Some couples thrive when it comes to open marriages. An open marriage is when the two of you agree to see other people — often for companionship, but also for a sexual relationship outside of the marriage.
But open marriages can come with complications. Oftentimes, couples may choose to set rules that end up being broken, leading to hurt feelings. Other times, the idea of an open marriage sounds better in theory than in person. And that's seemingly what happened to the friend of one Redditor, who found herself in an awkward situation.
This Redditor chose to be honest to their friend after their marriage became problematic due to an open marriage agreement that she had set up. And now she's wondering if she may have gone too far.
According to the Redditor, the friend — named Bella — was the one who proposed the idea of an open marriage.
"At the beginning of quarantine my friend Bella (f/30) proposed open marriage to her husband Mike (m/28)," she wrote. "The timing was off, obviously, but she had thought about it a lot and she said it was the only way for her relationship with Mike to survive because she loved him dearly but felt unfulfilled. Mike [hesitantly] agreed because he didn't want to lose her. When I asked him about it, he seemed very much not thrilled about the whole thing."
Many people just can't picture themselves with another partner, even if it's allowed.
The Redditor, who penned the question under the username of MindlessNote3735, said that Bella and Mike had a long history together. "Backstory here is that Bella and Mike have known each other since middle school but only started dating in college at which point Bella had a lot more experience in relationships," they wrote. "Mike has told me he's always felt like he was one step behind her in most things but that their marriage really worked and he was very happy with her."
Shockingly, being in quarantine ended up making their relationship more solid.
It's possible that Bella brought the idea up since she thought the two would get tired of each other in such close quarters. But her Redditor friend said that actually wasn't the case. "The two of them became even close[r] than they had ever been before and I think Mike didn't expect Bella to actually go through with the open relationship idea she had proposed," they noted. "But around three months ago, she brought it back up and then settled on some rules together."
It seems as if Mike chose to go forth with this agreement. Suddenly, Bella felt challenged by what was happening. "Bella calls me crying saying Mike cheated on her," said Bella's friend. "I'm all question marks at that point because Mike would never. She tells me she tried calling Mike all day but he said he had a 'date' and hasn't come home yet."
That's when Bella got called out.
"I asked her 'but wasn't that sort of okay between you two?'. She sobbingly tells me that yes, that was sort of the deal but that she hadn't been able to go on a single date with a guy yet because she was so busy with work being back on now and that Mike just went ahead with his date as if she meant nothing, that he hadn't disclosed any details to her (which as far as I know was part of their deal, that they didn't want to know any details) and that she felt like he was ridiculing her," she wrote. In a way, it was more like the emotional impact of the decision for an open marriage suddenly came down on her.
"I didn't really know what to say and just told her 'well, honey, I think you just reaped what you sowed, honestly.' She's furious with me and screamed at me for being an awful friend to her, that I should understand how she feels," wrote the friend. "I kept quiet but honestly, I think she's just upset that her husband is doing what she proposed in the first place?"
A Redditor in a successful open relationship weighed in.
Open relationships can work, but it takes a specific kind of person. Redditor FightMeCthullu detailed what their experience is like. "My partner and I are open and it only works because we are so satisfied with each other that the open part is an option," they wrote. "An open relationship rarely 'saves' a relationship. It adds waaaaaay more complexities and going into it as a last resort usually means someone gets hurt."
"This girl asked for trouble and it came knocking and she has the audacity to be surprised," they noted. They're not the only person who thinks that Bella deserved a bit of a reality check on the situation. "I think that way too many open relationships are just a ploy of a narcissistic SO to cheat openly while expecting their SOs to play celibate," said Redditor Shiny_Agumon.
The original poster mentioned that no matter what, it's a bad feeling to be involved with this.
"I kinda feel bad for her nevertheless," the original poster (OP) wrote in the comments. "I've been friends with Mike longer and he's a very private person so I'm not surprised he's not told me anything about this but Bella is still a dear friend and it feels like I'm being dragged into the middle of a situation I don't really want to be a part of." The OP also stated that Mike had a great time on the date but came home to a very angry Bella.
That fact right there is telling. Throwing around the word "cheating" and being so angry about the rules even after she created them is proof that Bella only wanted the chance for her to see other people. She never envisioned that Mike would ever take her up on her offer. And when he did, she just couldn't handle it. That seems incredibly controlling, and a little suspicious.
Bella has put Mike in a difficult situation.
He felt able to let loose since Bella set up all the rules but then came back to an upset wife. LikeAPlane summed it up exactly: "If anyone in my circle was thinking about proposing an open relationship, I'd tell them to first consider the exact scenario that has happened to Bella: Their significant other being the first to have success with it, or finding more success than them. If their reaction is anything like Bella's then they don't want an open relationship. They want to cheat."
This story is one to keep in mind if you're thinking about opening up your relationship or marriage. It can be done successfully, but only when both parties are all in. Otherwise, it can cause a lot of damage to the emotional foundation you've built.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
