If you were awake at midnight on December 31, 2020, you joined millions of people around the world as we heaved a collective sigh of relief. Finally: 2020 had come to an end.
When we woke up the next day, a lot of us probably had a startling realization: Sure, 2020 is over … but all of our problems from the year have carried over into 2021. As we continue to grapple with the devastating impact of the global health crisis and ongoing confusion at the highest levels of governments around the world, a lot of us are turning inward.
When I woke up on January 1, 2021, I knew that not much had significantly changed overnight. While 2020 was globally a challenging year, I had many bright pockets of levity, happiness, and downright joy throughout the year, particularly toward the end. I had spent most of 2018, 2019, and early 2020 stagnate in my personal and professional life, just trying to not rock the boat. In March 2020, I decided to shake it all up, and that's the energy I hope to carry throughout 2021.
What I'm Leaving Behind in 2020
There are a few things that I'm for sure leaving behind in 2020:
- Self-doubt and impostor syndrome
- Being "too busy" for anyone I love
- The Pavlovian effect of my phone
- Any relationships that aren't supportive and fulfilling
- Saying "no" to my kid before I consider his question
Leaving behind each of these habits and propensities will be a challenge, but it's one I'm more than ready to face. Here's how I'm doing it.
Self-Doubt and Impostor Syndrome
Despite having worked for myself for over 10 years, and having been able to support myself and my family while doing so, I often wrestle with a mean case of impostor syndrome when it comes to doing things that I really want to do. I have amazing ideas, and I get almost all the way to the point of actually firing them off, but something will hold me back.
Well, that's gone this year. I'm continuing the work that I do now because I love it, and I'm adding on new projects that will help me grow as a person and a professional. I'm putting myself out there and launching at least two new projects by the end of January, and don't be surprised if there's a third before too long. If there's one thing I learned in 2020, it's that nothing is promised, and we need to take advantage of the time we have while we have it.
Being 'Too Busy' for Anyone I Love
If you're a parent and you've been working from home the last few months, you've probably heard yourself tell your kids that you're "too busy" to listen to their 18,567th story about Minecraft or to help them with a puzzle. And sometimes, we really are too busy. It's OK to tell our kids that — I think helping your children understand that your life contains many commitments is a healthy thing to do.
However … I know that I have definitely played the "busy" card when, really, it's easy enough to take 10 minutes from my computer (and it's good for me!) and listen to whatever is going on in my kid's video game or with his friend. We're only a few days in, but so far I've stopped myself from being "too busy" quite a few times, and it makes me feel good. Those fleeting moments of "Hey, I'm doing OK right now" are incredible.
The Pavlovian Effect of My Phone
Most of us who have smartphones have wrestled with the reality of having smartphones for as long as they've existed. As amazing as it is to carry your own tiny computer around everywhere you go, it's also draining. Our phones have a way of making us feel like every chime, buzz, or beep is super important and must be attended to right away, and guys? That simply isn't true.
I've taken a few steps to help myself resist the urge to immediately investigate what's happening on my phone. I'm not setting time limits for social media, and I'm not instituting "tech-free days" or anything like that — that stuff doesn't work for me! But I did remove Slack from my phone, because the only time someone needs me on there is if I'm working, and if I'm working I'm at my laptop, and Slack works just fine on there.
In fact, I've removed a ton of apps from my phone. I still have Instagram because it's phone-based and I love it, but the only other fun thing that's on there is Among Us, which I play with my kid when he's at his dad's.
I'm also learning which texts and emails need immediate replies, and which ones don't. It doesn't mean anything personal if I don't reply right away; it just means I'm practicing living an off-phone life. Wild.
Any Relationships That Aren't Supportive or Fulfilling
I left a lot of relationships last year. I ended my marriage, I stopped speaking to three family members, and I haven't heard from a formerly close friend in months. I'm perfectly happy with each of these situations. It sounds dramatic, but it really hasn't been; these changes needed to happen for different reasons, and my life has only improved as a result of each.
It can feel really, really scary to leave behind toxic relationships. It can also feel really, really scary to end a marriage just because it feels like it's time to. One of my favorite essays on the subject is "The Truth Is We Outgrow Those Who Don’t Know How To Love Us" by Rania Naim. She writes:
"The truth is we reach a point where we know who we are, what we want and what we deserve and we're not willing to go back to selling ourselves short again. We're not willing to repeat the same vicious cycle of handing out our hearts to those who don't know how to catch them. The truth is we reach a point where our self-love trumps any other love. We choose ourselves even when people don't choose us."
Saying 'No' to My Kid Before I Consider His Question
The last thing I'm leaving behind in 2020 is saying "no" to my kid just because a request seems silly, ridiculous, or unreasonable the first time he presents it. My child is about to be 12, and he's learning to make arguments for what he wants to do, eat, see, or experience that aren't totally outlandish. I'm learning that it's time to start really treating him like the near-teenager he is, and to approach his requests and ideas with the same respect and appreciation I would give to any adult.
That doesn't mean I say yes to everything; it just means that I communicate how much I value that he's making a suggestion or request at all. We usually find ourselves going back and forth until we reach a spot that feels good to both of us, but some days I just flat-out say yes to whatever it is just to see the surprise and glee spread across his face.
2020 took a lot from us, and 2021 could take even more. If ever there's a time to live life on your terms, this is it.
