Losing a parent is a really hard thing for most people, and it's extra hard when it happens suddenly. A woman recently posted to Reddit about the unexpected death of her mother, who died only two months after receiving a cancer diagnosis.
The woman shared that her parents were married for 40 years, and the loss of her mother has hit her really, really hard. She believes it hit her dad hard, too, but has been surprised that he's already started dating again, only a handful of months after her mom died.
"My dad started seeing someone last month and while I honestly prefer that to him being on his own all of the time and I have no problem knowing he's spending a lot of time with that woman, I find it very difficult to be around my dad and her," she writes. "I met her for the first time last week and I realized that I need more time before being around them together. Maybe that's irrelevant, but that woman is the same age as me (late 30s), and it's a lot for me to process at the same time."
She said that after meeting his new girlfriend, she realized that she needs way more time before she can be around the two of them. And that seems fair, since her mom did just die. Different people grieve in different ways, and it's got to be weird for her to see her dad moving on so quickly.
Unfortunately, it seems that her dad isn't quite as understanding.
"A few days ago I decided to be honest with my dad and I told him that I needed time… I tried my best to make it clear that I am not against him seeing someone and that I do accept that, he can spend all of his time with her if that's what they want… I just need time to be around them as a 'couple'. He got it all wrong and he's now upset with me. I'm lost."
The woman took to Reddit to work through her feelings on the matter, and to get feedback from others. It turns out everyone is really, really empathetic, which helps a lot. She adds, "I'm still trying to realize what happened because everything went too fast, one day my mom was doing great, no symptoms or anything, the next she gets a scan result and we learn she's at the final stage. It's so surreal and hard to process."
Another commenter said that they find the father's behavior a little unusual, especially since the new girlfriend is his daughter's age. The daughter agrees that it's weird, but notes that she doesn't know what her dad's grief process is like.
"Yes, all of it feels weird at the moment but whatever his grieving process is, I will support it. I just thought he would get that I'm not ready to pretend to be a family again with a stranger."
One person pointed out that this kind of thing isn't exactly uncommon:
"It's honestly really normal for a man to start dating already immediately after losing his wife. Many, many widowers are married within a year. Since American men aren't really encouraged to be emotionally vulnerable with friends, basically a wife gets the brunt of their emotional needs, and after losing her they just don't know how to function."
This person definitely isn't wrong. The topic of men moving on quickly after losing a partner has been covered extensively. Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender studies professor, explained, "For men whose marriage ends only because of death there is often a desire to repeat the happiness they knew. These men love being married, and they are good husband material."
There are other explanations as well. Some men are used to having a wife or partner who runs everything domestically for them, so they flounder following her death. Instead of learning to take care of themselves, they move on to the next person. Some also argue that women are better at processing grief than men are, and that may be why men seem to bounce back quickly from loss.
Therapist Emily Gordon has also pointed out that there aren't a lot of resources available for men following loss or divorce.
"Women are encouraged to go on an emotional journey of self-care after a divorce, while men are expected to need help learning how to cook and parent on their own. When you Google 'how men handle divorce,' many of the links advise women on what to do if their husbands become violent during the divorce process. Why is there so little focus on how men can heal after a divorce?"
All of these theories could have something to do with it … or maybe the woman's mom told her dad to move on quickly. A commenter on the post said that happened when their dad died.
"You don't know, though. The mother might have told him to move on and be happy. My dad did that for my mother. Some people grieve quickly and then move one with their lives. It doesn't mean they are not still sad for the spouse they lost, but they compartmentalize. The fact that he lashed out might mean he is feeling some guilt and immediately projected it onto the daughter when she told him she needed time."
Unfortunately for the woman, it seems that she and her dad are just going to have to figure this one out when it makes sense to. She says that she tried reaching out again, but now everything might be even worse:
"We talked on Friday night and he suggested we spend Sunday (yesterday) the four of us (me + my partner + dad + his partner) and I felt no other choice than being honest with him and tell him how I'm feeling about all of it. That didn't go as I had thought."
She also shared that ultimately, she would have this reaction to anyone her dad might choose to date, and she's not feeling negatively toward his new girlfriend because of her age.
"Though I told him many times that it has nothing to do with her, I would have the same reaction if it was any other woman. It's really just a matter of time."
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
