When Tom Stocky's daughter was born, he and his wife made a decision. Tom would stay at home with their baby girl, while his wife would return to work. While it is no secret that today, more and more couples are sharing childbearing and household responsibilities, many people are still shocked when they see Dad playing the role of a caretaker. Tom admits it himself, for the first two months as a stay-at-home parent, he dreaded it. Why? Well, it was hard! Being a parent is hard. The tasks that stay-at-home moms have been doing for centuries with little recognition for it is real, hard work.
While at first caring for his baby girl was physically and mentally exhausting after two months, he realized something important: that his daughter loved him. That she was excited to see him. That because they spent so much time together, they had formed an unbreakable bond and a special experience that he never would have gotten had he not stayed at home…
"The first days of paternity leave were harder than I thought. Caring for my daughter was physical work that required being constantly alert. I had thought her two naps each day would serve as breaks, but instead that time was mostly used for showering, feeding myself, washing bottles, cleaning up her high chair and toys, and doing tasks around the house that would be more difficult when she was awake."
"For the first few weeks, I missed my old job. The new one was more physically exhausting and less mentally stimulating. Each day was almost identical to the last: wake, change, feed, play, feed, change, nap, change, feed, play, feed, change, nap, change, feed, play, feed, sleep."
"A switch flipped sometime just after the 2nd month, when I could more easily imagine myself being happy doing this full time. Maybe it was because she was 2 months older and had learned new and cooler tricks or maybe it was because I was really starting to reap the benefits of my work.
It was nice to have her like me so much, to come to me for comfort when she fell, to come and cuddle with me when she got sleepy, to run toward me screaming with excitement after I'd been away for a while. I realized that's just because I spent so much time with her, but I didn't care, it felt really good. Maybe it was also because I got better at childcare. It feels nice to be good at something, and I got much better at the work I was doing at home."
"What I never got used to was the double-standard for fathers when it comes to childcare… I remember one unusually direct comment from a women who told me, 'It's too bad you can't earn as much as your wife so she can be the one to stay home.' I don't mind the assumption about earning potential, but I do mind the one about my wife being the preferred at-home parent."
“I read Lean In during my paternity leave and the book argues that we need to do more to support at-home spouses of working mothers. Speaking from my brief experience as an at-home dad, I couldn’t agree more.
It’s with mixed emotions that I go back to office work tomorrow. I love that job… But I also know that I’m going to miss my daughter terribly, and I already feel guilty that I’m a bad parent for spending so much less time with her.”
See more of Tom’s story in the video below!
Please SHARE if you're glad this mom and dad decided to do what was best for their daughter, not just what society expects of them!
