I really hope people have given up on the idea that productivity and a pandemic fit seamlessly hand in hand. Having more time at home has not equated to more opportunities for me to reach personal or professional goals. Being home means helping three children navigate online learning while I also try to complete work assignments, while trying to do all of the other day-to-day tasks while being weighed down by the anxiety of uncertainty.
Some days are good simply because we got through one crying fit and emotional breakdown after the other; some days come with fewer tears and washed dishes, finished homework, and clean laundry. Routines change quickly, and so do our moods. After nearly a year into pandemic living, I’m drained and don’t have the energy to do more than the bare minimum. Unfortunately, this means I don’t have the oomph to add socializing to my schedule, either.
The message throughout the pandemic has been to reach out and stay connected. We were supposed to socially distance ourselves while staying socially in touch with friends and family, but this got harder for me the longer the pandemic went on. I absolutely agree that human connection is vital, and I miss my friends and a busy social calendar, but I haven’t had the motivation to reach out to friends or to accept their loose invitations to hang out, either virtually or when it’s safe to do so outside.
I don’t think I did it consciously at first, but I realized I wasn’t reaching out much or at all. I didn’t feel like I was withdrawing, rather conserving energy and setting boundaries for myself. I’m good at reading and then absorbing other people’s energy, and I didn’t have it in me to manage my emotions while they mingled with others’.
My friends are not emotional vampires, nor do I feel responsible for their emotions; I’m intuitive and an empath, and I know my limits of feeling good in social situations. The holidays are always hard for me, and now we are in the coldest days of winter and everything is harder, including hanging out with friends. I hate that I’m feeling this way, but socializing feels like work. It is work. The friendships aren’t hard, but the ways to benefit from them feel difficult.
Getting together with friends is no longer spontaneous or even familiar. It takes a ton of scheduling gymnastics because kids are always around, the COVID-19 shuffle is real, and plans no longer have staying power. If meeting someone in person, extra thoughtfulness is also needed to make sure everyone can stay safe. Even if I’m following guidelines, I second-guess my decision. And when I’m with friends, there is still a longing for the way it “used to be.”
I miss smiles and hugs. I miss being inside with people, sharing food and the comfort of a couch. I am very thankful for technology and its ability to keep us connected, but Zoom fatigue is very real. The idea of another video chat at the end of the day is not appealing. Seeing a friend through a screen is also frustrating because it’s a reminder that we are still in the middle of a pandemic and we are missing the people we love.
I felt guilty about these sentiments and what could be considered a lack of effort or productivity when it comes to my relationships. I remind myself that productivity can have many different meanings depending on many different variables. For me, productivity is fluid and won’t ever fit everyone’s image of a successful day. I’m not always the best employee, parent, or friend, but in any given moment I’m doing the best I can, and that has to be enough.
There’s just too much going on right now to also judge whatever emotions are keeping me from seeking external interactions. I’ve also been practicing trust. Some of my friends have gone quiet, too, and instead of feeling mad or insecure about it, I send quiet understanding into the universe. I try to send a quick text to let them know I’m thinking about them. I don’t assume anyone is upset with me in the same way I know I’m not avoiding people because of any wrongs. I’m simply exhausted.
Be kind to yourself and know that it’s OK if you aren’t up for socializing. Be up front with people with whom you decline a walk or Zoom happy hour with. Your friends will appreciate your honesty and will hopefully encourage you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. It’s OK if the best you or your friend can do is pass a rain check back and forth to each other.
Struggling with mental illness is not the same as feeling a little anti-social. If you are struggling with depression and are withdrawing from loved ones, please reach out. The National Suicide Prevention is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.
