Examples of kids being cruel are everywhere — just look at the online bullying epidemic — and it’s tough not to wonder if there is a major cultural shift afoot that is responsible. Author and child psychologist Dr. Michele Borba's latest book Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World makes the argument that what is going on is that kids have become less empathetic than ever before in history, and yes, parents are partially blame.
Defined as the “ability to understand and share the feeling of another,” empathy is a tough quality for parents to wrap their heads around, and many are left questioning whether nature or nurture is responsible for ultimately for instilling the skill in children. Parents teach their kids to walk and to talk, but are they just as responsible for teaching their children to be kind and caring, too? Or are kids born being thoughtful and kind from the get go?
According to Borba’s findings, teens are 40 percent less empathetic than they were 30 years ago. In that same period, narcissism has increased 58 percent.
“It’s a really troubling stat, it’s hard for my brain even, and a lot of parents are going to look at it think, 'Well, it’s not my kid,'” Dr. Michele Borba told LittleThings. “But I combed 72 studies, tracking thousands of college freshman.”
So what’s happening? Part of it is what Borba describes as Selfie Syndrome, which has taken hold alongside the rise of technology and a society obsessed with self-promotion.
“We are all plugged in, and the internet is certainly here to stay, but one-third of infants are now on iPads — that’s how they are reading Good Night Moon,” Borba says. “They [kids] aren’t having that face-to-face time with Mommy and Daddy, and there’s an impact to that. Infants learn so much from face-to-face interaction that they can’t learn from a screen.”
There are other factors, too. “The definition of success has gotten more narrow, and very tied to a [kid’s] GPA and test scores,” Borba describes. “There has also been a shift in the way parents discipline. There’s been a move away from time-out, and that idea of sitting and thinking about how you’ve impacted others.” And lastly, “The role models our kids have has changed a lot. Kids a few decades ago were saying ‘I want to be a lawyer, a nurse, the president’ — those people are all helpers. Now, thanks to the Kardashians and others, the number one thing kids are saying is, 'I want to be rich and famous.'”
The big takeaway here according to Borba is that of course parents are doing their best to raise good-hearted kids, but priorities have shifted away from emphasizing empathy at home, and parents need to reprioritize it. Take into account that studies have shown that kids with a high level of empathy are more successful in life and it becomes easier to understand its value. “Kids that are empathetic are more likable and popular. They are able to have perspective and step into the shoes of their friends,” Borba says. “That’s really helpful when there are conflicts.”
And empathy is just as important later in life. “Harvard Business Review has written about how empathy is crucial to global thinkers. It allows people to step into their clients' shoes, for instance, which is so key to employers.”
Borba’s book, despite signaling out the troubling phenomenon, is squarely focused on finding solutions to the problem. In Unselfie, Borba explains nine basic habits that help children “navigate the emotional minefields and ethical challenges” they will face in life. Here, a few of Borba’s pointers for parents to get started.
1. Start actually interacting with your kids.
“Start actually reading and talking to your kids,” Borba says is a tip that parents need to keep top of mind. That means actually reading Charlotte’s Web and Stone Fox alongside your kids instead of just pressing play on the TV.
2. Surround yourself with parents with similar goals.
“If this is important to you as a parent, don’t be quiet about it,” Borba suggests. “Organize change-making groups where parents can get together and discuss what is happening with their kids and their communities, organize community service [outings] together, and start book clubs to help parents and kids interact.”
3. Prioritize caring at home.
“Start valuing intentional caring at home,” Borba emphasizes. “Ask more questions about what your kids did that day and how their friends are doing, instead of just what happened at the science fair” is one key change to make. Borba also emphasizes that “kids mimic the images that they see, like if Mom gave a coat to the man down the street who didn’t have one,” so don’t lose sight of being a role model.
4. Become a charitable family.
“It’s more than just volunteering on Thanksgiving,” Borba says of becoming a charitable family. “Pick one cause as a family that your children really care about” is another one of Borba’s suggestions. “It can also be as simple as leaving a box at the door for gently used toys, or a coat that’s gotten to be too small, but make it a part of your everyday life.”
5. Parents, lead by example, and learn to unplug.
“There is a time to text, and a time to talk,” Borba says. “There has to be some sacred unplugged time when you put cell phones in a basket, and engage in a real conversation. This matters.”
