Starting a family isn’t always easy. Many couples struggle with infertility, which can make the holidays difficult. One woman does not want to spend Christmas with her husband’s side because her sister and brother-in-law recently had a new baby.
This caused tension between the woman and her mother-in-law. Her husband also disagrees with her choice. The woman decided to take to Reddit’s popular AITA forum to see if she was wrong.
She's back for more.
The woman starts out by saying this isn’t her first time posting on Reddit. It helped last time, so she decided to come back for more advice. “My (33F) husband (34M) and I have struggled with [trying to conceive] for more than 3 years,” she began. “It shouldn’t have been this long but we were only able to get a referral to a fertility clinic a year after we started trying and the fertility clinic itself had a waiting list, and when we finally were able to see a fertility doctor he did an HSG, then sent us home to try some more on our own. All in all lots of waiting. I don’t really want to get into how I feel about al of this – I think anyone who has gone through infertility gets it. It’s a depressing place to be in.”
The sister-in-law is pregnant and the woman isn't too happy for her.
The woman goes on to explain that her husband is not very close to his family, especially his sister. She feels like if they were not related, they would not have a relationship. “Last year out of nowhere, our SIL (my husbands sister) and BIL announced they were expecting,” she continued. “They hadn’t dated that long and don’t really have stable jobs and are quite younger than us (SIL is 27), so we weren’t expecting this. My parents in law were absolutely ecstatic , since it’s the first grand child in the family.”
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Christmas is canceled.
The woman justifies her desire to not attend Christmas by explaining she does not feel that close to these family members and it has been a hard year. “The one day in the year they want to celebrate together is Christmas Eve,” she went on to say. “It’s a tradition that every year my MIL cooks and invites me and my husband, SIL and BIL over. It’s the only day in the year that we see these people. We have no relationship with them. Usually we go but this year, with the baby , I’m not really into the mood of going and putting a straight face. I know how it sounds but being around babies is difficult for me at the moment. We’re also not that close to them, and I just don’t very much see the need to spend Christmas Eve together this year.”
The mother-in-law spoke up.
The woman’s mother-in-law was not pleased. The woman explained she “told me that I’m ruining the baby’s first Christmas and she practically told me she won’t talk to me ever again and that our relationship is ruined . I tried explaining to her that over the past year we’ve also had multiple miscarriages , one of which made me lose a lot of blood and we had to go to the hospital for and I just would like some peace and quiet for the holidays but she insist that I’m not mentally OK and that I need to ‘suck it up’ so that we can do Christmas Eve like we always do. For the sake of the baby because ‘how would your baby feel if your SIL does this.’"
She concluded by asking if she was wrong for not wanting to go to Christmas at her in-laws this year.
The verdict is in.
Well the woman asked for Reddit’s honest opinion and the forum did not sugar coat it. They believe she is very much in the wrong here and needs to check herself. Many pointed out that the language she used to describe her brother and sister-in-law was cruel and entitled.
“The thing that bothers me most about this post is your characterization of your SIL and BIL,” wrote one user "'Out of nowhere', 'quite younger', 'don't really have stable jobs', 'we weren't expecting this'. It reads as if you feel they don't have a right to the thing you're trying to have because they do life differently than you do. People don't earn the right to procreate based on your standards.”
Infertility is not an excuse.
Many on the site pointed out that her infertility struggles were hard but that does not give her an excuse to behave poorly.
“If you're 33 I'm sure some of your friends have babies or are about to have one,” noted one user. "That's part of life. You need to learn to be around babies."
“I know it sucks and I know it's hard but being around pregnant people and babies is going to happen,” chimed in another. "You need to figure out how to work through it and not burn bridges with your family (in laws or otherwise)."
Therapy is great.
The woman edited her post to let people know she is in therapy. Perhaps this is a good situation to bring up in a session. Let’s hope she can see the error of her ways and work through her feelings.
As one user bluntly put it: “Feelings of loss and jealousy are okay and not unexpected in your situation, but the world also doesn't revolve around you.”
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