Just about every couple has jokes that are shared between them that not everyone will understand. But sometimes one person can think something is just a harmless "joke" and the other person might really have their feelings hurt.
One woman recently wrote on Reddit that she and her husband disagree in a big way about something he's saying is just a joke. The situation is pretty sticky and involves a family tradition of infidelity.
She writes that men in her husband's family all cheat on their wives.
To kick things off, the woman says that she found out after her wedding that men in her husband's family all have mistresses:
"I found out after we were already married that it’s very common for the older generation of men in my husband’s family to keep mistresses as long as they’re discreet about it and don’t have any outside babies."
Some family members joke about the practice.
"We went on vacation with my husband’s family, including his sister, cousins, and their spouses," she continued. "My sister-in-law needed to get some new clothes because she was supposed to leave earlier than the rest of us but decided to stay. While we were shopping the shop assistant was flirting with my husband. His cousin 'James' made jokes about adding her to my husband’s collection of girls in every country and how he always said a leopard never changes his spots and he knew marriage couldn't stop my husband. My husband and his other male cousins thought it was the funniest thing ever. I didn’t find it so funny and neither did his sister, who told James to shut up."
The woman felt extra sensitive about it.
Understandably, the woman doesn't really think the jokes are very funny.
"In the evening we were supposed to go for dinner and my husband noticed I wasn’t getting ready, so he asked me to hurry up," she explained. "I told him I didn’t want to go. We had an argument where he was saying James was just joking, I told him I didn’t find it funny, and he could take his mistress to dinner instead."
Her husband tried to apologize, but the damage was done.
"He kept insisting he didn’t have a mistress and that James was just making a dumb joke and he was sorry for laughing but I refused to budge. In the end, none of the other girls went to dinner with them, we all ended up going somewhere together and wouldn’t let them come with us."
Her sister-in-law agreed with her.
She and her sister-in-law decided to have their own trip:
"For the rest of the vacation my sister-in-law insisted we would treat it like a girls’ trip and the boys could do whatever they wanted without us. My husband was pissed at me for overreacting to a joke and ruining the family vacation, especially since James apologised too but things didn’t go back to normal."
People understand where she's coming from.
The woman wanted to know if she was in the wrong, and people don't think she was.
"'Joking' about a mistress is a deeply disrespectful thing to do," one commenter noted. "It sounds like you weren’t the only woman fed up with this kind of banter. It is a shame the holiday wasn’t what any of you planned it to be, but you are NTA for being upset.
"I will say this: now that you are home, perhaps it is time to move past it. Make it abundantly clear that these kind of 'jokes' are not tolerated, but let go. If it happens again, then it might be time to worry about the people in your life and re-evaluate things, but until then, enjoy life. Good luck."
The woman should probably also have a serious talk with her husband.
One person also suggested that the woman lay out specifically what she isn't OK with in her marriage: "I recommend a very serious conversation with your husband in which you make it very clear that you are NOT okay with adultery. And be explicit about what you see as cheating. Get your husband’s opinions on the matter, too. You’ll want to be very clear on these issues before you move forward as a married couple."
For some, the problem is definitely that his family member made the joke.
"My husband jokes about cheating. And I laugh with him. But it's only funny because it would never happen and we both know it," a commenter said.
"But you can be sure that if his friends or family were making the jokes, it would be anything but funny."
Ultimately, the whole group of men probably need to be more thoughtful.
"Knowing that it’s common (and seemingly accepted???????) in your husband’s family for men to have mistresses, it’s not really much of a joke," added a commenter. "It seems like they’re trying to make light of a very toxic reality – heaven forbid that’s not fun for you. It’s extremely telling that the rest of the women on the trip felt the same way. Your husband needs a reality check."
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