Nothing highlights the fissures in a strained relationship more than the death of the one person who held everyone together. People start trying to prove how close they were to the deceased, division of assets can cause tension, and if the dearly departed didn’t leave instructions about their final wishes, and things can descend into utter chaos.
One man who died recently did leave explicit instructions. Still, with everything clear and enforced by a lawyer, his daughter and second wife are in the middle of a contentious conflict about how the dad’s ashes should be shared.
The OP shared that her father was married twice during his lifetime.
The deceased man’s daughter went to Reddit to discuss the family matter. She began by saying that her father appointed her uncle, his brother, to execute his plan. Still, the blended family dynamic caused an issue. “Dad was married twice,” the original poster wrote. “Once to my mom who died when I was 3. And then with his widow who he married when I was 15.”
The OP and her stepmother never got along. When her father had children with his new wife, things didn’t exactly change for the better. Still, she said the relationship with her father was solid.
Her father wanted his ashes split evenly between his dead wife and his widow.
Her father’s wishes were that half of his ashes go to his second wife, his widow. The other half were to go to his daughter so he could be with his first wife. “My mom was cremated too,” the OP wrote. “I have her ashes as well. Wife number two was not happy about those wishes and she tried to keep them all. But my dad had planned everything and had legally ensured his wishes were followed with the help of my uncle.”
Since the funeral, the OP has attempted to go no contact with her late father’s wife. But it hasn’t gone over too well. “[She] has contacted me at least 11 times now saying I need to share my half of the ashes with my half siblings because they have none and we each have half.”
The OP blocked her after the first message but wife No. 2 keeps using different numbers to reach her. “I don’t even need to ask if it’s her,” the OP wrote. “Because nobody else would text randomly about ashes like that.”
The OP’s aunt suggested they combine her dad’s ashes and split them four ways.
The OP’s aunt suggested combining the two sets of ashes and then splitting them four ways, to include her half siblings. When the OP said no, her aunt told her she shouldn’t “take [her] hatred of wife number two out on the kids more than I have.”
The OP wanted the Reddit community to tell her if she was being intentionally cruel to her dad’s widow and her half-siblings.
The Reddit community said she was NTA.
No one sided with the widow on this one. “Am I understanding correctly that you got 50% of the ashes and the second wife got 50% of the ashes?” one Reddit user asked for clarification. “If so, she can share her portion of the ashes with their children. It is not at all your responsibility to give them any portion of your ashes.” The OP confirmed that was the arrangement.
Other users seemed to think that the widow wanted to take all of the OP’s ashes so she and her children could have them all and he wouldn’t “be” with his first wife anymore.
More than a few people offered advice on how she should communicate with the widow going forward. “Option 1. Send her a final message saying you have combined the ashes with your mother’s ashes in the same urn, and it’s not possible to separate them even if you wanted to, which you don’t,” they suggested. “Option 2. If you have access to a lawyer, have them send a cease and desist letter.”
We agree. If her father’s wishes were clear and executed how he intended, that should be the end of it. The widow can give her children some ashes from her portion, stop arguing, and let everyone move forward with the process of grieving.
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