Custody arrangements, regardless of the terms, can be tough. It's hard to keep constants in your kid's life, especially as they go from house to house. It gets even harder as they get older.
One dad found himself in such a situation and took to Reddit for advice. The original poster explained that he has primary custody of his 12-year-old son. His son recently had his first overnight visit with his mom since the pandemic, and came back determined to never go back.
OP discovered that his ex didn't have a bedroom for their son, despite recently moving into a bigger home. She had him sleeping on a cot in the living room with a sleeping bag and blanket, a situation that made the 12-year-old uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. OP thought he could solve the problem by chatting with his ex, but it wasn't that easy.
OP explained his and his ex-wife's situation.
"So my ex-wife and I have been divorced now 9 years. Since our divorce she and her partner have house bounced numerous times," he explained.
"Without my son (he's 12) there they have 4 people living in 2 bedroom apts. Last year they upgraded to a three bedroom."
OP's son recently visited his mom's new place for the first time.
"My son recently stayed overnight at her place (she didn't want him last year there due to COVID)," he explained.
"He got home and said straight up 'I don't want to go back.'"
OP was surprised by his son's strong stance and wanted to know why.
"I pressed and finally got an answer on why. Seems that they don't have a bed for him so he sleeps on a military cot, a sleeping bag and then blankets," he revealed.
"I was furious, but I wanted to give her the benefit. So I called her and asked about it."
OP's ex didn't see anything wrong with the arrangement.
"She admitted it. Said he'd have to sleep on it for the foreseeable future as the master is her and partners, bedroom one is for the kid she had with partner (younger than my son), bedroom two is for her mom (in the two bedrooms, mom would sleep on the couch)," he noted.
"In the two bedrooms before she had bunk beds for the kids. Now my son is forced to sleep on a cot."
OP decided to stand by his son's decision, and mom wasn't pleased.
"When I confronted her about that she said her daughter needs a room of her own," he explained.
"I told her straight up. Until she had an actual room and bed for him, he doesn't want to spend the night and I wouldn't make him. So she can see him for a day and then drop him off home."
OP asked if he was in the wrong, but folks needed more information to make a call.
OP answered some of the questions that were coming up most, primarily about his custody arrangement.
"My son lives with me, I have primary custody," he noted.
"Our custody paperwork she can have him up to three weekends a mo, then one to two months for the summer. Both of those have gone out the window cause of her choice to not see him as much."
Commenters also wanted to know if OP tried brainstorming other solutions with his son or his ex.
"I brought up the different sleeping arrangements during our call," he replied.
"She said it was 'stupid' to make his half sister or her mom sleep anywhere else just cause of him."
It was then that commenters began firmly agreeing with OP.
"She sounds like a pathetic excuse for a mother," one commenter wrote. "Any parent that loves their child would be begging for time with them, not eliminating time.
"She doesn't love him and simply had him around out of obligation. She doesn't care for his well being and your son is old enough to start seeing it for himself … Keep looking out for him. He really has only one parent and that is you."
One commenter shared his perspective after having experienced something similar growing up.
"Growing up, when I went to my moms I never had a bed," the commenter wrote. "Ever."
"I always resented that my siblings that lived with her full time had rooms and beds and that I got stuck on the couch or floor every other weekend. It really is unfair to a child and it makes them feel like they deserve less."
OP is thinking to throw out the custody arrangement, and many agree.
Many commenters supported the sentiment but advised OP to be careful to do everything by the book.
One commenter cautioned: "I don't blame your son for not wanting to be there. But do this legally. Go see your attorney and let your son speak to him."
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