Families come in many forms. Some people are adopted into a family, and other times, families include a lot of stepsiblings. As the years go on, nontraditional families become more common.
But there can still be some deep emotions involved when it comes to bloodlines. One mom felt that directly when she told her story on Reddit. She realized she was becoming somewhat resentful of a freshly announced baby, and she needed a chance to get her opinions out.
"I (30F) got pregnant when I was 18 and met my now husband (33M) two weeks after giving birth," she wrote. "Within the first year of my son's life, the bio dad signed away his rights and my husband adopted our son." It sounds like a healthy way of starting a family.
Her husband has been the boy's father since day one.
"My husband has always treated my son as if he’s his bio dad," she reiterated. "We haven't told my son yet that he has a different dad than our 3 daughters. My in-laws know this, but have always treated our son the same way." While it's not great knowing there's a secret in the family, it seemed like everyone was on the same page with the arrangement.
"A couple Christmases ago my BIL and his wife gave my in-laws two gifts," she wrote. "The first one had an ultrasound and a due date. The second one had 'baby boy' clothes and shoes in it. Everyone freaked out and were so excited. Then, my SIL and MIL started yelling over and over again, 'FINALLY WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A (last name) BOY TO PASS ON THE FAMILY NAME!!!' My heart instantly broke."
It seemed like the other side of the family immediately forgot about her son.
"Luckily, my son was just out of earshot," she said. "My face instantly dropped, but I didn't say anything as to not ruin the new parents special moment. I didn't end up bringing it up at all to my in-laws. I just started staying home during weekend dinners and when my MIL gave me an invite to (new mom's) baby shower I said I was going to be gone for the night."
It must have been uncomfortable for her to dodge all of those special occasions, especially when nobody knew why. But the moment was too painful. "Deep down it absolutely crushed me because I felt like the true feelings had come out," she said. "It made me feel like they never actually viewed my son as part of the family."
Her son even has the family's last name.
According to her, it was one of the biggest Freudian slips she's heard. "Fast forward to about ten months later," she said. "I had been excusing myself from all possible family gatherings. My husband decided one day that it had been long enough and they needed to know what they did and how it looked/felt." Finally, the truth came out.
"He went over by himself and at first it was just his mom and dad," she said. "He told them how it all played out and what was said over and over again. My MIL instantly got defensive and my FIL instantly defended her." She realized that what came next wasn't in support of either her or her son.
Her father-in-law made a point to say that the distance was what stung the most.
"You have absolutely no idea how hard this has been on your mother for the past few months," he reportedly said. "This has been eating away at her and stressing her out so much!"
But in the retelling, the original poster noticed that there wasn't any mention of how her son would have felt. "No one ever reached out to try and make it right," she said. "They then called my SIL over because she had said it too and they wanted to include her in the conversation that was extremely one-sided."
They claimed that there was a misunderstanding. "'We didn’t mean it like that.. we meant ANOTHER boy to pass on the name.' No. Absolutely not. You two yelled it over and over again," she wrote. "My husband doesn't have a biological son. Only an adopted one. There was no apology. There were excuses and a lot of defensive talk. Apparently some of it was my fault."
So, was she in the wrong?
Well, yes and no.
By doing some simple math, Redditors figured out that her son is 12. And 12 is old enough to know you're not biologically related to someone. That was something that many Redditors couldn't get over — the fact that it was still a big secret that had the potential of getting more painful the longer it was held.
"You have kept this well-known secret from your 12-year-old son," wrote one Redditor. "He is more than old enough for the facts. Some of your strong reaction may even be your own guilt at keeping this from him as if it matters — which obviously, it does not. Also, because you should have spoken with your in-laws about the situation once the most heated emotion had passed (a few days, probably). Choosing the passive-aggressive route rarely has the effect you hope for."
They make an excellent point.
But the in-laws really should have apologized.
Bloodlines and last names aren't what make a family. And they've known this boy since he was born. It seems like they were quick to dismiss him in their excitement, and that was definitely hurtful. If he had heard, it would have sabotaged many relationships that day.
Most people admitted that several parties were in the wrong here. "This should never have been a family secret to begin with," wrote another commenter. "Your son is some day going to find out he has a different biological father, and is probably going to resent the lie. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. His dad is his dad, regardless of biology. Especially since his dad treats him the same as his actual biological children." They noted that the grandparents also screwed up here, big time.
She admits that if she could do it all again, it would be different.
Unfortunately, she can't turn back the clock and tell her son the truth about his father. But she acknowledges that talk will happen soon. "I've made choices that I felt were for the best for my son/kids and I absolutely could have and did mess up along the way," she wrote. "No one is perfect and if I could go back I would make changes. I’m doing the best I can and all I can do moving forward is give all my kids the love and support they need."
But at the same time, hearing from commenters that the cheers were inappropriate definitely helped her realize that she wasn't the only person in the wrong here. Hopefully, this is a situation that can be cleared up for everyone's benefit.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
