The phrase mail-order bride reads like a bit of a joke. The term seems outdated and even stereotypical in describing the marriages commonly associated with people from certain demographics. But marriages in which a woman lists herself in a catalog and a man selects her to be his wife are very real. And they are far more common in our modern world than people might assume.
Recently, a child from one of these unions shared what it was like growing up as the child of a mail-order bride and an older, disengaged, and self-centered father.
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A man on Reddit described his upbringing on the Ask Me Anything forum. He shared that his parents met on cherryblossoms.com in 2002. “I was conceived after his first visit to the Philippines,” he wrote. “They had a shotgun wedding during the pregnancy. My mom was 25 and my dad 49. My two half-sisters (18 & 19 at the time) were bridesmaids. I was born in the Philippines and raised in America.”
The original poster said that by the time he was in first grade, his mother had her green card and his parents were divorced.
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The OP’s mom said she loved his father.
Before the divorce, the relationship was not a healthy one. The OP described his father as “verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive.” The OP’s mother told him that while she loved his father, their marriage was like a “contract.” Despite the end of their marriage, his father remained in his life until his late teen years, when the OP cut off contact.
“When i was 17 we got into an argument about COVID (i forget the details). he threatened to beat the s— out of me and i told him try it, CPS already has your number. and that was the last thing i ever said to him,” he shared about the end of their relationship.
His father died at the end of 2023. He was mostly alone at the time of his death, having alienated all of his children. In the comments section, the OP got into specifics about the trauma he endured mostly at the hands of his father, and the nature of his parents’ marriage.
One Reddit user asked the OP how old he was when he found out about how his parents met. “I think I’ve always known,” he answered. “My dad loved to talk and talk and talk and I remember him showing me the website. He never had any shame about it. It would be hard not to know, really.”
The OP thinks all mail-order marriages are immoral.
One person asked the OP if he believed his parents’ marriage and other “mail order bride” unions are inherently immoral. The OP was clear. “Yes, unequivocally,” he said. “The power dynamic alone is enough for me to say that without hesitation.”
Ultimately though, he says his mother does not regret the decision to come to the US. “She got what she wanted,” the OP said. “Poverty is traumatizing and she had it better than a lot of people. She wanted the American dream and she got it. She owns her own place, and lives in enormous comfort compared to how she was raised.” He also says his parents had a good relationship up until his father’s death.
His relationship with his mom is not the best.
But despite the physical comforts, the familial relationships on all sides have suffered. The OP isn’t that close to his half sisters because they also cut their dad off. The OP explained that after he came out as transgender at age 14, his relationship with his dad became even more strained until the argument that resulted in his decision to go no-contact. And the OP and his mother seem to have the most complicated relationship of them all.
“She can be very emotionally immature and we’ve been fighting each other as long as i can remember,” the OP wrote. “I’ve begged her to go to family therapy with me for years but she refuses. I don’t think she really wants to take accountability for her mistakes. I’d say my relationship with her is even more complicated than the one I had with my dad.”
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
