It’s inevitable that our children will one day spread their wings and leave the nest. Whether it’s to get a job and move into their first apartment, or to head off to college. By now, your grown-up kid has probably already moved into their dorm, and you’re dealing with the fallout. The discomfort you’re feeling from missing them constantly, and not knowing what to do with yourself, is called empty nest syndrome.
Though not actually a medical disorder, the "syndrome" is common, but can still be debilitating. According to a study done by Unite Students, a whopping 98% of parents from a 1,000-couple study stated that they felt extreme levels of grief after their child left to go to college. Needless to say, it’s important to deal with the emotional transition of sending your kids to college.
So first things first, what is empty nest syndrome, and how do we deal with it?
Dealing with the three stages of separation.
Pinpointing the different stages of separation is key in moving forward. Grief, relief, and finally, joy, are the three main stages, and luckily only one of them is painful. Like the stages of grief associated with death, you need to mourn your loss. Let those tears out, think through why it’s so upsetting, and veg in your sadness for a little while. Soon, that sadness will begin to fade as you get used to living without them in the same house. Relief isn’t the easiest stage to reach, and you may feel guilty about it, but as soon as you can acknowledge that the separation is a good thing, the quicker you can recover from it.
Focus on the upsides: they’re getting an education, they’re expanding their social life, and you have the time and space to focus on things that you didn’t have time to do as a parent. Also, just know that your kid is going through the same stages — they’ll be homesick, yet they’ll feel relieved that they can make their own rules and settle into their independence. Soon, you’ll be moving on to the three C’s: communicate, connect, and choose.
Communicate: Keep in touch but give them space.
The worst thing you can do to deal with the separation is to fight against it. Constant phone calls, texts, and emails won’t help you get used to their absence, and will make them feel smothered. Set up regular times for communication, a phone call every other day, a video call at the end of the month; whatever works for your schedule. For some, that phone call may be every day, or it could be every two weeks — it depends on your relationship and most importantly, what your kid wants. As much as they love you, they’re most likely going to be happy that they’re on their own — sans friends and roommates — as independence is what all kids seek eventually.
Check in on them, but take a step back if they ask you to. You can also communicate by sending care packages and college survival kits, as every kid needs some extra coffee, letters, and cleaning supplies now and again.
Connect: Make adult connections.
There’s obviously never going to be, nor should there be, a replacement for your kid, but making more social connections is a healthy way to deal with the grief. Most of us wish we could be more social anyway, so now that you have more time on your hands, it’s time to talk to new people. Join a book club, a tennis group, try an art class — if you’re single or in an open relationship, try speed dating. The list of what you can do is endless.
There are also tons of friendship apps that make it way easier for adults, particularly mothers, to make new friends. Slowly is a pen pal app that embraces the art of writing letters, and takes the stress out of the need to reply quickly to messages on social media. Bumble for Friends takes the traditional idea of a dating app but helps you find new friends in your area, depending on your shared interests. And for moms specifically, try Peanut, an app designed to bring mothers together to support one another. Not only will they help you connect with new friends, but you’ll be able to find kindred spirits who are also going through empty nest syndrome themselves.
Choose: Self-care and goal setting.
People tend to forget that missing someone deeply can have negative effects on their physical and mental health. So treating yourself like you’re ill for a while won’t hurt. Take a week off while you watch your comfort shows, eat comfort food, and just rest. Make plans for yourself, particularly for days when you were due to spend time with your kid. If Saturday night was movie night for you two, then it’s now the perfect time to watch movies they were never interested in.
Go places you wouldn’t take them to, and focus on what you want. It’s also the perfect time to set goals for your near future. Maybe redecorate your bedroom, take an online class, plant a strawberry garden, take a dance class, write a book, visit a distant country — basically create a bucket list of all the activities you’d like to do while your kid is away. In around three to four years, you’ll look back and it all and wonder where the time even went!
