It's always good to have a nice relationship with your mother-in-law. But what do you do when boundaries seem to be a bit hazy?
A man went on Reddit to ask whether or not he was in the wrong after refusing to get his mother-in-law an expensive necklace for Mother's Day. Instead, he arranged a hand-picked bouquet of flowers, but the gesture went unappreciated.
After reading his story, you might feel as if your in-laws aren't quite as bad. Because it seems like he got himself into quite a cringe-worthy situation.
"My mother in law is a kind and funny woman though she does have few problems with boundaries and is a little too involved in my marriage especially now that my wife's pregnant," he said. Then, he got right to the point. Financially, he's more well off than his wife's family.
*These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
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"My wife's family aren't well off financially and it's the opposite with my family," he admits. "My family own a factory, I'm an engineer. My wife has a job that doesn't pay well but she's happy with it. Every time I get my wife something nice especially jewelry, I'd get a call from my MIL complaining that she got nothing once she finds out even if it was my wife's birthday or our wedding anniversary."
That, itself, would be a huge red flag for most.
Even if the original poster (OP) thought his MIL was just joking, it's still a strange joke to make. Especially since it seems as if she really makes a big deal out of the OP treating her daughter kindly. "Holidays and other occasions aside, she'd throw a fit about how I was treating her as less than," he said. "She always comes over and when she notices a new piece of furniture or any new items she'd complain I didn't get her similar stuff."
Mother's Day was no different. "She sent a picture of a very expensive necklace that she wanted me to get for mother's day," he wrote. "I called her to ask about it and she said that she's been wanting it for a while, and only I could afford it. When I told her I may not be able to get it she replied that I already got my wife an expensive necklace on Sunday and I can afford this one."
He chose another gift instead, which is actually quite sentimental.
"I didn't get her necklace and instead I decided to get her some fresh flowers that I picked from my late mother's garden that I trimmed/organized myself, then put them in a nice vase," he said. "We visited Sunday evening and my MIL kept smilling 'til it was time for gift opening. I handed her the flowers and talked about how much time and effort I made to put everything together. She was shocked and said she thought I loved and cared enough to get her something nice, just like my wife who technically isn't even a mother yet and she's been a mother for 32 years."
Not only is that incredibly inappropriate, but it seems as if his wife didn't really back him up. "I got annoyed and said that I did not appreciate her harsh response to my gift, but she argued with me and kept talking about how much she wanted the necklace and that I could afford it just like I was able to afford the one I got for my wife — but instead, chose a thoughtless crappy gift to give her." Ouch.
After that remark, he wasn't afraid to stand up for himself.
"I said that I married her daughter and not her," he said. "Of course I was putting my wife first and It's crazy she thinks I'm obligated to treat her and my wife the same. My wife looked at me and was astonished. MIL replied that I was being mean and nasty to her on purpose and rubbing my financial stability in her face treating her as if she was greedy instead of showing her appreciation."
The situation got worse from there. "She went inside looking so upset she was almost crying, then my wife followed her," he said. "Suddenly, everyone was staring at me, it was awkward as hell. My wife snapped in the car telling me I was way out of line for making her mom cry on Mother's Day and said that she will not let my attitude cause a rift between her and her mom."
His wife said she sided with him, but felt like the call-out was unnecessary.
However, she didn't seem to back him up at all when everything went down. Nobody wants to see a mom cry on Mother's Day, but mom also shouldn't be trying to shake down expensive gifts from her son-in-law all the time. Plus, the flowers were a symbol from his own mother — so mocking the gift wasn't a wise idea.
Redditors did ask if there was a cultural difference between families, and he admitted there was. And that could have been part of it. But, at the same time, it's an awkward tradition. Nobody should feel entitled to gifts or entitled to call the shots when it comes to how a family member spends their money.
However, one Redditor was quick to point out that the OP wasn't completely innocent.
It may have been a touching gesture to write about, but Redditor Electronic-Bet847 saw it in a different light. "OP knew his MIL would be both extremely disappointed and would recognize his deliberate snub to her bizarre expectations," they noted. "The gift was given in response to the request, and he had to have known it would provoke a reaction. Perhaps he didn't know what form her reaction would take, but he could have anticipated it was likely to be ungracious." In a way, it was like he was putting fuel on the fire.
While it had some flecks of truth to it, other Redditors thought that the mother-in-law was still in the wrong for expecting expensive presents to begin with. "He was kinda caught between a rock and a hard place here," wrote RelevantLeg. "No matter what he gave she would be upset unless it was the neckless she specifically wanted, or an even better one. I'm not sure what you think he should have done here? There was literally no good way to handle it. And it shouldn't have been his responsibility to give a gift to his MIL. If his wife didn't get her a gift then that’s on her, it’s her mom, not OP's."
So what's the real lesson to be learned?
No matter what, nobody should ever feel guilted into buying something that they don't want to. But it seems as if his wife needs to take greater responsibility in regard to sorting it out. And maybe she needs some counseling as well, if this is how she thinks mothers should act. If she sides with her husband in regard to these awkward gift grabs from mom, then she needs to be the one to tell her mom she's in the wrong. Just because someone has a comfortable financial situation doesn't mean they owe the entire family.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
