Being a stepparent isn't easy. For one 28-year-old woman on Reddit, it's challenging because she doesn't want to be a parent at all. She told her husband, 42, this when they began dating.
He has kids from a previous marriage — Lucas, 18, Lily, 16, and Kayla, 13 — but it had not been a major source of conflict during the woman and her husband's four years of being together because her husband only saw his kids for one weekend per month. Now, though, Lily and Kayla might need to move in with the couple, and the woman is not having it.
Despite not wanting kids, the woman has tried to be a good stepmother.
She explained that she was very clear with her husband about not wanting to take care of his children. In spite of this, she has tried to build a good relationship with her stepchildren. She has a decent relationship with Lucas and Kayla, but Lily seems much less open to building a relationship.
The woman has tried to do nice things for Lily.
"I've tried to take her out for girls days, shopping sprees and fun outings. She either refuses to go or complains the whole time," the woman explained on Reddit. "The last straw was when I got her something from her wishlist last Christmas (a bracelet that she wanted), and she threw it away, saying that I got her the wrong one and I was too poor to understand the difference."
Additionally, Lily has said that the woman only married her dad for money, which the woman insists is not true because she has a high-paying job and a lot of money of her own.
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Lily and Kayla want to switch schools.
Lily and Kayla want to switch schools, and the school is closer to the woman and her husband's house than it is to their mom's house. The woman works from home, so she's not ready to take on the parenting duties that her husband wouldn't really be involved in, given that he works outside of the home. She also said that she's fine with Kayla living with them, but doesn't want Lily staying there.
Her husband thinks she needs to be a better stepmom.
Although the woman's husband married her knowing that she didn't want to be a mom, he is now telling her that she needs to be a better stepmom to his kids. The woman and her husband have been fighting over this issue, with her husband telling her that she can't let a teenager affect her so much, so the woman asked the Reddit community for their thoughts on the situation.
The woman added that her husband says he regrets having children.
Later, the woman added that her husband said he didn't want custody of his kids and he regretted having them. She said that when the kids visit for one weekend per month, she tends to spend more time with them than her husband does. She has also suggested therapy, but her husband is not interested in it.
She was also pressured to get married.
Some Redditors judged the woman for marrying a man with kids when she didn't want them and for marrying a man much older than she is, but she explained that her family pressured her into getting married and made her believe that she had limited options at her age.
"I was led to believe by my family that he was the best I would get due to my age. Most women in my community are married by 21. We got to know each other and I fell in love with him, and he assured me he would support my career and i wouldn't have to take the typical role of a mother," she explained, adding that some Redditors who responded with judgment might not understand her culture.
Marrying a man with kids was obviously going to be an issue at some point, Redditors say.
Some Redditors believe the woman should've realized that living with the kids was always a possibility, even if her husband claimed that he wasn't all that interested in being a parent. Circumstances can change, they pointed out, and her husband already has kids.
"The kids aren't going to magically disappear just because you or your husband decide you don't want them around," one Redditor wrote. "My wish for 2024 is for people to stop marrying parents if they don't want to deal with the kids."
The woman's husband is worse though, some believe.
One Redditor who initially blamed the woman changed their mind and added that the way her husband is acting is not OK. "You're still not innocent though," the Redditor wrote.
Others believe the husband is at fault more than the woman is.
"He wants her to parent while refusing to make any changes in his own life to accommodate them moving in – leaving work on time or working from home," one Redditor pointed out, thinking it sounds like a bad deal.
Another could not understand why the woman would marry this man after what he said about his own kids.
"My wish is that people stop marrying men who say horrific [expletive] and then come to Reddit all shocked Pikachu that the man they married is horrific," the Redditor wrote. "Like, literally married a man who straight up said he regrets his kids…This is not the person you should be marrying."
Lily is just a teenager.
Some Redditors think it's ridiculous that the woman is essentially fighting with a teen, but they also think the husband could do more to, well, parent his own children.
"Your husband sucks for letting this go so far and not parent his daughter," one person wrote. "It is ok if she doesn't want to have a close relationship with you, but it is certainly not ok to disrespect you."
"You’re beefing with a 16 year old," another wrote. "She’s a young girl, learn to do better."
The woman is right for having boundaries, according to some Redditors.
Though some people had an issue with the woman marrying her husband knowing that he had kids, another Redditor pointed out that the big issue is that the husband wants his wife to parent his children — but he doesn't seem to have any desire to get involved.
"The husband is trying to make OP parent/ babysit/ take care of his children while he doesn't want to step up," the Redditor wrote. "He is being selfish. At the same time, OP lives in a culture where women are undervalued, and she was coerced into getting married because of social norms." The Redditor told the woman that she should set boundaries and should have a say when it comes to who lives with her.
A few other Redditors suggested that the woman rent an apartment to work in.
"You made your position known and your husband is attempting to strong-arm you and override it, in your shared home," one Redditor wrote. "You might consider taking some of your hard-earned money and renting an apartment to work from and live in, not out of anger or revenge, but out of practicality."
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