It may never feel that natural or comfortable discussing the topic of sex with your teenager. And even though the teen birth rate has dropped to a record low in the United States, according to the National Center For Victims Of Crime, during a one-year period in the United States, “16% of youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized,” with that number bumping up to 28% “over the course of their lifetime.”
If you find those stats alarming, when you narrow things down even further and look at queer teens, The Trevor Project reports that LGBTQIA+ young people “report higher rates of sexual violence than the general population with nearly two in five queer teens (or 39%) reporting that they had been forced to do 'sexual things' that they did not want to do.”
Even if you’re a straight parent with a teen at home who identifies as queer, it’s important to have a conversation, or several, with them about practicing safe and consensual sex. For straight parents, this might feel like a bit of a tricky discussion to have as you might be worried about getting the language right while maintaining a sense of openness that allows your teen the space to be vulnerable.
This will be a helpful guide on how to navigate this important conversation with your teen and come out the other side with hopefully a better understanding of what they’re going through as a queer teen in regards to their sexuality, and how you can be their safe space they can always come back to when times get tough.
If you’re unsure how to navigate things or even begin the conversation, be sure to check out useful resources for some education.
Remember back in high school or college how you might have turned to your English professor to try to fully understand a certain passage in a book for the big upcoming test? Vastly different things, but the notion still applies because if you find yourself feeling a little lost or apprehensive about having a conversation with your queer teen about safe sex, there is no shame in seeking help and guidance beforehand.
For straight parents, if your city or community has an LGBTQIA+ center, they are a great information source to hit up because they’ll likely have trained professionals or even just solid reading material that can help guide the safe sex conversation with your queer teen.
The Trevor Project and Planned Parenthood are two amazing online resources filled with tons of links to other websites and organizations that offer guidance and proactive tips on sexual health regarding young adult members of the LGBTQIA+ community. If anything, they’re a useful place to peruse, even if you’re feeling somewhat confident, because if your teen is looking for specific guidance and you don’t have the experience or language, at least you have somewhere reputable to guide them.
If you feel nervous yourself about having this discussion with your teen, be open and honest about that.
One thing to remember about parenting, especially when you’re in uncharted territory, is that it’s perfectly OK to feel nervous about how to proceed with a situation or conversation that feels foreign to you. Even though you’re an open and empathetic parent with a big heart, it’s completely acceptable to admit to your LGBTQIA+ teen that talking about sex, especially with your teenager, feels a little embarrassing.
You might find that stating the obvious is a great way to break the ice because maybe then your kid might see themselves in you a little bit and appreciate the fact that you’re pushing through. Plus, this can also be a way to allow your teen to help lead the conversation in a direction that feels comfortable for them because, after all, this conversation about safe sex is for their well-being and benefit.
Try to remove gendered language in an attempt to be more inclusive.
One important way you can start to make your teen feel comfortable having the safe sex talk is by removing gendered language that can often cause a distinct divide that casts a glaring light on binary male and female categories. Using gendered language, even if your teen knows that you’re inclusive and accepting, can be alienating for a lot of individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+.
If you’re a parent who feels comfortable using descriptive language, experts suggest using terms such as “people with vulvas or penises” or “pregnant person” to be more queer positive and inclusive when referring to various sexual acts and the safety precautions that are necessary when engaging in them.
It’s also helpful to use the “they” pronoun whenever referring to possible partners or your teen’s significant other because you can never be sure how someone identifies, so this simply shows respect for their gender identity.
Remember that it’s important to discuss consent, pregnancy, and STIs with your queer teen.
Even though it may seem a little daunting or uncomfortable, it’s important to remember that even though your teen may identify as LGBTQIA+, it’s still crucial to open up your safe sex discussion to include topics such as consent, preventing pregnancy, and STIs.
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Experts note that you can feel free to speak from your own experiences that you went through as a young adult who was exploring their sexuality because even if you have more to learn about your child’s sexuality and identity, a lot of safe sex practices are inclusive and vital for everyone who is sexually active.
If you’re not familiar with the best safe sex practices for those with a same-sex partner, simply discuss matters as inclusively as possible and make it clear to your teen that no matter who they may be having sex with, there are birth control and contraceptive options that can be made available to them. And if they ever find themselves in a situation where they feel uncomfortable or want to say no, even if it's with a significant other and they've been down this road before with them, they should feel no shame in voicing that and putting a stop to things.
Help them identify and consider preventive health care measures, such as any vaccines and medications that will help protect themselves throughout their sexual journey.
Health care and certain preventive measures have come a long way in the past several decades, which is an incredible thing for everyone, including the LGBTQIA+ community. When having discussions about safe sex practices with your queer teen, it’s important to allow them bodily autonomy while also showcasing some vital options that can help maintain their sexual health.
Even though condoms are always a must for gay and bisexual men, if your queer teen hasn’t heard of PrEP, it makes sense to share with them how it can offer HIV protection. Plus, it’s also helpful to share how if they want to stay on top of their sexual health, they may also want to look into the HPV and hepatitis A and B vaccines and birth control contraceptives, which are not just for straight people.
Also, it’s crucial to remind your teen that being a responsible sexually active person, no matter how they identify or their age, means getting tested for STIs regularly, especially if they recently left or entered into a new relationship or dating situation — and they should never feel ashamed to ask their partner to do the same.
*Disclaimer: The advice on LittleThings.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
