Being in the hospital with my newborn baby were some of the most incredible, touching, and beautiful moments of my life. Sure, there were some scary, complicated, and challenging parts, but having a full-time staff of medical professionals on hand to help me through those first days was invaluable.
Everything about it felt kind of amazing, actually — until I left the hospital.
As I was being wheeled down the hall and to the front door of the facility, a feeling crept over me that I will never forget — it was pure petrification. How was I going to function with an infant in my life? What had I been thinking? Could I even do this?
Thankfully, I had the support of my husband and some family nearby to help, but as the days unfolded and the difficulties became more and more clear, I realized I was in for some of the hardest days of my life.
The weeks and months went by slowly, and brought with them new challenges, crises, and concerns. Teaching my son how to eat solid food, leaving him alone with a new babysitter, trying to help him learn to sleep and every other issue a new parent faces brought on much panic in me. Tears flowed plentifully in that time. Sometimes getting myself out of bed or getting dressed just felt like so much.
My husband and I wondered, separately and together, if I weren’t suffering from postpartum depression.
I searched adamantly for a PPD counselor or specialist that was covered by my insurance, but I was never able to find one. I had nowhere to run from this horrible sensation that took over my body from the time I woke up until the moment I crashed asleep at night, and so I just … leaned into it.
Regular Therapy
I was able to locate a decent therapist, who, while not experienced in postpartum depression, was a woman and a mother. Through our conversations, I learned that many of the sensations I felt were things that new mothers experienced. Talking with her twice weekly was a first step in helping myself to feel better.
A Support Team
Along with the therapist, I had an in-home counselor who came to visit me through an organization that offered myriad services, including helping new moms get a handle on parenthood. I randomly found out about the organization from a flyer on a bulletin board when my son was just a few months old, and it worked with us until he outgrew the program at age 5. Those regular visits helped me tremendously.
In addition to them, I had my mother-in-law, who came to spend time with my son regularly, and my husband. Though my own mom wasn’t able to visit frequently due to distance, she offered me much wisdom and help through regular phone calls, and on the times she could visit. I had a babysitter whom I trusted who came on regularly to help with my son and give me breaks.
Peer Support
Probably most useful of everything were the other mothers I met and leaned on in the earliest days of parenting. Through online groups, I was able to meet and connect in real life with mothers who lived in my neighborhood. We went to classes and events together, to the park so our kids could play, on walks, to eat meals together and even developed friendships, some of which I still enjoy today. My mom friends were one of the biggest parts of my success and how I was able to come out on the other side of postpartum depression.
Writing
I’ve always enjoyed writing, but during the early days of motherhood, I began to keep a blog where I posted stories about parenting. I found I really enjoyed writing in this space, and went on to write for other parenting blogs and then, later, bigger publications. I joined online writing groups that were mostly moms and women. Writing gave me a place and way to organize my thoughts, fears, hopes, and plans. It was one of the most important things that allowed me to get through the hard early days of motherhood.
Time
Ultimately, as my son started getting older and began hitting his various developmental milestones, I was able to relax a little bit. The fears of motherhood didn’t go away, but the grip they had on me loosened. The fears, anxiety and depression that came with parenting began to dissipate, until I found myself feeling closer to my old self again.
I know I’ll never be that person ever again — I know too much.
Thankfully, my case was somewhat manageable. There are warning signs for postpartum depression that should not be ignored. Thankfully, the same medical staff that help us through pregnancy can be there to help after, as well as family, friends, and loved ones.
And, of course, in a pinch, there’s always chocolate.
