Romantic relationships have so many benefits, but they require work. Having healthy communication practices is an important step to maintaining a relationship. It is very easy to fall into communication traps along the way, especially when things get emotional.
According to John Gottman, PhD, who cofounded the Gottman Institute, there are four signs of bad communication that can predict a couple’s chances of breaking up with over 90% accuracy. Thankfully, if you finds yourself in these situations, you can work to change them. There is hope.
The first communication style red flag is toxic criticism. Kim Polinder, host of the podcast Engineering Love, breaks down what this is. It is when one partner criticizes the other often, generally and unfairly.
An example of this is, “You never take out the garbage.” This is not constructive for many reasons.
“When you use the words ‘never’ and ‘always,’ you’re commenting on someone’s character versus focusing on the issue at hand,” she explains.
Another issue is defensiveness. This occurs when one partner chooses to make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions. It takes a big toll on relationships.
Kim’s advice is to “learn to take accountability for your part in your partner’s complaint” — even if your part is very small. “I like to refer to the 1% test. Is 1% of what your partner is complaining about true? If so, take accountability for that 1%. Couples get so busy defending themselves that empathy gets lost in the conversation,” she advises.
The next unhealthy communication tactic is stonewalling. This means a partner shuts down a conversation, ending it completely. It can also mean a partner physically turns away from the other person or engages in the silent treatment.
“When it comes to stonewalling, both partners need to understand the importance of de-escalating fights and learning to recognize when one partner is overwhelmed,” Kim advises. “And if you do take a break, it should never last more than a day, and frequent check-ins should be happening during the break.”
The most serious sign of communication issues is having contempt for one’s partner. “Out of all of [the warning signs], contempt is the most dangerous predictor, and it’s referred to as the relationship killer,” Kim says. “Left unaddressed, these behaviors will eventually evolve into percolating resentment over the years.”
Contempt often leads to eye rolling, mockery, and sarcasm. All of these are deadly to a relationship. Kim instead urges partners to “learn to speak your feelings rather than communicate in passive-aggressive ways.”
If you identify with any of the unhealthy behaviors on this list, Kim advises facing them head on. “If you notice any or all of these arguing styles in your relationship, the best way to approach it is to talk about them with your partner,” she says. “These behaviors are indicative of underlying sentiments and feelings that are going unexpressed.”
