Being a stepmom is a challenging but rewarding experience. People will say that stepparents shouldn't complain about a situation they signed themselves up for. Any seasoned stepparent will tell you that isn't exactly how it works, however. Families aren't static; they are living, growing things. They change, situations change, and all kinds of chaos ensues.
I've seen my fair share of chaos in the nearly six years I've been a stepmom. People who have never been in a family where people divorce and remarry are surprisingly confused by how it all works, given how common it is. I've learned that people are beyond comfortable asking questions that would seem invasive under any other circumstances. You wouldn't ask any other mom if their kid likes them, for example, so why ask me?
The weirdness around my family situation comes to a head around that second Sunday in May. From family to friends to teachers and coaches, no one knows whether to wish a stepmom a happy Mother's Day. It's especially the case when, like me, you're a stepparent with no biological kids of your own.
Being a stepparent is a pretty unique experience. There's a lot of learning on the job, so to speak. You can read and research, but you never know quite what to expect until you're in the situation yourself. It's another testament to just how different every family is.
You experience a lot of weird inquiries and comments as a stepmom. It's not just from your stepchild, either. Teachers, coaches, doctors, and all other kinds of people in your stepchild's life will feel comfortable putting their two cents in.
One of the weirdest questions I often field is "What does he call you?" My name? I was so caught off-guard the first time I was asked this. I can't imagine what my face looked like.
Later, I realized that in other families, stepparents are sometimes referred to as aunts or uncles, Mom [Name] or Dad [Name]. To each their own, but that's not how we work.
Another setting where people don't seem to know how to handle stepparents is at school events. I can't tell you the number of times we've been asked if we're mom and dad. If we don't just nod and actually explain our situation, we become "dad and his [special] friend."
People, the kid knows what's going on. No one's going to burst into flames if you use the term stepmom. I'll even settle for significant other, but there's no need to act like it's so unusual for a child to have stepparents.
Any family structure outside the perceived norm has people suddenly asking invasive and uncomfortable questions. It's important to remember that regardless of a family structure or what you know about them, you're not entitled to any of that information. It shouldn't surprise you, therefore, if someone declines to reply.
If there's ever one time of the year you can count on weirdness around being a stepmom, it's Mother's Day. People seem more uncomfortable with my situation than ever around the holiday. This is even more so the case because I am not yet a biological parent.
There are people who have flat out commented around me that women who don't have biological children shouldn't celebrate the holiday. Last I checked, there wasn't DNA testing in the Hallmark aisle, so I'm not quite sure where that idea would come from. The holiday is a celebration of all the manifestations of motherhood, many of which aren't biological.
All moms, be they foster mothers, stepmothers, biological mothers, surrogates, or any other kind, deserve respect and recognition.
People are also very curious about what, if anything, I get for Mother's Day. What do we do?
In my case, we usually don't have my stepson for Mother's Day. He spends it with his mom, which is not an issue for me. Different families go through different struggles, but as someone who had stepparents myself, I had a baseline idea of what situations would arise and felt prepared.
I also get the joy of fielding awkward text messages. "Happy Mother's Day?" has definitely graced my screen more than once. I'm fine if you acknowledge me. I'm also fine if you don't. This only becomes weird when you make it weird.
Seasoned stepmoms will tell you that every year, the weirdness around Mother's Day shows itself a little differently. In my nearly six years as a stepmom, there have been a few years where things went uneventfully. To me, those are the best years.
Well-meaning parties have tried to intervene to get my stepson to give me gifts, make me a card, etc. While I know they're coming from a good place, I'm not someone who needs recognition in these ways. It doesn't bother me if I don't get some kind of token of appreciation, but I'm thrilled if I do.
Children's feelings about stepparents evolve as they grow. They learn to understand more, and sometimes that can cause distance. Many people feel that you can't understand the complexities of parents fully until you're in it yourself. With this in mind, it would be a little strange to expect kids to fall in line with how they are "supposed to," or fault them for it.
That said, if you're the kind of person who does need those things to feel loved and appreciated, there's nothing wrong with starting a conversation with your partner. You're not a monster for wanting to be recognized. Dropping hints may not get your point across in a timely fashion and may still leave you feeling disappointed.
It's also important that regardless of how you personally feel about being recognized by your stepchildren or significant other, you take the time to recognize and appreciate yourself. The job we take on as stepparents isn't an easy one. On tough days, it can be pretty thankless. Still, we press on for the love of family, conventional or not.
