Last names can sometimes be … tricky. While many are pretty unobtrusive, one mom writes on Reddit that her son has been on the receiving end of a last name that definitely has connotations she would like to avoid.
The mom shares, "I (31F) share a son (9M) with my ex (35M). My son has my ex's last name, which is Cox… except spelled like Cocks. It's an old English spelling apparently."
Her ex hasn't been very involved.
She writes, "My ex and I got divorced when my son was 18 months old. When it came down to splitting custody, I offered my ex a reasonable visitation schedule based on our son's age. My ex declined it, stating he 'gets bored with him' and just wanted a 4 hour visit on Sunday mornings. Quite often, my ex would call me halfway through the visit to ask me to come get our son so that he (my ex) could go hang out with friends. I would always go get my son, not wanting him to be in the middle of a bad situation or force my ex to keep him the full 4 hours if he truly didn't want to."
He also usually brings their son back to her early.
"My ex ended up moving out of state (about a 10 hour car ride away) and would typically ask for 2-3 visits per year, on MOST of which he would end up returning our son earlier than planned," the woman continues. "Just one example – he asked for a 10 day visit, and called 3 days into the visit asking me to come pick up our son because my ex was going on a trip with some friends to a casino for a few days. You get the idea – he hardly ever sees our child, and almost always returns him earlier than planned so he can go do his own thing."
Her son is dealing with bullies because of his name.
"Now that you have some context, here's my dilemma," she explains. "I got re-married in 2019, and took my wife's last name. My son is to the age now where he's starting to get confused why he doesn't have the same last name as my wife and I. We are also planning on having another child together, which will obviously take our last name as well. On top of this, with my son's last name being so phallic, he's been targeted by bullies at school ALREADY, even though he's only 9 years old. We've had issues with systems bouncing back the name as a swear word, too."
She asked to change the last name, but her ex said no.
"I approached my ex to ask if he'd be willing to let us change my son's last name to ours, due to the above reasons. He declined, stating that 'he shouldn't have to deal with this disrespect' and 'it's his right as a man to have offspring with his last name' – when I asked him, 'Okay, but what about the bullying?' his response was, 'He should learn to wear it like a badge of pride and you're damaging him by telling him it's okay to have a different name.'"
She feels stuck.
"At this point, he hasn't seen our son in 3 years, calls about once a month for 5 minutes, and doesn't take much interest in… well, just about anything to do with our son except this, apparently. He's always been extremely prideful, bordering on narcissistic, but I need to do what's best for my son. He keeps swearing up and down that this will be the downfall of their relationship, and it'll be my fault."
Most people are on her side.
One commenter wrote, "Bio dad is not involved, and probably wouldn’t even notice that your son’s last name was changed for a long time. If it’s affecting your son, do it. I have a feeling you have fairly reasonable proof."
Like, really on her side.
"For someone who doesn’t bother to play any active part in his son’s life, your ex has a lot to say regarding this.
"NTA. You’ve done the polite thing, which is ask. If you can legally change it without his input, go ahead!"
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