I am a full-blown people pleaser — and I always have been. While I've had leadership roles in my life, it's been some time since I've fallen into a position of managing others. And it might be because I tend to downplay my own skills and successes.
But even with smaller choices, I tend to downplay my needs. If someone asks me what I want to eat for dinner, my choice is often "whatever" (even if I'm really hankering for some shrimp and broccoli from the Chinese restaurant up the street). Reason being, if someone didn't want Chinese food, I wouldn't want them to feel awkward. Food is food, so why prioritize my choice over others?
That kind of behavior has both won me points in life and taken so many of them away. For one, back in my 20s, I realized it chipped away at my own self-worth. And that's because while I'm advocating for everyone else, nobody is really advocating for me. Nor should they be expected to. But down the line, I subscribed to the fact that I just didn't matter as much as others.
I'm finally realizing that I do.
People who have an abundance of confidence are usually pretty set in who they are and what they want out of life. For me, I realized that a lot of my prior jobs were letting me down. With titles like "secretary" and "administrative assistant" right out of college, I put everything I could into making the lives of those around me easier. But often at the end of the day, when I was safely at home, my smile disappeared. It's exhausting helping manage other people's lives, especially when they treat you with disrespect in return — which they often did.
The first exercise involved me.
The first step in becoming a more confident person who stands up for themselves? You have to figure out what you want.
I'm a big fan of The Office, and there's one moment in particular that I often relate to. It's the episode where Pam is also trying to find her confidence and her voice. While at the bar, she orders two beers — one regular and one lite.
She's given two regulars. Pam has a moment where she's about to accept this. And it's something many of us have done before. Even if an order is wrong and it's easy to fix, you probably figure, "Why bother?"
Oftentimes, it's no big deal to get the wrong thing. But in the moment, Pam realizes that she needs to stick up for herself. "No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite," she tells the bartender. Just like that, the order is corrected.
It was a relatable moment to watch. And it's something that's happened to all of us. But because Pam spoke up, it was corrected. And even better, it was no big deal.
Finding confidence means that you need to be really direct about what you want out of life. If you really want Burger King for lunch, voice it. If you feel like you need a mental health day, don't wait around for your boss to suggest the possibility. There's a good chance it won't happen on its own.
Taking responsibility for yourself and your choices can seem hard, but it gets easier with practice. And that's what standing up for yourself is all about.
Family is a great place to start.
It's important to tell your family what's important to you. If you don't like the way they treat your spouse, you need to say something. If you feel like they're overstaying their welcome every time they visit, you have to speak up. If they hurt your feelings, it's better to tell them than to wait for them to figure it out themselves, as they likely never will. To gain a little more self-confidence is to realize that change will never happen unless you make it happen.
Worried about hurting someone else's feelings? Trust me, I've been there before. It's important to be kind and not malicious. And one of the best ways to do that is to address problems before they bottle up and explode one day.
For example, silently being upset that your partner didn't empty the trash two months ago when they said they would is pointless in the present day. They didn't realize they hurt your feelings, and the moment has passed.
Need more inspiration to speak up right after something has bothered you? Bottling emotions is also bad for your health — which makes a lot of sense.
"Suppressing your emotions, whether it's anger, sadness, grief or frustration, can lead to physical stress on your body," provisional clinical psychologist Victoria Tarratt said to HCF. "The effect is the same, even if the core emotion differs. We know that it can affect blood pressure, memory and self-esteem."
Here are some easy ways to avoid bottling.
Pretend your mom is baking a meat lasagna for dinner, and she's invited you over as a guest. The issue is, your mom knows you're a vegetarian. She's just not taking it seriously, and she doesn't understand why you won't eat meat like the rest of the family.
Eating it is the polite thing to do, but it also proves her "theories" correct — that vegetarianism isn't something you take seriously. If you lacked the confidence to stick up for yourself, you might fall into this trap.
Or you can avoid the dinner and be mad about it for weeks. Every time you rehash the story in your mind, your mom becomes more of a villain.
Instead, how about this: Say something like, "I don't eat meat, but I can bring over some veggie sides if you'd like." Be firm with it, and address it right when the issue presents itself. You're reminding your mom of your boundaries. In doing so, you'll have a more enjoyable night together.
But it's a skill you can also bring with you to work. Perhaps you feel like your boss is snapping at you more than usual. It might be good to calmly bring it up instead of worry about what you did wrong.
Again, a lot of this depends on your boss. But when you use the right words, they should know your words are coming from a good place. Your boss is a person as well, and people sometimes have bad days.
That said, it's also important to remember that a bad mood doesn't necessarily point to something you did. That's another toxic thought that can really affect your confidence.
Remind yourself how important you are.
You are very important. People out there love and depend on you. But sometimes, when you've been treated like a doormat for so long, that's easy to forget.
You need to remind yourself of your worth often in order to build confidence. And understandably, that can be hard. One of the best things to do is to sit down and completely fill your calendar. The world might be in varying stages of shutdown, but as a society, we've learned throughout this tough time that there are plenty of ways to still be social.
Schedule a Zoom hangout with your best friends every Friday night. Go to an outdoor concert, if you can. Take a walk outside. Try to explore your whole neighborhood. By keeping yourself occupied, you'll naturally gain a stronger sense of confidence. Choose to spend time with people who naturally make you feel good about yourself.
You can even psych yourself up in the mirror. Every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and smile. There's literally only one you. And you have a lot to offer to the world. You can even create your own mantra, if that helps.
Every day is a chance to make change. So even if you're feeling overworked and have given up on happiness, remember — today could be the day when a new opportunity presents itself. Be positive. The more you try to see the rainbow after the storm, the easier it'll be to build your confidence.
And don't be so hard on yourself.
This is something I still struggle with the most. It's hard for me to realize that I'm my own worst critic. Oftentimes, I criticize myself in my head and try to attribute that to how others likely feel. It's difficult to remind myself that these thoughts should hold little weight.
If a lack of confidence comes from something in the past, remember — everyone makes mistakes. And the sooner you rise from it and move forward, the sooner it can be just a blip in the past.
If someone else is causing that lack of confidence? Then try to cut them out. That may be hard if it's a boss or coworker, but it's fairly simple with a negative friend or sibling. If you temporarily mute someone on social media, you'll avoid seeing their name every day. That means their negative influence can leave your mind and you can build up the strength and confidence levels that they continuously try to knock down.
You also need to get rid of the notion that you have to be good at everything. Think about your attitude back in high school. While we all strived to get straight As, some of us just weren't strong in math and science. Others couldn't learn a language despite the amount of effort we put in. We shouldn't be expected to naturally have a knack for everything out there.
That's what makes us special and unique. We all have different skills and talents. So cut yourself some slack. The most important thing is that you tried your hardest. If you haven't figured out your special skill yet, keep trying new activities. It'll come soon, and it'll make life a lot more enjoyable.
Advocating for yourself is especially important for women.
Sometimes, just being a woman puts us at a disadvantage for a job or opportunity. And that's why it's important to dodge the stereotypes and speak up. Women can be incredible bosses. Women can fight fires. And, one day, a woman will be president — and run the country better than it's ever been run before.
But when women don't believe in themselves, or don't have the confidence to hit these goals they dream of, things can fall apart. Women need to know that they're literally capable of anything. Just because a woman hasn't done something before doesn't mean they can't or shouldn't.
The Bahnsen Group spoke to Katherine B. Coffman, an assistant professor at the Harvard Business School, to ask her why women often aren't involved in STEM. STEM careers often contain more men, even though women are capable of taking on these science and mathematically based jobs. She believed it was all due to self-confidence.
"This weak self-confidence may hold some women back as they count themselves out of pursuing prestigious roles in professions they believe they won’t excel in, despite having the skills to succeed," Katherine stated.
That, in itself, is very telling. If women knew how powerful they were, they could literally change the world. All it takes is the drive, motivation, and constant awareness that they're more than qualified.
Standing up for yourself means that you're putting your feelings first.
Being an empathetic person is a good trait. It's a great way to relate to others. But naturally empathetic people may forget that they have feelings too that deserve to be recognized.
As grown adults, we need to remember that other people are in charge of how they feel. If someone is truly that upset that you spoke up with an opinion that's different from their own, that's their burden to carry.
If they try to pin it on you, you need to learn how to shut it down. Be deliberate with your feelings. If they try to attack your character, it's a weak attempt on their part. Remember — if you've been a doormat for a while, some people in your life might be taken off guard when you finally find and use your voice.
The key to getting confident is trusting your own intuition. If someone says something mean-spirited to you in order to bring you down, your physical response might be a big lump in your throat and the feeling that tears are on their way. Take a deep breath and realize that what you do next is completely up to you.
It's perfectly OK to challenge what was said. In fact, it's pretty safe to say that the person who hurt your feelings assumed you'd be too timid to have a retort. Work on being kind and straightforward at the same time. It might take you some time to find the right words, but they're inside of you.
Never forget — your voice is one of your most powerful tools. Use it, and take control. From there, your natural confidence will take off.
