:

"My husband asked if I'd be willing to start contributing to my step daughter's college fund, which he and his wife have been putting money into since she was little. Her school of choice is out of state, which makes cost astronomically higher… I'm fine with helping her some, for basics like food or gas or utilities, but tuition and fees and room and board are expensive, and I don't want to put thousands of dollars toward it."

The reason her husband and his ex-wife need a little financial assistance is that they've spent a lot of money on medical expenses over the years:

"He said they haven't been able to invest as much as they wanted toward her fund since their son has unexpected medical expenses a few years ago, and they needed more money for his doctor/hospital/carer. She really wants to go to this school, which I understand, but we live less than 40 minutes from a university. She's been studying hard and is a good student, so I think she'll get in if she applies."

Unfortunately, when she told her husband that she wasn't really comfortable funding her stepdaughter's out-of-state tuition, he wasn't really happy:

"I told my husband she needs to stay in-state, and I won't be using a big chunk of money that I plan to invest in our future on expenses for an out of state school. He's a bit irate and says I have a responsibility to her, and we're a family."

He's not exactly wrong: When she signed up to marry her husband, she knew that he had two children, and that supporting those children would be part of the package. But she's been upfront with her plans from the beginning, and it's a little weird that he sprang this on her a year into their marriage.

The woman says she doesn't think her decision is wrong, but she's not sure.

"I don't think I'm being selfish, and I hate to see her disappointed, but he's known since the beginning that I already have plans for the money."

Opinions on whether or not the woman is in the wrong largely fall on how people feel about communal property already. If you are inclined to believe what an individual owns belongs exclusively to that individual no matter what, then you probably won't think she owes anyone the money. But if you believe that a family shares their resources, you might think she should help support her stepdaughter.

Many people are also unsure if they think stepparents have any kind of responsibility in terms of covering college and other expenses for their stepchildren. However, the system is less ambiguous. For example, FAFSA — the  Free Application for Federal Student Aid — looks at the income of a student's custodial parent when assessing how much a student can pay for on their own.

According to FAFSA, "the custodial parent is the one the child lived with the most in the past 12 months or the one who provided more of the child's financial support in the past 12 months." If a child has lived with one parent who has remarried, then the stepparent's income and assets will also be accounted for.

However, if the noncustodial parent has remarried, their income doesn't factor into FAFSA's decision-making process, which also means that any associated stepparents wouldn't have their information dragged into the process as well. Families who are hoping to maximize their financial aid options should definitely make sure they are up to date on this information.

Some people on Reddit had really helpful suggestions:

"I'm hijacking the top comment to recommend community college for the first two years if 4 years of private school is too expensive. It takes planning, but I got into very good private and out-of-state universities when I was ready to transfer.

"I know emotions run high around dreams for college, but this step into adulthood is really not a time anyone can afford to be dreamy about anymore. It's time to research alternatives and hard, pragmatic decision making. There's more than one way to be successful."

Another person pointed out that her dad even took extra measures to make sure she could use the money how she wanted:

"He wanted to provide for YOU, for YOU to have a good life. He put all kinds of safeguards around the money to make sure that you were able to make the decisions that would allow you to do that. You'd be going against your DAD's wishes if you did this. Your husband is completely out of line. Tell him you won't betray your beloved father and this is the end of the discussion. That is not what the money is for."

The woman has also only known her stepdaughter for three years, so it's not as if this is a child she's raised to adulthood. The couple has only been married for a year, and people think it's pretty telling that the husband is bringing this up now, despite knowing how his wife felt about the money from the beginning.

As a commenter noted: "And conversely: he waited until a year after marriage to say this despite OP [the original poster] being upfront from the start and the fact that the issue isn't novel (the medical expenses date back a few years, so he knew when he married OP that he wasn't where he wanted with his daughter's college fund)."

Ultimately, people seem pretty much in agreement that in this situation, the woman isn't responsible for her stepdaughter's tuition, but if she wanted to be nice, she could do other things for her instead.

"In your shoes, I would furnish my stepdaughter's dorm room and if she is responsible maybe get her a used car from an auto auction. Tuition is the responsibility of her parents – Especially because they're both alive and both active in her life. I would have loved to have the best blankets and pillows and lights and a nice little mini-fridge; nice size TV and a few months supply of laundry detergent and soap and all those things.

"I'm sure you will be a blessing to her parents if you really set her dorm up and provided her with toiletries to last her the first few months in college, no matter where she goes. I can't imagine asking my husband to pay for my daughter's college when her father is around to help pay along with me. I'm sure if I mention it and he found it in his heart to contribute, great, but I certainly wouldn't expect it. At the end of the day she has both of her parents and you as a bonus parent. "