Dating as a single mom or dad can be really tough. In addition to going through the usual ups and downs of meeting new people, you also have a child whom you have to consider every single step of the way. It can be hard for parents to know if and when they should introduce their kids to a new person.
What shouldn't be hard is telling the people you're dating that you have a child. While it absolutely makes sense to protect your children's details, such as their names and where they go to school, until you trust someone, flat-out lying about having a kid is a terrible way to begin any kind of relationship.
One man recently shared on Reddit that his good friend confided that she's been lying about being a mom when she goes on dates. She asked him for advice, so he told her what he thought … and now she's pretty mad him.
She doesn't tell people she has a kid until it's serious.
The guy writes that his friend is great, but she keeps making what he thinks is a big mistake: She doesn't reveal that she's a mom until things are pretty serious with a guy.
"My (30M) friend Sarah (30F) is a single mother to 4 year old boy. For the last few years, she's been dating guys, hides the fact that she has a kid until things start getting serious (or accidentally gets outed) and they all get scared off when they find out. Rinse & repeat."
She knows there's a problem.
She asked him for advice because she wants to date more guys that are like him.
He explained: "She confided in me, asking for insight into the mind of 'guys like you' (single, sober, liberal minded, financially stable & open to a serious relationship)."
He's also newly back in the dating pool.
The poster provides a little more insight into who he is, and the kind of men she's looking for.
"Now I'm just getting back into the dating pool," he wrote. "I don't have kids but it's not a deal breaker for me. I've always wanted to be a father & I'm not hung up on biology. I've always wanted to adopt/foster at least 1 child."
He said dating a parent comes with a lot.
He told her that anyone who wants to date a parent already has to consider so much more than they would if they were dating someone who isn't a parent.
"BUT, I told her, dating woman with kids requires a different approach at every stage (for everyone) than women without. There's an ex, custody, managing expectations, planning around her kids schedule, not getting attached prematurely, etc. And that's all BEFORE even thinking of living together let alone marriage."
And she shouldn't be surprised that they bail.
He also told her that if she's lying from the beginning, it shouldn't surprise her when guys freak out and end things.
"So she shouldn't be surprised guys don't stick around once they find out she's been lying to them about something astronomical. It's an [expletive] move bordering on entrapment."
She says he's insensitive to her struggle. Is he?
Predictably, his friend got upset and said that he doesn't understand what it's like to be a single mom, so he opened up the question to Reddit. Who is in the wrong here?
People are NOT on her side.
While plenty of commenters understood that having a kid means the mom automatically has extra considerations in place, they were appalled that she felt OK lying to men that she cared about.
"I might be willing to date someone with a kid, but I would never be willing to date someone who lied to me for months and tried to manipulate me like she evidently does," one commenter wrote.
Not everyone wants kids in their lives.
For starters, not everyone wants kids in their lives, and that's OK! Some people truly don't want to be parents in any way, shape, or form, and others know they aren't in a place where bringing a kid into their life makes sense.
"When you have kids you just aren't as flexible, because they need to be your first priority," one person noted. "And that's ok, but you need to seek partners with a compatible lifestyle."
It also means she is willing to lie about other important things.
Another person noted that they married a man who had kids and it's been great, but he never lied about being a dad.
That person pointed out, "If you were willing to conceal something like that, what else are you willing to justify to get what you want?"
It's really a kind of terrible thing to do.
Also, the mom isn't truly centering her child in this situation. Sure, it's OK to not introduce your child to someone new until you feel comfortable and ready … but to lie about children completely?
"If someone did this to me, I'd be horrified, not because they wasted my time but because when you have children they have to be a primary consideration in every major life choice," one commenter wrote. "I would view someone who did this as an awful human being and I don't want to date awful human beings."
People did offer ideas for her.
Lots of people also offered suggestions for what she can do to communicate that she's a mom while dating.
"This is exactly correct and the genders are irrelevent," noted one person. "She should also be upfront to save her own time. I was a single parent and did not hide my kid but it didn't always come up. Many of the second or third dates became the last dates when it came up. So I put it at the top of my profile and after that all the dates knew and still wanted a date, so that worked better. Early on I thought the profile was just about me, and I didn't see how having a kid was relevant but it was just better once I was up front."
A guy who has dated single moms had a great point.
If she doesn't want her parent status on her dating profile, that's fine, but one guy suggested she bring it up quickly in person.
He wrote: "As a single man who has dated women with kids. It doesn't need to be on the dating profile. It does need to be said on the first in real life date, though probably in the chat you have on the app/ in texts you have beforehand."
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