While many women have traditionally changed their last names after getting married, these days the trend isn't always the default expectation. In fact, in the US roughly 30% of women who get married eschew the tradition entirely.
Of course, that means that 70% of women are changing their last names, and that's OK! Whether or not someone changes their last name is a personal decision that at most involves two people — but often just the person who would be changing their name in the first place.
One woman recently shared on Reddit that she always planned to change her last name when she got married … but now she's not sure she wants to.
She writes that she and her fiancé have different cultural and ethnic backgrounds.
The woman begins by explaining the differences between herself and the man she plans to marry:
"My fiancé (26M) and I (F24) have been together for three years. I've always told him that I want to keep my last name because I like my name and I’m beginning my professional career. He and I live in the US in a southern, more conservative area. I won't use real names, but my name is a common English name (think Mary Williams or Olivia Smith), while his last name comes from his Arabic father (think Mohammed or Hussein or Al-Baghdadi)."
Her fiancé believes she should take his last name.
"Recently, we were discussing last names for me and our future kids," the woman continues. "He pointed out, as he has several times before, that it would be easier for family planning and traveling for us all to just have his last name. I agreed that it would be nice, but I still wouldn’t take his name. This time, he wouldn’t let it go, arguing that it just makes sense and I don’t have a valid reason not to take his name."
So she finally told him exactly why she doesn't want to.
"Tired of being hounded about this topic, I finally told him the truth – that I had always intended to take my future husband’s last name before we met, it’s just his name I don’t want to take," she says.
"I reminded him that his last name has caused his family nothing but trouble in this country, especially post 9/11. How he complains of being stopped at airports and that he and his siblings were teased for their name as kids, so much so that all his siblings, male and female, have since changed their last names. I pointed out that his name may be common in the Middle East, but it is also identical to a famous Middle Eastern politician/terrorist leader, and how people in the US subconsciously make that connection every time he introduces himself."
Her fiancé says she's being racist.
Things got dramatic quickly.
"He said that I was being racist and an [expletive] and that I was saying that his name isn’t good enough for me. He also pointed out that he is the last one in his family that can pass the name on, and that he was proud of his name in spite of all the hardship it has caused him."
But she says she would change her name if she were in his shoes, instead of the other way around.
"I argued that it was selfish of him to want to pass on the last name that would make life harder for me professionally and difficult for our future kids socially, just for the sake of preserving the patriarchal tradition of keeping the man’s name," she explains. "That in his shoes, I wouldn’t hesitate to change my last name to make life easier on my family. I even suggested a compromise where we both change our names to something different, maybe a name from the other side of his family so that we could all have the same last name and honor his family history. But he wasn’t interested."
Lots of people she knows are on her side.
"Everybody I have talked to about this in the past has encouraged me to take my husband’s last name until I tell them what the name is, which is when they usually side with my arguments. His family, on the other hand, are all advocating for me to take the name, even the siblings who changed it years ago."
People on Reddit are siding with her.
One commenter pointed out a simple truth: We should all be able to decide what we do or don't do with our names.
"A name is so deeply, deeply personal – I had thought as a society we had come to accept that no one should have to carry a name they don't want due to outside pressures," the commenter said. "No one should have to take a name that makes them uncomfortable just because their husband wants to carry on a tradition.
"She should be able to turn it down for any reason – it's too hard to spell or it sounds weird with my first name, or it would make your initials unfortunate (think of a girl I knew in collage who was K.K.K. after she married) or that was the name of my high school bully, or an unpleasant political figure, or even it will make it harder for me to get a job and fly on an airline, which really is a more substantial reason than it doesn't sound pretty, but all are valid."
Some think she's trying to protect him and their future kids.
"I think she’s aware of the racist environment in which she lives and she’s trying to protect her family accordingly," another person commented. "I’m sure she’d feel similarly if her husband’s surname was Hitler or something? I don’t know the situation or the judgement. I think it sucks that you live somewhere that’s not welcoming for your husband."
Another commenter pointed out an interesting cultural footnote:
"In the Middle East we women keep our own surname, and never take our husbands on marriage. And people judging you on here have not lived with the islamophobia we encounter."
The woman clarified that she is open to other names from her fiancé's family.
In the end, it sounds like the original poster is open to trying to make something work:
"I wouldn't mind taking a Middle Eastern name, but I object to the specific one that he has, as it has negative connotations around the world. Others have suggested maybe taking one of his Arabic middle names or an Arabic name from someone else in his family, so I will talk to him about that."
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
