Let’s be real : saying no is hard. But when you’re sandwiched between raising kids and caring for aging parents, it can feel impossible. You’re the one everyone counts on, the glue holding everything together. But why does saying no makes us feel so damn guilty?
Tatiana Rivera Cruz, LCSW, explains that sandwich moms have many roles and responsibilities, which is one of the reasons we often have a hard time saying no.
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We were raised to be the helpers.
From a young age, many of us were taught that being a “good” daughter and a “good” mom means putting everyone else first. We saw our moms do it, and now here we are, carrying that same weight. Saying no can feel like we’re failing at these traditional roles we’ve spent a lifetime perfecting.
“Sandwich mothers fear boundaries because it may make them seem selfish when they’re not. This concept of ‘sandwich mother’ has a cultural and generational influence as well. This role provokes pressure, exhaustion, and burnout,” explains Cruz.
We don’t want to let anyone down.
Cruz says that sandwich moms take care of their aging parents and their own young children, and this means they feel they are deeply committed to them, making it impossible to say no when needed. They often prioritize their relatives and not themselves.
When your parents need help, you feel the pull — because time with them is precious. When your kids need you, the guilt kicks in — because they’re still growing and need so much. No matter which way you turn, someone is waiting, and saying no can feel like you’re choosing who doesn’t get your love today.
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We’re stretched so thin, we can’t even see straight.
Between school drop-offs, work deadlines, doctor appointments, and making sure everyone has somewhat nutritious food, we’re running on fumes. But instead of recognizing that we deserve rest, we convince ourselves that we should be able to “handle it all.” Spoiler: No one can.
We feel like we should be able to do it all.
Perfectionism is sneaky. It whispers, “You should be able to handle this.” It tells us that asking for help or setting boundaries is selfish. But the truth? We’re not failing when we say no. We’re simply acknowledging that we’re human.
How to say no without guilt (and actually mean it).
Cruz advises that the most important thing for sandwich moms to set boundaries and say no to doing more than they can handle is recognizing their limits. Sandwich moms need to understand and accept that they can’t be in charge of everything alone and that help is needed.
“Recognizing that help is needed gives the space to delegate and accept the help. It also helps the mom seek external resources, maintain healthy boundaries, practice self-care, establish healthy schedules for the family, and have family and friends as a support system. By setting these boundaries the mother takes care of herself physically and emotionally,” says Cruz.
Saying no isn’t just about protecting your time — it’s about protecting your energy, your peace, and your sanity. But for moms who are juggling kids, aging parents, work, and everything in between, it’s easier said than done. So how do we actually learn to say no, delegate without guilt, and carve out time for ourselves?
Start with small, low-stakes no's.
If you struggle to say no, start with things that won’t trigger a guilt spiral. Maybe that’s saying, “I can’t make it to the PTA meeting this week,” or “I’m not available to drive carpool today.”
When you get used to setting small boundaries, the bigger ones (like saying no to overcommitting to family obligations) become easier.
Some boundary setting phrases to try:
- “I can’t commit to that right now, but I appreciate you asking.”
- “I don’t have the bandwidth for that at the moment.”
Drop the excuses — no is a complete sentence.
Ever caught yourself over-explaining why you can’t do something? We often feel like we need a good reason to justify saying no. The truth is, you don’t owe anyone an elaborate excuse. You’re allowed to say no just because you need to.
Instead of “I wish I could, but my schedule is just so crazy and I have a million things going on,” you can say “I can’t, but thanks for thinking of me!” It’s short, simple and you’re done.
Delegate without the guilt trip.
Delegating doesn’t mean you’re slacking — it means you’re strategic. And guess what? You don’t have to do everything just because you can. Develop a new mindset where you believe every time you delegate, you’re creating more space for the things that actually matter.
Ways to delegate more:
- At home: Give kids more responsibilities (yes, even young ones!). Have a partner take on more mental load (not just tasks, but planning too).
- With parents: If you have siblings or family members, ask for their help. If you’re an only child, explore outside support like caregivers or meal delivery services.
- At work: If you’re constantly saying yes to extra projects, start redirecting them. “I’d love to help, but my plate is full now. Can we revisit this next month?”
Things to stop saying and believing:
- “It’s just easier if I do it myself.”
- “By the time I explain it, I could’ve done it.”
- “I feel bad asking for help.”
Carve out me time (and actually take it).
Let’s be real — self-care isn’t just bubble baths and spa days (although those are great). It’s about reclaiming time for yourself without guilt. Your well-being isn’t extra, it’s essential. A burned-out mom can’t pour into her family the way she wants to.
How to prioritize me time:
- Schedule it: Treat it like an appointment — because it is. You wouldn’t cancel on your kid’s dentist, so don’t cancel on yourself.
- Set micro-boundaries: Even 15 minutes alone with a book or a walk outside counts.
- Communicate your needs: Let your family know that your personal time isn’t optional — it’s necessary.
Things to stop feeling guilty about:
- Sitting in the car an extra 10 minutes before going inside.
- Ordering takeout instead of cooking.
- Saying no to things that drain you.
