It's been really hard to get the housework done this year. Since all of us have been home more often than usual, chores can very easily pile up. But it's even harder to focus on getting housework done if you work seven days a week. A Redditor using a throwaway account chose to post her story on the site's popular "Am I the A–hole?" thread, and it accidentally made people wonder whether or not her husband was the right fit for her.
Technically, the original poster (OP) works part-time, but her job is very grueling. She's a neurosurgeon, which is a fact she revealed shortly after initially posting. "My husband (33M) and I (31F) recently moved into a new apartment," she wrote. "I've always hated housework, but do usually prefer things to be neat around the place. Before now, he and I would split the chores, with him doing about 65% and me doing 35%. I had a recent change in my work schedule, and now work for 7 days in a row, ~115 hours a week, and then have the next 7 days off, then back to 7 days on etc."
"During the weeks I'm at work, I have no desire to come home and complete any housework because I'm generally too exhausted," she said. "My husband has decided that he no longer wants to do any of the household chores, even during the weeks I'm working. My solution to this was to hire a maid that comes by 1-2 times a week, every week, that way I don't have to bother with the chores either."
While most couples would agree that this is a good idea — especially as a trial — her husband didn't agree. "He doesn't like the idea, and feels it is still my responsibility to do the housework. MIL agrees with him that it's my job as a wife to take care of the house, and I shouldn't be fobbing it off on a maid," she said. "I kind of put my foot down and said we'd be hiring a maid anyway, and now he's offended and calling it financial abuse."
Needless to say, he may have worded things wrong.
But it shouldn't really be financial abuse — since while she technically works part-time, she still makes much more than he does per year. Together, they have more than enough to hire household help. "He works full time and makes ~150k and my work is defined as 'part time' since it's every other week, and I'm making about 400k," she said. "He and MIL are making the point that since I work part time, and he works full time, the housework should fall on me."
"I think calling it financial abuse is overstating things, but maybe I'm not seeing it from his perspective?" she asked. She also stated that it wasn't as much a financial issue — she'd pay for it entirely — but an issue about set responsibilities. Needless to say, the Reddit community was completely on her side.
She has one of the hardest jobs out there. For seven straight days, she works with people to solve issues related to the brain and spine. There's no room for error — and despite having a week off, it's hard to imagine how tired she must be from the week that she's on. It's even more of a high-pressure job these days.
Because of the health crisis, hospitals worldwide have been short-staffed. Many neurosurgeons are subbing in at COVID units, just to provide extra help. That means that she's risking exposure every day. Still, that doesn't stop her from doing her job.
So many Redditors couldn't get over the misogyny.
It's 2020 — women shouldn't be forced to clean the house and make dinner. These chores should be divided as a partnership. However, based on work (and not money), her husband and mother-in-law think differently. "Throw that whole man away," commented Redditor IndividualDismal1722.
Some even think that the OP should hire on a male maid, just to get the point across that it's not women's work. "I want her to hire a male maid and make him dress in maid clothes," wrote Mat-2018. "That way hubby will see a glorious alpha male doing 'wifely things' and get extra mad. Then dump him."
Most agree that the mother-in-law should have no involvement whatsoever.
It seems a bit strange that the husband's mother is trying to call the shots in their relationship. And having the husband side with his mother is enough to make anyone roll their eyes. The mother doesn't seem to live with them, so it's none of her concern.
Redditor suckerforpez saw right through it. "Her husband is threatened by her success and is trying to make her feel like it's getting in the way of their family life," they said. "He's afraid the gravy train will realize she's better off without him so he and his mom try to neg her into feeling like she's a bad partner. Such a bad partner that she should be grateful to have a human sized leech riding her coattails."
Redditor therealistofthereals got right to the point — the OP is in a wonderful position and shouldn't be treated this way. "So not only does she make more, work more, she also has brain flex for days and he thinks he can tell her 'housework is a wife's duty'? Nah, he's no good," they said. "This woman is a legit powerhouse and he's treating her like she isn't an impressive specimen. He's out of his d-mn mind and so his that MIL. Eff them both."
Hopefully, he'll learn how ridiculous he's being.
For many couples, something like this may be hard to come back from. In a way, it's almost as if he's trying to shame her career just because of its odd hours. In reality, he should be so proud of the hard work his wife puts in, and try his hardest to help her out. That's what true partnership is.
But if not, it may be time for marriage counseling — or a separation. If he continuously thinks it's the wife's job to manage the household chores, who knows what other outdated gender roles he abides by? No matter what, there's no way that the OP is in the wrong here.
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