Caring for a terminal family member is an agonizing experience for any family. It isn't easy to know that your loved one will not survive their battle against illness. It's also hard to strike a balance between letting them have agency and enjoy their remaining time in life and trying to keep them safe.
This intense juggling act was made harder for one woman by her in-laws. She took to Reddit to share what she's been through with others. She explains that her husband has a terminal illness and is currently in the hospital. Because of a bad relationship with his parents, he's decided to not keep them updated on every detail of his health battle. They are aware of his prognosis but don't get regular updates on hospital visits and such.
The woman also notes that her husband didn't come to this decision lightly. Aside from their bad history, his parents have also stolen donations meant for their 5-year-old son. It all came to a head when the original poster (OP) learned another trusted family member has kept his parents in the loop, allowing them more opportunities to behave inappropriately. OP is distraught by how entitled people feel to her dying husband's experience.
A woman took to Reddit to share how an incredibly difficult time in her life is being made that much more complicated by her in-laws.
"My (33) husband (35) has an aggressive terminal disease. It is his choice to keep his parents not up to date on everything going on with his health. They know he is terminal. And they know he is currently in the hospital," she explained.
Her husband's current health situation is uncertain, which makes matters more difficult.
"He was supposed to come home by now, but there have been several setbacks, and now we aren't sure if he will be released or if he will go into palliative care," she explained.
"Long story short, he doesn't not have a good relationship with his parents. They were mentally and emotionally abusive his whole life. Though, he wants nothing more that to believe they have changed and that they love him, but they keep pulling crazy [expletive]."
"So, for personal reasons, and safety reasons, he has decided not to keep them updated on his condition from the hospital," she noted.
"He is still alive, he is conscious, and he is thinking clearly. So, as far as I am concerned, it is his choice."
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Someone else in the family felt differently. "Well, a family member that we thought we could trust with updates has been going behind our backs and updating his parents," OP revealed.
"Which led to a [expletive] storm at the hospital when they found out they couldn't visit and the hospital would not give them an update. I spoke to these relatives on Friday and told them to never again give his parents an update, or talk about his condition, or him, in general. That is unbelievably wrong to violate our trust by going behind our backs and discussing his private medical information with ppl they knew he wasn't updating. They agreed."
OP tried to move past the situation, but it wasn't that easy. "I was still angry, but whatever. Then today, while I was over, I heard them talking to his parents again," she shared.
"I told them that they had no right, and my husband was an adult and capable of making his own decisions and they violated that right. And from now on, we would not be giving them any updates either, and they can just wait until they read the obituary. And so long as they are talking to them, I don't want anything to do with them."
People in OP's life have been giving her grief over her decision.
"Apparently, I am the [expletive] because 'they are family.' But as far as I'm concerned, my husband still has the right to be treated with dignity and respect and privacy. And he doesn't owe anyone updates on his condition."
People inquired for more information regarding how bad the relationship between her husband and his parents really was.
"For ppl wondering how bad his parents are, they have been stealing donations ppl have made to our young child and depositing into their account," she responded. "So, they are willing to use their son's terminal illness and their only grandchild's name to get money for themselves."
After more conversation with commenters, OP shared that it was her own family that shared information with his:
"The people sharing information was my dad and his girlfriend. My husband trusted them with info because he saw my dad as a father figure. And even though we didn't give them any detailed information, they still were able to figure out if things were good or bad on any given day because they were watching our child while I was at the hospital."
"So, if I called and said 'can you keep him overnight' they knew something was up. Also, this is an incredibly difficult situation. I'm not sure if you have ever watched someone you love slowly and painfully die before your eyes, and yes, his condition is very painful, but it is not something you can do alone," she continued.
She felt punished for needing a support system while also knowing there was nothing wrong with that.
She lashed out at a commenter who insinuated she was making a bigger deal out of a situation that couldn't be changed:
"Have you ever had to sit your 5-year-old down and explain that their daddy is dying? Do you have any idea what it is like?"
"What our family needs is support, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Both me and my husband need people to talk to about our thoughts and feelings and just to vent. Needing support at this time doesn't make me TA. Expecting me and my husband and my son to deal with this alone is cruel."
"My husband was well aware I was talking to my dad. He also talked to my dad. We both felt we could trust him. He has never done anything like this before. Ever. And since he is my father, I have known him all my life, so I know him well."
While some felt like the situation didn't matter at the point that the parents couldn't get access to her husband or his information, OP disagreed.
"It more than sucks that they shared personal information. They created a security risk," she replied.
"They also shared that no one was home during the day and at night me and my young child were home alone. Which resulted in his family trying to force their way in and me needing to call the cops and change the locks. I wouldn't say that is a 'so what' scenario."
Many people advised OP that not only was she right, but she needed to take steps to ensure her security in the future.
"Frankly, I'd cut everyone off permanently and make it clear they are not welcome anywhere, anytime, ever. The disrespect and selfishness is inexcusable," a commenter wrote.
"Based on the additional info I would suspect they are trying to determine how long they have to continue to steal and lie and that's it. It's all to make sure they don't have to face him getting better and that situation. I'd also make sure you get a lawyer to ensure that there aren't assets or other things that exist without your husband's knowledge. A friend had a similar situation and just by random chance, the family members used an attorney who had an assistant that knew the family and let them know that they were trying to steal a piece of valuable property that was inherited but was never told about. People will do all sorts of shady things, don't trust anyone."
OP assured people that she was legally safe. She also noted she would take more measures to protect herself and her son after her husband's death. She thanked everyone for confirming she was doing what was right and respectful to her husband.
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