Love is a wonderful but complicated emotion. Some people grow up embracing love of all kinds. They aren't afraid to shout it from the rooftops. Their relationships would feel different if not for those constant expressions and affirmations of love. Of course, not everyone is like this.
There are plenty of people out there who don't say "I love you." While it isn't said in words, that doesn't necessarily mean it isn't felt. Families can be very loving without being affectionate and saying those three words. We aren't in control of the environments we're raised in, but when we venture out on our own, things change.
As you form your own relationships — and for some people, your own family — you're suddenly the person setting the tone. A person who has never uttered those words before might find themselves compelled to say it all the time. Alternatively, they may never feel comfortable using that phrase. These are personal decisions with personal motivations behind them.
If you're someone who didn't grow up in an effusive household that encouraged displays of affection but your life has changed in a way that makes these interactions normal, you may wonder where that leaves the family you were born into. You might feel inclined to break with your old normal and show some love for your parents. If you're looking to do that in a way that won't feel uncomfortable, here are some helpful launching points.
Learn their love language.
Love languages are all the rage in revolutionizing how we approach relationships. Learning how someone enjoys receiving love is the key to forming a deeper connection with them, according to this theory. Paying attention to what brings your parents joy or seeing how they show love for one another might give you some cues on how to approach the situation.
Be an honest person.
Some people speak in terms of affection, but they're really only offering lip service. People say things they don't mean all the time, after all, and that's not even considering people who flat-out lie and manipulate. If you're a person of integrity who is consistently honest, then people know that when you do say something, you mean it. Always being honest with your parents shows that you respect and love them enough to never lie.
Keep in touch.
A good percentage of adults don't live within a close enough range to see their parents often. Even the ones who do may not see them as much as they should because of the chaotic schedules of everyday life. Technology has made it easier than ever to keep in touch with others. Use the tools at your disposal (that you're likely using all the time anyway) and make time for your parents. Take an interest in what's going on with them, even if it's the same routine you've known all of your life.
Get to talking.
You don't have to talk about love in particular, but you can open yourself up to areas of conversation with your parents that you haven't before. The whole idea is to strengthen communication with them and show that not saying "I love you" isn't a result of the feeling not being there. Your love for them can still be deeply felt. In improving communication, you might build up to actually saying those words, or perhaps something more unique but equally satisfying and heartening.
Don't hold back from compliments.
Sharing the things you admire about people is a valid way of showing you love them. Sometimes, in the absence of being demonstrative about love, people develop tendencies toward expressing only criticism. By pointing out the positives in a person you care about, you're showing how much you appreciate and care about them.
Take time to join them in doing something they love.
Hobbies and interests bring people to their own personal happy places. There's a good chance that you can join in on whatever activity brings your parents some uncomplicated joy. Prioritizing and making time for something they think is worthy of their time shows that you trust in their judgment and enjoy doing the things that they enjoy doing. Even better, you enjoy doing things together with them.
Lend a helping hand.
People who have trouble speaking about emotions often have a hard time asking for help in other areas. Step in and help your parents with something that they wouldn't normally ask for on their own. It's an important way to show that you care and that you're paying attention. A little bit of help can go a long way.
Make them a present.
When people are young, they're often taught that homemade presents are extra special. That never changes. A homemade gift shows a very personal amount of thought and effort that you wouldn't put together for just anyone. It can be a simple and meaningful way of showing your parents that you care.
Spend quality time together.
We're talking real old-school quality time. That means ditching the devices and spending some individualized time together. You can just hang out, or you can go do something outside of the home together. Some people feel love as the time put into the relationship, and you'll never regret making the time for one of your parents.
Share the important stuff.
If your family had communication issues beyond just saying "I love you," it may be second nature to close yourself off. Don't be afraid to open up. Call them when something exciting happens. Share the interesting thing you learned about a topic they're interested in. Opening up can establish a baseline of comfort that could coax them out of their own shells.
Be respectful of their beliefs.
This generation, more than any of those before it, is dealing with differences in religious and moral beliefs. You don't have to share your parents' beliefs, of course. You can still hear them respectfully and share any differences of opinion in a way that doesn't come across as antagonistic. This is definitely one of the touchier ones to tackle, but if religion, faith, or spirituality matter to your parents, it's worth a shot.
Share your favorite childhood memories with your own family.
As parents become grandparents, they develop some new perspectives. You may not be lovey-dovey, but every parent appreciates hearing how they did a good job at something. Share the dear memories from your own childhood, and let them know very subtly how you felt loved.
Listen to them.
Seriously, actively listen to your parents. As you get older, there's a tendency to be more careful and purposeful in the things you say. Your parents may be trying to tell you something in a roundabout way. Make sure to listen to what they share with you, even if you've heard it a thousand times before. You never know what you might learn in the process.
Ask them for advice.
You don't even have to take the advice. Sometimes, asking someone about a situation can give you insight into the way they think and how they make decisions. You can learn a lot from how someone recommends you approach a situation. You can even find new things to appreciate about someone's character.
Just say it.
Sometimes, you have to be the one to take the first step in a bigger way. Don't be afraid to just say "I love you," even if it isn't easy, even if it feels uncomfortable. It will feel less so the more you do it, ideally. If you get a negative reaction, you know where you stand and how to adjust your expectations moving forward. Of course, don't put yourself in that situation if you feel you'll be adversely affected by the response. But sometimes the most direct, simplest approach can yield remarkable results.
