Single mom dating life is unquestionably tough. But don't worry! I'm back answering more of your toughest dating questions because, as a 36-year-old mom who has been dating again for a few years now, I've probably been there. That much is definitely true for the situation one reader has found herself in recently.
The question comes from a single mom we'll call Hopefully Devoted. Her question is thoughtful, important, and even more poignant during these trying times. Because, really, what she is asking is how to stay positive when the going gets tough.
She writes, "I'm a single mom who has been dating for a few years now, but it isn't getting easier. In fact, it's only getting harder."
Let's just pause to reflect on how relatable that sentiment truly is.
She continues, "With every failed relationship, I start to lose hope of finding something lasting. My relationships always start off great. I feel happy and excited and hopeful about love. But when it all falls apart, I inevitably have to put myself back together. After a few years, I'm finding that hope truly beginning to fade."
She concluded her post by writing, "I'm not sure I can keep doing it. Part of me wants to remain hopeful, but the other part wants to throw in the towel."
I can't overstate how much I feel what this woman is going through. In fact, I'd venture to guess that most single moms who have been bravely putting themselves out there, then doing it again, and again, have felt this exact. Same. Way.
I, personally, relate so hard-core to this question because when I started dating again three years ago, after a 10-year relationship, I was full of excitement. I was like a bull bursting out of the gate to chase after an actual, well, red flag. But that's … for another post. Either way, I couldn't wait to see what and who was out there. As it goes, I got completely clobbered when my first new relationship fell apart. It took a while to recover and really feel good about myself — and my ability to be in a relationship again.
I did pick myself up! And eventually, I got into a new relationship. But, of course (because, well, I'm very much still single), the pattern repeated. I went from happy, excited, and hopeful to totally crushed and devastated. And as the pattern of love, and then loss, continued with each person who faded from my life, I felt less and less hopeful about finding someone who might actually stick.
The thing is, Hopefully Devoted, the balance between being hopeful and being realistic is an incredibly tough place to find, let alone exist in. Sometimes, your emotions, whether that be sheer enthusiasm about someone new you find yourself interested in or total despair at something falling apart, get away from you. I just have to let you know how hella-freaking-OK and human that is. That is literally just what it feels like to be a human being who is dating. So please do not let anyone shame you for having feelings, even really intense feelings, about love and loss.
Staying hopeful about love is absolutely not possible all the time. You don't have to live there. The idea is that it should be a place you can come back to when you feel ready. The fact that you are asking this question means that you're taking a little mental health vacation into Doomsville. And while that sounds really counterintuitive, it's not. Your emos, your brain, your nervous system — they're all just spent. So they're lying to you a little bit to get you to take a break. They're telling you that nothing will ever work out, that you're not even emotionally capable of having a relationship, and that, well, you're better off just giving up forever and ever and just buying that really good "massager" everyone keeps talking about.
Don't do that, though. I mean, definitely buy the "massager," but don't give up on love forever.
I'm not going to BS you and tell you that this time next year, your search will be over, that you'll be happy and settled and you'll never be single again. I mean, that's a nice idea, but I have no clue at all when you'll find a solid relationship again. But I do know that people who stay hopeful usually do find something worth searching for. And I know that because it's happened to me again and again.
The lasting aspect is the tough part. The lasting is what you want. But it's still really important to not think of each devastating loss as a failure. It's a self-protective thing we do that serves us at times, yes. But it's maybe not the whole truth.
Each one of those epic failures — whether it be someone simply losing interest in you, or not being able to deal with your kids, or some other really big, unavoidable issue that comes up (and let's just face it, there are many more issues that come up when you're a parent) — is devastating. Believe me, I know they are.
But they are also really important parts of your journey. They are teaching you so many things that you didn't know about yourself before that now you do. That might just mean that you end up with the most fun, fulfilling relationship you could ever imagine having in the end.
I'm just saying, it's OK to go to the dark place. It's OK to not feel hopeful all the time, and it's OK to want to give up. You just have to remember that there is a lot of beauty in the painful, awful, hilarious, sad, and joyful process of loving people, even if you end up losing them. It's not for the weak, though. People decide to be done with dating all the time, whether they do it consciously or just sort of slowly stop checking their apps and start begging their teenager to be their BFF so they don't have to put themselves out there.
While I get it, and it's hella relatable, it doesn't sound like that's what you actually want. It sounds like you want a genuine connection. That alone means that quitting is probably not going to feel fully right for you.
So take your time. Heal your heart. Let your nervous system rest awhile. But keep one little section of your soul open so that when that glimmer of hope comes back around, you don't miss it.
Yes, you might get hurt again. Yes, it might be crushing … again. But if you can think of each bad date, each crappy Bumble conversation, each utter heartbreak as a step closer to what you really want, then you're already doing better than most people. That's something to be proud of all on its own.
