Right now, it seems like more families than usual are living in multigenerational homes. There are a bunch of reasons why this is happening, but an uncertain economic future and a global health crisis definitely don't help. Recently, one woman wrote to Reddit about a problem she's having with her daughter-in-law, who lives in her house right now with the woman's son:
“I’ve been very happily married for twenty-four years. We have a twenty-two-year-old son- Jackson, who recently had to move in with us with his wife- Amanda, now I don’t like Amanda but I told him it’s his life and I’m not going to keep commenting as long as he knows I do not like her.”
She continued:
“In general, I think she is rude and overly political, but she’s been a decent houseguest, and I like having Jackson around. I’ve always gotten the impression that Amanda has an issue with my lifestyle. I’ve been a housewife/ stay at home mom since I got married. I really don’t care what other people do, but working never appealed to me and I married a man who is a good provider.”
"I love my husband and I'm happy to play the doting housewife role. He's a lawyer and works long hours, so when he comes home, I like to make him a drink, and every night I take his shoes off. This seems to really piss Amanda off and I don't know if it is the kneeling in front of him, or the physical act, but I have noticed her scoffing at it. I don't care. She can scoff. I have an easy privileged life because of him and it's something I like to do to help him relax."
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"Last night when I did it Amanda asked if I thought I was setting a good example for my 16-year-old daughter. I said yes, I hope my daughter grows up to be a good partner. Amanda asked why it's never the other way around, and I asked if she was trying to make some sort of statement. Amanda said it's made her uncomfortable for a while and she couldn't bite her tongue anymore."
"I told her it's alright if she's uncomfortable, but ultimately, I get to be comfortable in my own house. My husband said he'd be uncomfortable too, living rent-free in someone else's house. Now Jackson is angry with both of us, but I'm not sure if it's valid. He's never had a good relationship with his dad, but I think we could have said a lot worse and that he needs to talk to his wife about basic manners."
Wow! There's definitely a lot going on here. It's understandable that both the woman and her daughter-in-law are upset, and it sounds like they have pretty different ideas about what it means to be a partner. And the woman does have a point: She and her husband are letting their son and his wife live in their home without paying rent right now, which is generous. It also doesn't seem like they are going out of their way to make Jackson and Amanda uncomfortable … it just kind of sounds like they have a different worldview.
With over two thousand comments, the Reddit thread got mighty interesting quickly. The first commenter pointed out that being a good partner is for both people in a relationship, not just one of them.
"If you truly believe that having equal rights means that kneeling in front of your husband is a choice that you are free and happy to make, I sincerely hope that you are instilling in your teenaged daughter that she is just as deserving of a partner who sits in front of her. That working for a living and contributing equally to the expenses and chores is a respectable pursuit for both men and women alike, without judgment.
"Otherwise, what you're saying would be hypocritical."
However, a second person was quick to respond to this.
"Service is a love language, and a beautiful one at that. It's not everyone's love language and that's ok. But no one has the right to tell someone that what has worked for a decades-long relationship is wrong, especially when they are literally free-loading off the people they're criticizing."
However, even though it's not super relevant to the original query, people are split on whether or not the woman's husband really needs his feet rubbed each night.
"A number of people here are giving examples of people working hard on their feet and appreciating acts of service. Need I remind everyone that the person here is a lawyer who likely doesn't spend a lot of time on their feet? My dad is a doctor and my mom is a home-maker and trust me, if my mum ever kneeled to try to take off his shoes, he'd be the first one to balk at the idea because he doesn't want to set a bad example for his daughters. There are many many sexist traditions in my culture which my mom would've happily done but my dad wouldn't let her because he didn't feel comfortable."
Another set of commenters wondered what exactly the woman means by "overly political."
“Politics are complicated and everyone has very strong and opinionated views on something political, and sometimes it can be good to talk about them and see what other people think other times it can just be inappropriate or more trouble than it’s worth.
“From the ‘overly political’ comment OP [the original poster] could be someone who can’t back up what she believes and hates talking about politics for that reason or it could be that the DIL constantly wants to talk about politics to show off just how smart she is and how dumb everyone else around her is by comparison and it’s tiring.”
One person asked if the woman's kids see her husband doing things for her, and she replied that they definitely do.
"He's very physically affectionate and tells me that he loves me all the time. He'll bring home things for me, like candy, wine, and he rubs my back a lot (not allowed to touch my feet, but that's my thing) Also he's protective. He cut his sister off, because of how she talks about me, and he always expects the kids to respect me. Acts of service are hard for us because we have paid help. I do all the cooking, and he doesn't clean, but he's always had the attitude that I should relax and do things for myself and he'll pay someone. He's pretty open with our daughter that the world is changing and she shouldn't expect to find a relationship like ours."
Ultimately, most people seem to agree that both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law have work to do.
"I cannot imagine living rent-free under someone's roof and having the gall to criticize something as totally arbitrary as a relationship dynamic. Especially since this does not seem to stem from any sincere concern on her part for your welfare, but rather the incredibly obnoxious belief that being a housewife/good mother is anti-feminist.
"You are also the [expletive] for making her feel unwelcome as a guest in your home. You are kidding yourself if you think she hasn't picked up on the general animosity you feel towards her, and you have had ample opportunity to gently broach the subject with her and attempt to clear the air."
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