Parents receive all kinds of outside judgments and advice on how to best execute their roles and create well-adjusted children who grow up into fully functioning adults. It can be exhausting to sort out what works best for each individual situation. Here’s another one to add to the list.
Respected psychologist Charlotte Reznick believes it is best for parents to avoid kissing their kids on the lips. She has many reasons to back this up, including that it makes it difficult for children to set their own boundaries, leaving them vulnerable to becoming victims. Celebrities such as David Beckham disagree and practice the very thing Charlotte disapproves of.
According to Charlotte, the hallmark of healthy child development is their ability to maintain personal boundaries. When a parent chooses to kiss a child on the lips, it has the potential to signal to the child that they cannot control their personal space. Other parenting behavior, such as force-feeding or tickling without consent, can have similar messages.
These behaviors, as well-meaning as they may be, can open the child up to developing "victim syndrome." It makes it difficult for a child to set boundaries or even assert themselves. A parent should arm children with personal agency, and kissing on the lips could rob them of this, according to Charlotte.
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Another reason to avoid kissing children on the lips is it has the potential to be unsanitary. Adults have stronger immune systems and can pass on diseases to kids through their salvia. Kids might not yet be fully equipped to fight off these infections.
Kids learn through imitation. A child might not understand that while it is appropriate to kiss parents on the lips, it is not appropriate to do that same behavior with someone outside of the family. This innocence has the potential to be used in a nefarious manner.
Another challenge of kissing a child on the lips is when to stop. As a child ages, the behavior might become uncomfortable for them but they might feel bad about expressing this. By never beginning this behavior in the first place, a parent can avoid this.
Four years ago, David Beckham faced backlash for posting a photo on Instagram of him and his daughter Harper kissing on the lips at Christmastime. “I don't think you should kiss your daughter after an age,” one user posted in the comments. Many other users defended David and shared that they also kiss their own children on the lips.
In the 2018 documentary Tom vs. Time, football star Tom Brady was shown kissing his 11-year-old son on the lips. Tom’s interaction with his son appeared transactional. He requested the kiss and, in exchange, his son was allowed to check his fantasy football team. Many took issue with the forced affection.
At the end of the day, parents should listen to experts but filter it through their own knowledge of their children. Parents have the final say on how they want to create their families. Dr. Reznick suggests no kissing on the lips.
