The idea of wearing a bikini to the beach is definitely not something I thought would ever cross my mind.
Like a lot of women, I've struggled with my weight pretty much my entire life. I honestly can't remember a time when I wasn't actively thinking about how my body looks compared to my friends or slimmer ladies on TV.
Now that I'm at the heaviest weight I've ever been, I'm tired of allowing my confidence to be tied so tightly to the number on a scale. In fact, I don't actually own a scale — my doctor checks that for me on my regular visits, but I always make sure to look away.
Celebrities like Hilary Duff have recently been posting inspiring images of themselves letting it all hang out. As nice as that is, I have never felt fully represented by any of the famous women on my screen. Even so-called "plus-size" models and actresses end up making me feel worse.
So, I decided to take the reins and finally allow myself to enjoy a day at the beach in a two-piece swimsuit.
Take a look to see how I felt baring my midriff for all the world to see (or at least all the people at the beach that day).
My Personal Weight Struggles
The last time I wore a skimpier swimsuit was around the same time this photo was taken. I'm 15 years old here and beyond thrilled to be meeting Davy Jones (RIP) the morning after seeing the Monkees perform.
We were staying at a hotel with a pool, but I didn't pack a bathing suit. My mom encouraged me to try one on at the mall, and I was more than a little hesitant.
I had just gotten over a mild eating disorder, which is why my waist was particularly small in the photo. Still, I remember saying to my mom from behind the dressing room door that the paisley bikini I picked out "might not look great since I've been eating again."
How messed up is that? My mom obviously reassured me that I looked beautiful, and we bought the suit.
Living With A Toxic Mentality
Here I am at 24 years old with my best friend, Rani. We're dressed up for a Harry Potter movie marathon at our local theater. As this photo was being snapped by her now-husband, I couldn't help but feel like I looked enormous next to her.
That was a constant mental pattern in my life for so long: pose for a photo, see it go up on social media, and hate myself. I would usually shy away from any camera. There are countless moments I wish I had captured in a photograph that I'll never be able to see again.
Looking back on it now, this is one of my favorite photos of us. But I can still feel the lingering self-hatred that consumed me.
Busting Out Of My Comfort Zone
I almost backed out of pitching this to my editors. Just the idea of wearing any bathing suit, let alone one that would show off my midsection, absolutely terrified me.
It was especially daunting after I read comments on a recent story about me eating meat for the first time since becoming a vegetarian.
Even when the post was shared by an account that claims to be "feminist," so many random strangers focused on my looks — saying I'd been "cheating" and "eating burgers twice a day" for years. Several others were much crueler, but I won't repeat their words.
I almost backed out again while looking at the options available in the stores. I cut it pretty close to the end of summer, so there wasn't much left out on the racks.
I was willing to go even skimpier with the swimsuit — technically, according to the designer of the original bikini, a suit doesn't count as a bikini "unless it could be pulled through a wedding ring."
But I stumbled upon this modest option in just the right size, so it seemed like fate. Plus, it was on sale!
My friend Becca met me at Brighton Beach and acted as my photographer for the day.
She was also very supportive and helped boost my confidence as she snapped away. It helped that there were plenty of other men and women my size (or bigger… or hairier) flaunting their skin in tinier suits, seemingly without a care in the world.
It was honestly more comfortable than any one-piece swimsuit I've ever owned.
I wasn't thrilled about the cut-out sections on the bottom showing off the flab of my belly, but realized it wasn't really all that noticeable to anyone but myself.
For the first time in years, I was able to enjoy actually going into the water deeper than just my ankles!
For comparison, this is me on another recent trip to the beach.
To be fair, it was a much colder day after we got some rain, but it's not that far from what I used to think of as my most comfortable beach attire.
Final Thoughts On Wearing A Two-Piece Swimsuit
I'm actually super-bummed that I let my fears keep me from diving in earlier in the summer. I definitely plan to squeeze in a few more beach days to get more use out of this suit before fall weather arrives.
I won't say the experience has cured all of my negative thoughts about my body, but it has made me less afraid to try things that used to scare me.
Do you or someone you know struggle with the same confidence issues?
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