Parenting is one of the wildest, most bewildering experiences that people go through in life. The idea of shaping another human being's existence can be exciting, terrifying, and everything in between. Coming into an existing dynamic and becoming another person in the mix might sound insane, but such is the life of a stepparent.
When you make the decision to date someone who has a child, you're understanding that you may eventually become a prominent figure in that child's life. Regardless of how much experience you have with children, that can be daunting. Rest assured, being a stepparent doesn't have to be the nightmare that pop culture has made it out to be for the adult or the child (thanks a lot, Disney).
Stepparenting can actually be very rewarding and fulfilling if you go into it with realistic expectations. You have to embrace your new role with the understanding that things can and will go wrong. But just as easily as your best-laid plans can get derailed, you can get yourself back on track. Here are some simple tips to wrap your head around that can help you navigate this new area of your life.
1. Your initial enthusiasm and optimism may dwindle.
Like any new relationship, there's a lot of excitement when becoming a stepparent. You consider the endless potential of what this new relationship in your life can mean for all involved. Don't panic when that feeling starts to fade. It's perfectly natural that being a stepparent will become normalized for you after a matter of months.
Reality does set in, and as you become more familiar with the situation you're in, you may find that there are certain limitations or boundaries that you hadn't anticipated. Just because every day isn't a feel-good Hallmark movie of a day doesn't mean that anything is wrong. Your relationships with the kids, as well as with your partner, will have its ebbs and flows.
2. You're always going to think you should be trying harder.
The decision to date someone with a child and become that child's stepparent is usually more of a conscious decision than becoming a parent might be. As a result, there's a heightened self-awareness about how the relationship is going. Sometimes you'll drive yourself crazy questioning your own effort.
In times where things are going almost too well, you may wonder if you're overstepping boundaries. In times where things are going badly, you'll blame yourself for not doing more to make the situation easier. As long as you're doing your best and keeping all other party's feelings and boundaries in mind, you're doing just fine.
3. Sometimes, you'll have to take a back seat.
It takes some selflessness to parent well. Be honest with yourself about your expectations of a partner. If you know you need more time and attention than most, it's best to make that determination before you get in too deep. The truth of the matter is that there will be plenty of times that you have to take a back seat to your stepchild.
Similarly, there are times when stepchildren have to put their biological parents before their stepparents. In an ideal blended family, that would be without drama or complication, but those things do rear their heads as well. You have to try to keep perspective to not let your feelings get hurt while keeping your partner's and stepchild's best interests in mind.
4. Whether they're present or not, you'll be contending with the other parent.
This is sometimes the hardest thing to wrap your head around. If you're going into a relationship where the child's other parent is present, you may think you've got things easier. However, the comparison between stepparent and biological parent will always be made, by the child and sometimes by others around them.
If the other parent isn't around, you may think things will be easy because that tension doesn't exist. While that's sometimes true, you'll often find yourself compared to the ghost of someone or what that parent could have been. In ways, you're unsatisfactorily fulfilling a fantasy you aren't privy to, and that has complications you'll have to work through over time.
5. You're going to get jealous, and you can't beat yourself up for it.
We've been taught that jealousy is an ugly emotion that should be avoided at all costs. With such close interpersonal relationships, however, it simply can't be helped. You're coming into an existing family dynamic, inherently the odd person out.
You won't find yourself jealous of only your partner and child but of other families as well. The more you get immersed in the ups and downs of your own family, the more everyone's simple Facebook-friendly versions of their families are going to make you both jealous and inexplicably angry. You aren't a monster. This happens.
6. Your opinion isn't always welcome.
Stepparenting gives you an interesting place to form your perspective. You're not quite an outsider, but you're definitely not in the inner circle of this thing. Sometimes, when you chime in with your opinion in a situation, it isn't always going to be welcome.
You won't necessarily have all the complexities and history in mind that your partner does when making parenting decisions. You also won't always tell a kid what they want to hear. It can be frustrating to feel like you can't help or be involved. Your job as an adult and as a stepparent is to figure out what you can stand to let go of and what matters enough to revisit when cooler minds prevail.
7. You'll notice growth in yourself.
This humbling experience that looks different for every family will teach you things about yourself regardless. You'll learn to appreciate the little things a lot more because of how much you have to overcome to get where you want to be.
The coming together of a blended family is full of people expressing vulnerabilities with others. They aren't always easy waters to navigate, but they are ones that will illuminate you to the complexities of childhood, relationships, and family that you may never experience otherwise.
