Families come in all shapes and sizes. Many of us have blended families, which include stepsiblings or half-siblings. You also don't have to be biologically related to love someone and consider them part of your crew.
But sometimes those types of arrangements come with their own set of complications, which one Redditor is realizing right now. Using a throwaway account, throwaway___mum asked the online community whether or not she was in the wrong in Reddit's popular subgroup, "Am I the As*hole?"
Before going into her tale, she started off with some history. "When my son Nathan was 2, he met a friend in his daycare class, who we'll call Abby," she said. "Her dad, Jack, was one of the only other single parents there as his wife had left after Abby was born. Jack and I bonded over our children and ended up dating for a year and a half before getting married, and we had our daughter Eliza less than a year later."
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The story seems fairly common. These two already had something in common, and their children happened to get along. Thus, in her eyes, Abby was her stepdaughter who was more like a daughter. In her eyes, they were all her children. For many blended families, that's the healthiest way to approach an arrangement like this.
"Jack and I always raised all three of our children the same, and though they knew that Nathan had a different dad and Abby had a different mum, we had never thought to question if they saw each other as siblings," she said. "Then, last week, Abby and Nathan sat Jack and I down and told us that they had something important to say." At this point, the children are adults. Baby Eliza, as of today, is 17.
"Abby started in about how for the past few years her and Jack had been in a romantic relationship," she said. "She said that it happened after they were both adults, that they had gone to relationship counselling when it first started and that they were seriously thinking about marriage. Nathan then told us that they had admitted to having feelings for each other as teenagers, but had never acted on it because they were afraid of ruining their friendship, hurting each other, and most of all what we would think."
They knew it might be seen as taboo. However, they didn't have any biological ties to each other, and they had always seen each other as friends. The husband of the original poster (OP) was incredibly supportive when hearing the news. "At this point, Jack looked at me, grabbed my hand and hugged our children," she wrote. "He told them that he was sorry for us keeping them apart and that he 'could tell how happy they are together.'"
She, however, had a different reaction. "I just got up and left," she wrote. "My husband is right, they do look happy together. In fact, I've never seen my son or daughter happier. But I just can't accept this. I haven't responded to any of their messages or calls, and pretended I wasn't home when they tried to visit during the day."
The news also created a wedge between her and her husband. "I've been fighting with Jack since this happened, even so far as telling him that if it were my choice they would never have my blessing, and I would put them both in therapy for having incestuous desires," she admitted. "This really upset him, and the fighting got so bad that I had him sleep in the guest house. I've never gone this long without talking to my children."
In her mind, she viewed them as brother and sister. And that's where the incestuous comment came from. Since they met back when they were 2, she likely expected they also viewed each other like family and nothing else. "I have no idea how to navigate this, and every time I think about it their whole relationship just makes me sick and angry," she said. "That being said, I know I'm hurting my children. I know I'm hurting my husband."
Her issues with Jack have gotten so severe that they've started talking about divorce. "Since Abby and Nathan told us of their relationship, Jack has been going on tirades about how unsupportive I am, about how bad of a mother I am, and about how I didn't do this to Eliza (she's gay, and he's been comparing her and her girlfriend's relationship to Nathan and Abby's). He's even threatened me with divorce," she admitted.
"He hasn't talked to Nathan or Abby about my reaction, but he has threatened to," she added. She also said that when Nathan and Abby saw a counselor, that counselor had no idea that they were raised together. That's a big piece of the puzzle, and a big reason as to why the OP is so upset over the romantic pairing.
Many people put the blame on the OP. For one, what they're doing isn't illegal, nor is it incest — it just may be uncomfortable. And that's why they kept it from their parents at first. "They are adults and it sounds like they took the correct steps before starting a relationship," writes FailurePlayingStereo. "If you continue you'll lose everything, is this a hill you're willing to die on? Perhaps, you should consider therapy to work through your issues with their relationship."
DoctorsHouse also suggested that it's possible they never bonded as siblings the way the OP had assumed. "Just because they were 'raised together' doesn't mean they developed a sibling bond," the commenter wrote. "Even bio siblings don't always have one, why is it so hard to believe they don't have one either? They were friends before their parents met and always knew that they were not related. They are happy with their relationship and even OP admits they seem happier than ever, so it seems they discussed with their therapist whatever it was that they needed to discuss."
But many people sympathized with her. The fact that they were raised together since such a young age is a good reason as to why she's so confused by the pairing. "Most people who are raised together in close domestic proximity during their formative years (including toddler-hood) are desensitized to sexual attraction, sibling bond or no bond," writes Redditor MorganaLeFaye.
"The fact that OP's children are behaving contrary to that bears an honest investigation by a trained psychologist with all the relevant data."
Family therapy seemed to be a good suggestion, especially when it came to how the husband treated his wife. According to the OP, he threatened to take Eliza — who has only a year to go before becoming a legal adult — away from her. While she knows she may have reacted hurtfully, it can be hard to truly predict a reaction to news like this. Especially since she never sensed anything had developed between the two of them.
Many even believe that the kids lied to their therapist, since they themselves knew that growing up together would change the therapist's perspective. "The therapist most definitely would have something to say about them growing up in the same house even if they ended up reaching the same solution," wrote rose-buds. While nobody wants to deny true love, it is possible that the two of them didn't go about this the best way they could have, like people originally thought.
Reactions are a funny thing. And while it's possible that the OP will come around to this arrangement, or even grow to appreciate it, it's OK for her to have had such a strong reaction at first. The relationships in her house had all come crashing down on her, and it can be tough to pick up the pieces and move forward. She'll likely need to talk to someone about this who'll help her gain a positive perspective. But it's possible she'll also need to talk to them about her marriage and the way Jack has shifted blame onto her even more.
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