Families come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes, people don't get it right during their first marriage and find happiness with their second. And many times, these arrangements work out perfectly.
But sometimes, when kids are involved, some lines may be a little skewed. And that's why one stepmom went on Reddit.
"My husband passed away four years ago," she wrote. "Still, our home is just as much his kids (15 and 17) as it is ours. They still have keys to the house, their own bedrooms, and spend a ton of time over. As they've gotten older and started driving themselves, the communication with their mom has dwindled a bit."
The stepmom continued, "I've invited her over but she said we weren't close before he passed and will not be close now. Blunt, but honest and I respect it."
As many stepmothers know, trying to keep the peace with their husband's first wife is one of the hardest challenges to conquer. However, it seems as if this stepmom respects her boundaries. Sometimes, being able to tolerate each other is good enough. A friendship doesn't have to develop.
That said, she is absolutely enamored with her stepchildren. "I adore these kids," she said. "I've known them since they were one and three years old. They're family. We hadn't had family photos done since before my husband got sick so when I was ready to get new ones done, it seemed obvious that they would be in them." From the outside, it seemed like a sweet plan. Who doesn't like professional photos?
"Their mom dropped off the youngest a bit before then and I mentioned I was getting them," she added. "I didn't mention specifically that both my kids and her kids would be in them because I assumed she would assume so." But she also thought of their mom while having the photos made.
"We get the photos done, I ask the photographer to get some shots of just my bonus kids for their mom," she explained. "We get the photos back and I get prints for her. I texted asking if she'd like me to drop them off while I was out or if it'd be better to send them home with the kids. She didn't respond until the next day and tells me I need to learn boundaries."
Obviously, that's a tough response for someone who tried to go out of their way to include everyone. "We talked a bit, it wasn't a fight necessarily but she said it made her uncomfortable," she said. "She said I wouldn't get professional photos of any of my kids' other friends without asking and that it [was] weird."
In that line, it seems as if the mom is failing to realize that her kids' stepmom still matters. To refer to her children as "friends" seems strange, especially since friends don't normally have beds at other people's homes. "I was thrown off because although our kids don't share DNA, they've always called each other brothers. They've been together since they were in diapers. She said she loves that I love them like my own but they aren't my own and I overstepped."
"I feel like I shouldn't have had to ask," the stepmom said. "These weren't my boyfriend's kids I saw every other weekend, these are kids that were at our house just as much as their own. If my husband was alive, there would be no question that they would be in the pictures. If they were family then, why not now?"
While it makes sense to respect boundaries, especially in a new situation, it almost seems like their mom is trying to forget that their over-a-decade-long relationship didn't even happen. That, or perhaps she thinks that their stepmom will try to overshadow her. These were just harmless photos.
Reddit agreed, stating that there was nothing this stepmom did that was out of line. Usernaym99 gave great advice, stating, "since you haven't had other problems with their Mom and since they're so close to adulthood that there won't be many opportunities for misunderstandings in the next three years, I'd call this one of those moments for a false apology. Apologize for 'overstepping' and leave it at that."
Trying to start a war, or overthinking the conversation, likely won't lead to anything positive. Instead, it may add fuel to the fire and make future interactions even more difficult. Redditor rlezar agreed, adding, "This is a good opportunity to deploy 'I'm sorry that I upset you.' It's perfectly fine to apologize for how you inadvertently made someone else feel, even when you see no reason to apologize for what you did."
Others feel that by now, the kids are old enough to make their own decisions. They're teenagers, and they weren't necessarily forced to have their pictures taken — they volunteered. "At that age I wouldn't ask a parent," said qqweertyy. "I'd ask the kid, they're their own person and that is a more than age appropriate decision for them to make themselves. It wouldn't even cross my mind that a parent would want to be consulted."
Yellowchaitea feels as if the Redditor meant well. But they pointed out that the kids are still technically minors. "You're not wrong for wanting family photos after your spouse died, it's almost a nice reminder to your stepkids that you still view them as family," they wrote. "But I also don't think biological mom is wrong for being upset that you took photos of her kids without her knowing it/giving permission. I understand you figure you're family and if dad was alive it would have been fine. BUT from a legal perspective, in most places, you're not allowed to take photos of minors without their parents' permission."
All in all, it doesn't sound malicious from either side. The mom didn't threaten to shut her kids out. But she might have a hard time seeing their stepmom as a legitimate co-parent. Roles have changed, and feelings may be a little raw.
By working on their communication and respecting each other, these two will likely strengthen what they currently have. Although it's been four years, it's possible that both of them never really sat down and thought of the situation from the other's point of view. Had the stepmom just been a girlfriend, there's a good chance an interaction like this would come off as being strange.
It's also possible that the biological mother may be working through her own feelings. It may be easy for her to compare the two of them, now that their once-shared link is no longer around. But it does seem as if they're both trying. While they may never be friends, they can at least be civil with each other.
It's a good reminder to anyone that families don't need to fit a specific pattern. It's OK for these kids to have two homes, both of which offer them love and support. While their biological mom may have acted strangely, she has a right to define her own boundaries.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
