Anyone who has a large group of friends knows that each person has their own unique role in the group.
Chances are, someone is the ring-leader, someone is the center of attention, someone is the secret-keeper, and so on and so forth.
Well, one woman just revealed herself to be the "awful friend" of the group when she wrote a letter to a therapist asking for help dealing with the "ugly" friends in her circle.
No, this is not a joke.
The woman, who refers to herself as "Desperate to Help" (or "DTH"), wrote to NY Magazine's Lori Gottlieb asking for help. She explained that most of her friends are attractive, thin, and fit, but two women aren't "conventionally attractive."
As if that weren't enough, she feels like her friends' ugliness and misfortune in dating is rubbing off on her and making her frustrated that they won't "help themselves."
Luckily, therapist Lori Gottlieb knew exactly how to respond — and called out DTH. Read the full exchange below!
[H/T: BuzzFeed]
DTH wrote:
Dear Therapist,
Please bear with me as I try to give some context for what is going to sound very unpleasant. I am a reasonably attractive woman in her early 30s. I have a long-term, doting partner, and we are extremely happy in our relationship.
I am part of a female friendship group that would typically be considered very attractive, slim, and fit. Most of us have long-term partners and when we go out, most of us are never short of propositions from male suitors.
My problem is this: I have two friends who would not be described as conventionally attractive. They are both longing for a partner and a family, and as we all get farther into our 30s, this is becoming increasingly problematic.
All I want for them is to be happy, and it’s making me so sad to see such wonderful people being constantly rejected and humiliated in the dating scene.
It also seems particularly unfair to me that so many of our mutual friends are objectively beautiful women and receive what is almost an embarrassing amount of attention from men. The comparison is drawn, and it’s obvious what the problem is for these two lovely friends.
I have done my best to listen and be empathetic, I encourage them to find hobbies and ways to meet men outside of our social circle, but they are both at a point now where I would say that they are suffering from some level of depression.
I am constantly begging them to seek the help of a therapist so that they can learn to love themselves despite the fact that much of male society thinks they are not worth loving, but they ask me what use that could possibly be when what they truly want is a partner and a family.
I’m stuck. I’ve repeated the same encouragement so many times that I have nothing left to say.
I am widely considered to be an honest friend, sometimes even brutally so. I want to support my friends through the difficulty of what they are experiencing but I often find myself saying something flippant in order to avoid the reality of the situation.
I want to know how I can help these two loving, worthwhile women. I am tired of seeing them suffer and want to help them to help themselves. I hope I don’t sound heartless when I say they are not “pretty” but I think their success rate in the dating world speaks for itself — they often can’t get past a first date. Please help me!
Sincerely,
Desperate to Help
Reading DTH's letter is pretty shocking, but luckily Lori knew just what to say. She wrote:
Dear Desperate to Help,
You may not realize how damaging your “I feel so sorry for them” attitude is. While I have no doubt that you care about your friends, there’s a difference between compassion and pity, and if you pity them, even privately, you send them a message that’s not just damaging but untrue. Your contention, for instance, that “the fact that much of male society thinks they are not worth loving” is hardly a “fact.”
Sure, the men who hit on the “very attractive, slim, and fit” women in your social circle may not be drawn as strongly to these two friends based on the dynamics of a bar. But how you go from that to the conclusion that “much of male society thinks they are not worth loving” is quite a leap!
How do you explain the statistical majority of women in the world who aren’t “very attractive, slim, and fit” — and yet somehow find themselves married to men who presumably consider them “worth loving”?
Observe any public place that’s not a pickup scene — the post office, Costco, the DMV, the TSA line at the airport — and look at the preponderance of women who might not fit the “very attractive, slim, and fit” description but have wedding rings on their fingers or boyfriends holding their hands.
Next time you’re jogging around a park on a lovely Sunday, take a look around you. Look at all the average-looking people! Look at all of these not-conventionally-hot people sitting with their partners and families, laughing or kissing or chasing their kids across the grass.
I don’t think you know what “the reality of the situation” is. And without intending to, you’re contributing to your friends’ belief in this so-called reality.
There are plenty of attractive and loving men available to your two friends. These women may “not get past a second date” for reasons that have less to do with their appearance than the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors they’re bringing to those dates. Few young women are so unattractive that they can’t get a second date based on their appearance alone.
I want to suggest, DTH, that you question your assumptions about men and women and attraction and worth, not just for your two friends’ sakes, but also for yours. Eventually, you too will lose your power to draw male eyeballs in the way you do now.
One day you’ll be sipping drinks at a table next to some very attractive 25-year-olds, or walking down the street with your teenage daughter and her friends, and find that the propositions from male suitors are directed elsewhere.
And by the time that happens, I hope you will have discovered that you are still worth your partner’s love.
[Some of Lori's response letter has been cut for use in this article. Please read her full letter here.]
What do you think of DTH's letter? Unfortunately, her letter doesn't prove anything about her friends' attractiveness, just that DTH herself has a pretty unattractive heart.
There's only one thing her friends need from her, and that's support. They aren't asking DTH to solve their dating problems, just for her to care about them.
If you're stunned by DTH's request for help dealing with her "ugly" friends, please SHARE this article with your friends!
