Blending families can be an uphill battle, whether it's happening through becoming a stepparent or even adopting your partner's children. One man recently shared on Reddit that he's in a curious position: He would like to adopt his wife's daughter, but he doesn't feel comfortable adopting her son.
He begins, "My (41m) wife (39f) and I have been married for 2 years but together for 5 total. She has two kids from a previous marriage, 'James' (15m) and 'Becky' (8f). I met them both after about 6 months of being with my wife and we all moved in together after a year."
His stepdaughter asked him to adopt her on her own.
"Of her own accord a few weeks ago, Becky asked me to adopt her (their biological dad is absent and neither of them have seen him in years) which I thought was incredibly sweet and I was very moved," the original poster (OP), shares. "I've cared for her since she was very small and she thinks of me like her dad so I of course said yes and was willing to start looking into the process legally. My wife was delighted too as apparently Becky had asked her about this first and she knew I'd say yes."
His wife said he should adopt both kids, but he doesn't think her son would want him to.
"Separately, my wife then said to me that if I adopted Becky I also needed to adopt James out of fairness," the man continues. "However I am absolutely not going to do that. If Becky thinks of me as her dad then James absolutely does not. He's never liked me and has no interest in bonding with me. He won't come on one-on-one days out with me and never really has, will barely speak to me, doesn't want me to come to his school sports, doesn't want me to know about his life or his friends or his hobbies etc. The few times I've managed to convince him to come somewhere with me out of necessity, he seemed like the unhappiest kid ever and so I've stopped forcing it now."
His wife is upset that he doesn't want to adopt both kids.
"So you can see why I really don't think this kid would want me to adopt him. I'm not his dad, I'm not sure he even really thinks of me as a stepdad but as his mother's husband. But when I explained this to my wife, I'm the [expletive] 'treating the kids differently', 'he's just a child, you need to be the bigger person'. 'You'll be excluding him from the family if you don't, how could you be so cruel and heartless' 'You're not the man I thought you were' etc."
He says the idea just makes him uncomfortable.
"I know he's just a kid, and we haven't asked him if he wants me to adopt him yet so maybe this is a moot point anyway, but I don't even want to offer because I just feel so uncomfortable. Maybe I am a bad person, I mean I love him on a familial level because he's my stepson but I don't feel connected with him. My wife has now said if I don't adopt James I can't adopt Becky (because apparently I can't be trusted to treat them fairly) and I can't say that to her because it would break her little heart."
Commenters are able to see a lot of sides to the topic.
As one person put it, different kids have different needs. TinyRascalSaurus wrote, "Sometimes treating kids fairly means meeting different needs. For your daughter, that need is to be adopted. For your son, it may be space and time to process things. The teenage years are a minefield. Your wife needs to understand that the children are two very different people, and need different things to be happy."
Some suspect the wife of emotionally manipulating everyone.
Reddit user xxsweetsxx wrote, "I feel like this is a roundabout way to pressure the son to accept an adoption. Is there a possibility the mom wants a nuclear family so that everyone shares a family name and everything? Possibly emotional blackmail? Brother, your sister feels bad because you won’t accept the family!!!"
One person suggested family counseling.
Another Reddit user gave the mom the benefit of the doubt. They suggested, "I'm inclined to extend her the benefit of the doubt and generously suppose that she wants this for both of them because she's concerned that in the very long term (and mothers are good at the long game), the son may feel resentful. In the moment, OP's reticence is 100% valid, but without being there isn't the mom's concern for her son valid too?
"I'd like to recommend a few family counseling sessions. Everybody doesn't have to come to an agreement on the right course of action, but they do need to respect each other's legitimate POV. Let the son be asked his preference; then let him answer and hear what he has to say. Let the mother be asked why she's so intent on the dual adoption and then listen to what she has to say. Let the father speak his piece about his concerns. Let the daughter speak up about her desire for a father. Perhaps everyone has legitimate feelings and needs and acknowledging them in a therapeutic environment may help everyone make peace with the ultimate decision, even if it isn't possible to satisfy everyone 100%"
