There are a lot of reasons why a parent might discourage their teen from quitting a job. They may be trying to teach financial responsibility. They could want to instill an understanding of commitments. But one mom says her complicated reason has lost her the respect of her daughter.
A parent writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" column feared she's coming across as "a bad feminist and a bad mom." She explains that her 17-year-old daughter is working at a local restaurant, where she's seen her boss behaving inappropriately toward other members of the waitstaff.
The teen wants to quit, but her mom knows how tough getting a job is right now. She also feels like her daughter will likely encounter many less-than-pleasant men, and she should learn the best way to respond.
The mom explained her predicament in her letter. "My 17-year-old daughter just landed her first job at a restaurant near our home," she shared.
"I am proud of her and glad she was able to find something in our very small town. The issue is her boss."
"He is the owner and this is not a chain, just a single restaurant. He is old enough to be her grandfather and she sees him patting the rear ends of the other waitresses," mom revealed.
"She asked one of the women if he does that to everyone and was told, 'If he is comfortable with you.'"
"Neither of us want him to be comfortable with that, and she wants to quit to avoid that possibility," she explained.
"Otherwise, the job works for her with the location and the hours she is scheduled. She is unlikely to find anything else nearby and we only have one car, so driving to another town could be problematic."
"I have told her that what he does to the other women is wrong and that she in no way has to put up with that if and when it happens," mom explained.
"He did put his hand on her shoulder and I showed her how to pivot away and to firmly say, 'I am not comfortable with that,' and I told her to call me immediately to be picked up if she feels unsafe or pressured to accept such advances."
While mom's suggestions were aimed to empower, that didn't change the fact her daughter wanted to quit.
"However, we do not have much money and she will have to work during college to help support herself," mom noted.
"She will encounter plenty of dirty, old men and pushy, young men in her life and, even though it is completely unfair, I feel she needs to learn to set her boundaries and not just quit. My daughter feels I am not being supportive. I feel she will lose out on lots of opportunities in life if she won't be near men behaving badly. I want to be a realistic mom, but am I being a bad mom?"
Jenée Desmond-Harris, a.k.a. Prudie, offered her advice. "You are not a bad mom. Your advice to her about setting boundaries is great, as is your promise to come get her if anything happens," she replied.
"This would all be perfect if she were telling you she wanted to figure out how to keep this job."
"But since she wants to quit, there are two possible lessons you can teach her at this point and you have to choose one," she leveled.
"1) Never quit. Money is important. 2) Listen to your intuition and get the [expletive] out of any situation that makes you feel scared, grossed out, or victimized."
"No. 1 is valid. You do want her to be able to support herself," Jenée noted.
"But in the last year before you send her out into the world on her own, during a summer that is your last opportunity to share your values with the hope that they'll shape hers, I think No. 2 is much, much more important."
