More than 10 million people are affected by domestic violence every year in the U.S. LittleThings has partnered with Safe Horizon during October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, to tell the stories of real people impacted by partner abuse.
Here, a survivor shares her story about what it's like to co-parent with her abusive ex.
“I was a social worker and a mom and almost a divorcee. I volunteered a lot of my time to help others, and I was passionate about domestic violence and social issues. And then it happened to me, even though I was someone who was talking about these issues every single day.
I had separated from my husband in 2012, but we were staying in the same apartment. He didn’t move out until 2013. The abuse happened right after that.
[The day it happened] he had wanted to have a conversation and I had said, ‘We’ll do it another time. I don’t want to talk to you.’
That night I was leaving the gym with my cousin [and he was there]. He was trying to talk to me, and he was coming towards me. I felt intimidated and I could tell it was escalating and I called the police.
I was holding up the phone, and bam, he hit me on the side of my face, and I just felt darkness. I remember picking myself up in shock. He hit me again and my face started to swell.
What was going through my head was ‘Oh my god, you are a social worker, you have to do all of these things.’
I went to the police precinct and was told that most victims who file don’t follow through. I said, ‘Of course I am going to follow through.’
I called Safe Horizon and I just remember hearing that comforting voice asking how they could help, and it was so comforting. Just hearing that voice that felt like a family member meant so much.
Going through the system is really tough. I got a court order of protection — he can’t come to my work, he can’t come to other places. In my instance, though, I was already going through family court for my divorce and I was still in that process. Working in the family court system for so many days for my job, I can say it is so easy for it to become overwhelming. He was granted visitation and because of that, he can be in touch with me as long as it has to do with our daughter.
[All through this] I was protecting my daughter, who is now seven, from what was going on. I didn’t know how to explain to her why daddy couldn’t sleep at our house.
I [at first explained] daddy can’t stay with us because he has to work in a different state. I also explained that sometimes even mommys and daddys make mistakes. It’s really hard to understand what that means [for a child].
I [later] explained to her why I was painting one of my nails purple. I said, 'When you see pink ribbons it is in support of cancer survivors, and when you see purple nails, it is in support of domestic violence survivors.' And I allowed her to see a video I am in [produced by Safe Horizon telling my story]. After she watched it, she said, I am going to paint one of my nails purple for you.
[My ex-husband] has been in and out of my daughter’s life for a lot of years. When she needs to get in touch with her dad, I let her use my phone. I took her to spend time with his family and she was so happy to be with her cousins. I sent him photos of that day, and he said, ‘Thank you so much for sharing those photos,’ and I had to say ‘We are not friends you are the father of my daughter. When we got married you were supposed to be my protector, you were supposed to my provider, but you pissed on me, not literally, but look at what you did to me.’
I’ve had to find a way to let all of this anger and animosity go. How do I cope? I cope by giving people information [about domestic violence], by opening myself up, by sharing my story. People ask me how I can be so bubbly, so joyful, and it’s because I want to help others, to be an advocate.
When something tragic happens to you, you become a victim, but I don’t want to be stuck in that particular stage. When you get stuck in the victim mode, it’s easy to cover up whatever is happening, but there is no shame in talking about it. I want other people to realize that they are not alone.
I continue to take a vow to support survivors. I wear my purple polish, and make sure to start conversations when people ask me about it. I want people to know that there are places where you can get help.”
Join Safe Horizon to #PutTheNailInIt and take the vow to end domestic violence. Support victims of domestic violence by painting your left ring fingernail purple, and use the hashtag #PutTheNailInIt to show your vow to end domestic violence. If you are a victim of domestic violence, and in need of help, visit SafeHorizon.org.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
