A working mom was nervous to embark on a new stage in her career, and her family didn't ease those concerns. This mom took to Reddit to share how her parents' and in-laws' opinions on a change in her family dynamic have enraged her.
The mom explains she took a new job at the end of the year that includes bimonthly travel when travel becomes safe again. Of course, she talked out this decision with her husband, whose job became permanently work from home during the health crisis. They were comfortable with the changes that would need to be made and confident they could handle things. Their kids, a 10-year-old girl and a 4-year-old boy, were aware of the changes.
Their parents were not so comfortable. Both sets of grandparents expressed a desire for the 10-year-old to start stepping up and taking care of more work around the house in her mother's absence. That's despite the fact that the 10-year-old already volunteered to help around the house from time to time.
It's also despite the fact that dad felt perfectly capable of taking on everything without putting more on his daughter's plate. Mom decided to ask Reddit whether she was misperceiving the situation or if the rest of them were in the wrong.
This mom was not prepared for how the news of her new job would be received.
A mom of two took to Reddit to explain the small bit of chaos that broke out in her family following the news of her new job.
"I'm married to my husband of 8 years (together for 12 years in total), and we have a 10 year old girl and 4 year old boy," she shared.
"I changed jobs at the end of last year. I worked full time before, however my office was 10 minutes from home and a short walk from my daughter's school."
The job change also comes with more demands on her time.
"With my job change, I now work 45 minutes away (1.5 hour round trip), and will be expected to make national and international trips (world permitting) on a bi-monthly basis. My husband also worked full time about half an hour away from home, however following lockdowns, his company switched to WFH permanently, so we converted a space into an office and he now works there."
Their families think the new job will 'negatively impact our family life overall.'
"I'm posting because we've run into an issue with our families. They're all worried that my job change is going to negatively impact our family life overall," she explained.
"My husband now working from home was the main reason I applied for the job, and we discussed extensively the changes it would bring. He is perfectly happy with the few alterations he would have to make (eg. cooking every family meal, whereas before we did an equal share). However, like I said, our parents are all worried."
Everyone is looking at her 10-year-old to pick up the slack.
"We visited my parents last weekend, and my mother wouldn't let my daughter go off and play with her brother until she'd washed all the dishes, despite her volunteering to help cook (of her own free will) earlier on in the day," the mom continued.
"When I stepped in and said that she could go, my mother was annoyed, and said that my daughter needed to quickly learn how to do things like clean and cook, since she'll be the one 'in charge' with me gone."
The mom balked.
"I corrected her and said that my husband would be in charge, and that I have no concern about his abilities, since he's perfectly capable of completing domestic tasks on his own," she shared.
"Sure, the kids can help if they want, and my daughter already does little chores like making her bed and cleaning up her room for pocket money, but we'd never expect more than that.
"My father joined in the conversation, and said that it was only 'right' that my daughter started to do more around the house, and that I could even make it fun by making her my 'deputy" or 'mini me'. No offence to anyone who thinks like that, but my children are very much their own little independent selves, and not miniature versions of me or my husband. I again said absolutely not, and asked that they respect our choices."
'By the time we got home, we had messages from all 4 parents saying that we were in the wrong.'
"Am I going mad?" the frustrated mom asked.
"My daughter is a child, not some Stepford wife in the making or someone who needs to be taught housewife skills before we sell her off to a rich count as a part of a business deal! Neither of us obviously thinks we're in the wrong here, so that's why I'm bringing it to impartial Internet observers."
A commenter asked the mom an important question.
A commenter asked the mom if she thought the grandparents would all be reacting the same way if her male child was the older one.
"I grew up with my brother and looking back now, I do remembering doing more domestic tasks than him, but I always put it down to being the older one," she noted.
"Even 40 years ago it was more of a different time, but I am upset that all of our parents seem to think that it's acceptable now. I'm not honestly sure what they'd be saying if my son was the 10 year old and my daughter the younger one, however I'm sure it wouldn't be so firm as they're being in the current situation."
Commenters suggested all the grandparents involved have internalized a lot of sexism in their lives.
"I really can't get my head around that one. My husband is absolutely fine with cooking, cleaning, helping the kids with homework, whatever," the original poster (OP) shared.
"God forbid, but if I dropped dead tomorrow I know that the children would forever be safe with him. My parents know this too, So I don't really know where this is all coming from. I was loathe to refer to it as sexism in my post since they've never tried to assert gender norms or been overly in favour of one child or the other because of their gender, however yours and other comments are making it clear that this is the issue, which they themselves might have internalised up until now."
Folks did not hesitate to point out how toxic that could be for this little girl.
"Keep your daughter away from these people," one commenter urged in a sentiment that was agreed upon by many people supporting the mom's viewpoint.
"They are disgusting to try and put this burden on a 9 yr old girl. This is child abuse and is called parentification. Consider a timeout for all four of them, because they will continue to push their agenda on a child."
Many people pointed out the obvious fact: She's only a kid.
"She is 10 years old! She is a child and should be allowed to be one," another commented noted.
"Your husband is an adult who is capable of 'running the house'. Next time it's brought up by his parents, I would ask of them if they felt they had done such a poor job raising him that he needs his CHILD to take care of him. Because that's exactly what they are saying!"
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