Having a baby is an exciting time for everyone. A really fun rite of passage can be figuring out a name. Naming your baby is a huge yet exciting challenge. You want something that your kid will love, and also that means a lot to you.
Plenty of people name babies after relatives, but many babies have a fresh start when it comes to their name. To each family their own.
One dad asked Reddit whether or not he was in the wrong when it came to naming his own kids. During the process, his mom had strong opinions — and they were so strong that now their relationship is tarnished due to hurt feelings.
Sadly, it all started due to a tragedy the family had experienced years prior.
"A while back, My big brother (M28) died in a car accident, leaving behind a young son who shares his name," the poster wrote on Reddit. While it was a tragedy, the brother already had a namesake. The incident happened before the Redditor settled down himself and thought about children.
"Several years later, I married, and my wife and I started a family of our own," he continued. "As soon as our first pregnancy was announced, my mother began dropping hints that I should name the child after my brother. I wasn't too keen on the idea, as my wife and I had already chosen names that we liked and also honored our grandparents."
Things didn't improve during pregnancy No. 2.
His mom didn't drop the issue when his wife got pregnant for a second time. "During my wife's second pregnancy, my mother was very open and passive/aggressively demanding that I name the child for my brother," he said. "This time I openly refused."
It wasn't because the Redditor had anything against his deceased brother. But he recognized that his brother already had a namesake that was far more appropriate. "My reasoning, which I stand by to this day, is that my brother had a son. That son shares his name," he said.
It's a fair argument.
"If anyone had the right and responsibility to bestow my brothers name upon an offspring, it would be the son, and not me," he added. "To do otherwise would be, just, wrong." He makes a good point. It's not as if his brother wasn't honored prior to, and to add another baby with his name would only complicate things further.
He made sure to note that he had nothing against his brother. In fact, he thinks his brother would have agreed with him if he were able to. "My brother was a good guy, and I think he would have agreed, but I don't think mom has ever forgiven me," he said. He asked other Redditors for their opinion on the matter.
Pretty much everyone admitted his mom was wrong.
Bananapanda123 had the best theory as to why his mom wanted two grandchildren with the same first name. "Because the existing grandchild lives with his (the child's) mother," they said. "The widow of OP's [the original poster's] late brother, who probably has healthy boundaries with OP's mother. She probably allows visits but doesn't center her MIL in all decision making the way her MIL expects her own children to. So OP's mom wants a grandkid she has full access to through her living son."
But that doesn't mean the mom is a villain. If anything, she's trying to find ways to grieve such a terrible loss. While the death of a family member will always be shocking, it's extra painful for parents to lose their children early. All parents want is for their kids to live full, happy lives. Losing someone in a car accident is extra difficult, since it's a loss that happened suddenly and without warning.
The mom should be working out her grief with a professional.
"It’s hard for the mom to have lost the son but she is definitely going about her grief in the wrong way," writes ravynwave. "Hopefully she’s willing to see a therapist at some point. In the meantime, OP will have to enforce his boundaries or may have to limit some contact for his own mental health."
It's important for his mom to stay in touch with all of her grandkids. Even though her older son has died, she should still be able to catch up and spend quality time with his namesake. But she needs to realize that sharing a name doesn't mean the two will share looks and personality. While these kids can honor the loss of someone important, they will never take his place.
It would also make things tough on the child who already has his father's name.
Can you imagine what it'd be like to have the same name as your cousin? The two might get confused. "I know America is a lot bigger than Ireland but I have 3 cousins named after my grandfather," shared Redditor lucyken. "All with the same surname and all living in the same town of about 2000 people." Having your own identity is important for many reasons.
This isn't a good or healthy way for his mom to handle such a tragic loss. Hopefully with time, she'll find better ways to process her grief. But as for the original poster, he should feel confident naming his kids whatever he and his wife agree to. That's their role as parents, and nobody should take that away from them.
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