“Los extraño tanto, quisiera verlos,” my mother says through tears as we catch up over the phone, and although what she is communicating comes in the form of a statement, I know that she’s actually asking a question. She says, “I miss you all so much, I wish I could see you.” I hear, “Can I come and visit over the holidays?”
She won’t ask the question directly because she knows me, and she knows how I am, and she already knows that my answer is NO. The answer is a NO in capital letters because HELLO, we’re still very much in the midst of a pandemic! Cases of COVID-19 are surging across the country, and a lot of those cases can be traced back to what is being called “living room spread.”
"The concept is quite simple. When individuals from different households or different social bubbles gather indoors and are not using masks — common scenarios would be watching the Bills game, which involves food or drink or having a dinner party — that is a very risky situation to contract the new coronavirus infection if someone in that group is infected," Dr. Thomas Russo, the chief of infectious diseases at the University at Buffalo, explains.
My mother is elderly and has all kinds of underlying conditions that put her at risk, and I could try to sound like a hero by pretending that the reason I won’t let her visit is that I want to protect her health, but that would be a lie. I mean, of course I don’t want to unwittingly expose her to the novel coronavirus, but more than that I don’t want her to expose my household to it.
If my mom were to come for a visit, we’d be setting ourselves up for living room spread big time. I know that she would take her mask off, hug us, and for the most part act like there isn’t a pandemic going on. Sure, she would take precautions outside of our home, but since we are family and we don’t have any symptoms, nor does she, she would let her guard down in our home. I know she would do this because even though she tried to hide it from me, she’s been doing it with many of our extended family members and close family friends, and I caught her, thanks to social media.
For months, my mother, who lives far away from me, made it seem like she was being very careful and was so tired of being cooped up and not seeing anyone because of the pandemic. Then one day when I was scrolling through Instagram, I saw a picture of her sitting at a restaurant table elbow-to-elbow with at least 11 other people. Those 11 other people were from at least four different households, and none of them were wearing masks. I’ll give them half a point for being outdoors, but still, that’s too many people from too many different households eating and talking without masks on, in my opinion.
Am I judging them for their behavior? Kinda sorta, but not really, because they are my family, I love them, and my family is big on socializing with each other. If anything, having only 12 people present at any gathering is a sign that my family is showing immense restraint. I come from a family that is so large, I don’t even know how many cousins I have. Pre-pandemic, 12 family members getting together would have been just an everyday thing, whereas on this occasion, they were having a birthday celebration and managed to keep the guest list super tight by our family’s standards.
When I saw that picture of my mom sitting unmasked with so many people who aren’t a part of her household, I was so mad at her for lying to me and pretending that she was some kind of pandemic hermit. I wanted to call her up and lecture her about how she’s always in and out of the hospital with infections and how she’s always telling me about how weak her immune system is and how she was literally risking her life. I did tell her those things, but I also told her that regardless of my opinions, I understand that she gets to choose how she behaves during the pandemic, and there isn’t anything I can do about it, so I won’t keep hounding her about it. But I did ask her to stop lying to me, and she has. Now I don’t have to troll my relative’s social media feeds to see if my mom is hanging out with them; she tells me.
My mother is an extremely social person, and she’s always been that way. Even a pandemic can’t keep her from socializing. I’ve made peace with that, just like she has to make peace with not being invited to spend time with me and my immediate family until there’s a vaccine that we have access to or the pandemic is over. I hope we all live to see that day. Until then, please do not expect to be invited over — not that you would want to be.
