If you’re raising a teenager, it’s very likely that you’re well aware of how difficult it can be to have meaningful conversations with them on a regular basis.
Being a teenager is a super-transformative and difficult time for anyone. Not only are you dealing with coming into adulthood, but you also have all those fresh hormones and confusing emotions to deal with that stem from unrequited relationships, finding your way through new friendship dynamics, and ultimately discovering who you really are.
When you put all of those things together with trying to have a productive and deep conversation with a parent who’s usually either just trying to help or relate to their teen on some level, these kinds of interactions don’t always end up happening in a super-productive manner.
As a parent, if you’re looking to really connect with your teen on a deeper level and work on speaking to one another in a way that will allow them to feel truly heard and seen, there are some things you can start working on today.
Let’s dig into a number of ways to have deeper conversations with your teen that will help build healthy communication.
Allow them the space to freely express their feelings, even if you don’t like it.
Whether your teenager is experiencing a difficult time at school or with a friend or even if they’re looking to pick a fight with you, there’s certainly something to be said about letting them get out what it is they need to say in a respectful manner, because that’s likely all they’re looking for at that moment.
The GT Scholars Programme notes that giving teens the space to fully express their feelings opens things up to a more comfortable environment where they are not punished for expressing how they feel about a tough circumstance or misunderstanding.
It’s also important to listen to what it is they’re saying and to pause and really think before responding. Validating their feelings instead of just offering up your own advice or telling them how you would handle a situation isn’t what they’re looking for most of the time.
A lot of teens are simply looking for a safe environment where they can get their feelings out in the open, which allows them to work through how they really feel so they can then decide how to move forward.
Show and verbalize that you trust them and their judgment.
Think back to all of those times in your life when your feelings weren’t taken seriously or validated by the person you were sharing them with. It’s hard enough opening up to people, but when the person you’re sharing with simply dismisses your feelings, that can cause you to shut down and not open up again for a long time.
The Child Mind Institute explains that building trust with your teenager and showing that “you have faith in them” can work to give them a boost in confidence and ultimately allow them to better trust themselves when making important life decisions.
All of this can help open up communication, because if your teen feels like you trust them, even to make their own mistakes or fix their own problems, they’re likely to keep coming back to you when something happens in their life and they need someone to lean on.
Don’t be afraid to let down your defenses and apologize when you mess up.
Remember when you were a teenager and your parents perhaps said something in the heat of the moment that they likely regretted but didn’t want to appear weak in your eyes, so they never apologized? That kind of thing can really stay with you as you grow up, and it can also set an example for your kids that you may not even be aware of.
Adolescent psychologist Shelja Sen notes that if you’re vulnerable with your teen and apologize when something hurts their feelings or you speak without thinking, it shows your teenager that you’re capable and willing to admit remorse, and it also establishes that you think of their feelings and they matter to you.
Also, if the situation warrants it, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and share a similar experience or emotional turmoil that you went through yourself at a younger age. It can help them relate to you more and think about how you were once a teenager who went through a lot of the same hardships.
Open yourself up to talk and have conversations at times that are best for them.
If you think back to a lot of those deep conversations you had with friends when you were going through your teenage years, you might remember them happening in odd places and even during weird times. Maybe at the park in the middle of the night when you snuck out with your best friend or in the middle of a big party in the bathroom with someone from school you felt comfortable with.
Science of People suggests that if you want to build trust with your teenager and have deeper conversations that really matter, you should open yourself up and make yourself available to them during “inopportune times.”
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During those tough teenage years, sometimes heavy emotions and feelings can burble up in the middle of the night or even on the drive to school. It’s important for the development of open and honest communication that you embrace any opportunity your teen wants to open up to you so they can see that you are a safe person to come to who’s there for them anytime they need to talk.
Be aware of how you phrase things and that things are different for them as a teenager growing up in modern times.
Another important point to remember when working on building healthy communication with your teen is that things are a lot different for them than they were for you growing up. With things like social media, cyberbullying, and mental health disorders on the rise, it’s a whole different ballgame for teens nowadays, and it’s vital to acknowledge that.
Fuller Youth Institute notes that even though phrases such as “when I was your age” might easily roll off the tongue, those kinds of sentiments can appear judgmental or dismissive, because even though you were a teenager once, you actually didn’t go through their very unique teenage experience that they’re living.
The institute suggests that by coming from an empathetic place and acknowledging that teens' tech norms and daily behaviors are maybe something you don’t always understand but are something that they’re very used to, it allows for some of that judgment to fade away. And when it’s a judgment-free zone, it immediately allows for a more honest dialogue.
