Deciding to have a baby is often a joyful moment for a lot of individuals, couples, and families. There are a lot of ways to bring children into our lives these days, and for various reasons, some people end up opting to use the assistance of a surrogate to help complete their dreams of having a family that includes children.
Surrogacy is a beautiful offering that an individual decides to make on their own terms. There's nothing about being a surrogate that is easy: not the IVF drugs you have to take to regulate your cycle, not the buildup to the embryo transfer, not the waiting game that follows while you hope to be able to bring a baby into the world for the family who chose you. Surrogacy is a tough road to take, and the people who feel called to walk that path are often putting the wants and needs of others ahead of their own.
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Unfortunately, all the medication and hope in the world doesn't always mean that a surrogate gets pregnant, and if they do, that the pregnancy will result in a full-term baby 40 weeks later. In light of recent events in the United States, one surrogate has decided to open up about what her experience conceiving, birthing, and miscarrying babies for other families has been like.
The woman, who will go by K. in this piece, opened up about her experience in a private post on social media. She's given LittleThings permission to run her story here. If reading about miscarriage is triggering for you, then you might want to leave the story now.
After sharing three photos of herself smiling at six, seven, and eight weeks pregnant, K. notes, "Before you read this, look at the pictures of my face and how happy I was to be pregnant. Look at all the IVF medication I gladly took every day to sustain a pregnancy. Then look at my face as I lay in a hospital bed on one of the worst days of my life. This is the face of somebody who will be directly affected by the Supreme Court ruling."
She continues, "I intentionally don’t post anything of substance on social media. I want my account to be lighthearted and fun. I’m about to share something deeply personal and parts of it are graphic. Don’t read if pregnancy loss is upsetting to you… it was (and still is) extremely upsetting for me. Spoiler alert, I did not terminate a pregnancy in case you think that's where this is going."
"However, the Supreme Court ruling (on June 24, 2022) still changes everything. People are posting hypothetical situations and speculating about what this could mean for reproductive rights. I’m only going to speak about my experience, but this is so much more than ‘killing babies’."
"To start at the beginning, I have been a surrogate/gestational carrier twice. I carried babies for two different families who were told they were unable to get pregnant for whatever reason. Even though the babies weren’t mine, I was so invested in every part of the process and proud to be chosen by these families."
"When the second family asked me to carry another baby for them, I was ecstatic! The process is arduous but SO worth it. We started getting ready for the sibling journey in April 2021 because we knew it would take forever. Our first embryo transfer was in November 2021, about 14 months after I had given birth to their first baby. That embryo transfer failed, meaning my hcg levels were zero and I never became pregnant. We were all disappointed but still hopeful for the next time."
"We had our second embryo transfer in December of 2021. It worked! I was pregnant! We heard the baby's heartbeat at the 6 week ultrasound in January of 2022. Everybody was so excited! And then I went in for the next ultrasound and got the worst news of my life. There wasn't a heartbeat anymore. I had them check twice. I should have been 8w2d, but the embryo had stopped growing at 8 weeks. I was scheduled for a D&C surgery. I'm not scared of much but I was terrified to be put under anesthesia."
"I had to wait a few days until I could get on the surgery schedule. I felt like a ticking time bomb and just hoped I could make it to the appointment. I finally got to my OB's office where they checked for a heartbeat one more time. Silence. While we were preparing for the procedure, my doctor got an urgent page that due to COVID numbers and the lack of available staff, he was now on call and only emergent surgeries would be performed. I was not considered emergent at that time and we would have to reschedule."
"I straight up told my doctor no. I said I honestly couldn't handle waiting any longer and it was an emergency to me. I will be forever grateful that he helped and advocated for me that day. The further you are in a pregnancy, the more dangerous a loss can be. Risk of complications goes up. He took out his personal cell phone and called around until one of his friends/coworkers could fit me in. I had the procedure. I didn't want it. Nobody wanted that! That little embryo/baby was very much wanted and loved."
"The parents and I had agreed to try three times so we took some time off to physically and mentally heal and then got ready for our third embryo transfer in April 2022. It worked! My hcg levels were looking great and we scheduled the 6 week ultrasound for sometime in May."
"I had a small amount of bleeding a few days before that first ultrasound. Bleeding is actually super common in IVF pregnancies. It was over the weekend so our fertility clinic just said drink water, put your feet up, and try to relax because there's nothing you can do. I did. Two days later, I woke up in the middle of the night because I was bleeding again. It quickly stopped so I went back to bed. I then woke up at 3 in the morning and was hemorrhaging blood. I tried to make it to the bathroom and there's just blood everywhere. At one point I wondered if I was bleeding out but was probably in shock because I was eerily calm. [My husband] woke up to see me covered in blood while attempting to clean up the floor. He tried to help me and get me to the ER but the bleeding stopped and I was able to follow up with my fertility clinic in the morning."
"So, now I have had three miscarriages through no fault of my own. I always took my medication on time and as prescribed. I always wore my mask even when the covid numbers went way down. I never took any risks and I STILL went through three pregnancy losses. One required surgery and two were spontaneous or 'natural' but there was nothing natural about them."
"I had all the support in the world. My parents helped watch the kids and made me dinner. My friends got me food delivery. The baby's parents sent us food. One of my jobs sent flowers. The baby's parents, my doctor, the embryologist, my fertility clinic, and our support person through the surrogacy agency all told me how this wasn't my fault and they know I did everything I could. I am still devastated and heartbroken. I can't even imagine having to go through this alone. And that brings me back to current events."
"It is terrifying to think that I might have to forego medical care or hide my situation and not seek treatment because I am scared of the outcome. It kills me to think that I could ever be questioned, let alone investigated or even criminalized, for these losses. My most recent loss was just last month. The current legislation is not ONLY the two sides of 'saving the unborn' by banning abortion in so many states or even 'my body, my choice' when it comes to reproductive rights. It is so, so much more.
"I told you I would not speak about hypotheticals and only speak about my own situation. This is about health care and basic human rights and I deserve both."
