This summer presents an interesting predicament for parents across the United States. No matter where you live, the health of the community is still a very real concern. Every family is handling that concern differently, however, and it's causing some serious distress.
Mom shaming seems to be at an all-time high in the age of this health crisis. More than ever, people are commenting on the decisions moms make for their families. Is your kid wearing a mask? You're living your life in fear. Is your kid in the pool with a dozen others? You must not care about their health and well-being.
It's an impossible predicament that makes the stresses of parenting that much greater. In 2016, a survey of parents conducted by Zero to Three and the Bezos Family Foundation looked into how the parents of young children felt about their parenting experience. They found that almost all parents felt judged. While 9 in 10 parents felt like they'd been judged, 46% of moms felt judged every day. Of those moms, 48% felt that they were most judged by strangers in their community.
This summer, it's more important than ever for moms to break free of the judgment cycle. You're the only one (besides your partner, ideally) who knows the ins and outs of your family. Whatever you're doing, it's for you to understand, not everyone else.
Around the country, we're seeing small signs that things are returning to normal after the first wave of the outbreak in the US. Things are reopening, which leaves parents to decide what will and won't work for their families. No two families' decisions on what to do this summer are going to look alike as everyone determines their comfort level.
Any mom making those decisions right now knows just how high the pressure surrounding them is. You never want to do anything that's going to put your family in harm's way. After months of staying home, some families may be ready to reenter the world, while others need some more time and information on their side before they feel comfortable doing so.
Those decisions seep into the parts of our lives we share online. That can look a lot of different ways, but the underlying concern is still the same. No one wants to be judged as a bad parent or any other kind of negative sentiment just for doing what feels right for their family.
From corners of the internet that specialize in discussing parenting to your own news feed, the dialogue surrounding what happens next has gotten super toxic. Like so many areas of life right now, there's definite polarization where this subject is concerned.
As horrifying as it is when you're on the receiving end, equally horrifying is how many parents are engaging in this no-win debate. It's human nature to look at things through a critical lens, so whether or not you realize it, chances are you've engaged in some judging yourself.
Jesse Curatolo is the moderator of the Facebook groups Bad Moms of Long Island and Bad Moms of America, which have a total of about 30,000 members. They emphasize judgment-free conversations, but they still had to ban health crisis talk early on.
"It was only a day or so before I had to shut it down," she told Good Morning America.
"It was everything from whether you should wear a mask to if it was OK to go to work. It just felt irresponsible."
It's especially easy to pass judgment in the area of summer plans because these things feel like treats and not necessities. You may not judge someone for the different ways they go about feeding their family, for example, whether it be getting groceries delivered or going to a store. You may feel more strongly when you see some people on your feed lamenting their extended time at home while others enjoy day out after day out.
At the root of all of our passionate and complicated discourse around this summer is fear. We're overwhelmed by the fear of making the wrong decision. We're fearful of looking fearful and illustrating a perceived weakness. Moms are particularly scared about doing this all on the semi-public stages in which so many of us lead our lives.
What's also difficult about this situation is that we quite frankly don't have a lot of information to go off of. We can do the best to stay informed in an up-to-the-minute way, but in a brand-new situation like this one, facts sometimes contradict themselves, and changes are plentiful. It's another knock to the confidence when you base decisions on an idea that later proves to be incorrect or outdated.
As a mom, you need to be confident in the decisions you're making for your family. It's OK to get the advice of a select few people in your circle, but taking in too many opinions can really shake that confidence. It can lead to second-guessing and self-doubt that will undoubtedly ruin your summer regardless of how you handle anything related to the virus.
Huong Diep, a board-certified child and family psychologist in private practice in San Diego, also talked to GMA about the phenomenon surrounding mom shaming right in this moment.
"One easy, and oftentimes subconscious, way to relieve anxiety and fear is by displacing it onto something, or in this case, someone else," she explained.
"Subconsciously, we combat this overwhelming fear by telling ourselves that we are in the 'right' and others are in the 'wrong' and therefore put blame, shame, and judgment onto others as a way of making our own actions and choices feel right."
"It is a coping strategy with detrimental outcomes for all parties. It may feel good in the short term to get on your high horse, but ultimately, it will also make you feel disconnected from others."
That's not to say that there aren't very legitimate reasons behind our differences of opinion from our family and friends. Everyone is dealing with their own set of circumstances.
Regardless of how the virus has impacted your life so far, we're all far from where we were a few months back. Even if your life is completely the same on the outside, our lingering thoughts and beliefs on what's happening in the world around us are changing us on the inside, and for some in drastically transformative ways.
You can stand confident in your decisions and be passionate about your choices while also being empathetic to others, which is what many lose sight of in these conversations.
As moms, we're pitted against each other for the infinite different ways we handle what is supposed to be a common experience. In that, we know there's nothing common about motherhood, from conception forward. Each of our experiences is beautifully different and shapes the way we handle every moment thereafter. There are all different ways to going about doing things "the right way," and we may not be familiar with all of them, depending on our life experiences.
We are all human beings trying to do the best we can during a global health crisis. This is no small feat and not something we should take for granted. We are all vulnerable in being the first to tackle what is at hand. The least we can do is show each other some compassion and understanding, even where we can't offer our agreement.
