Dating as a single mom requires a lot more effort than people may realize. Sometimes, as a mom of two who is perpetually putting herself out there then taking breaks from dating when she remembers how downright emotionally exhausting it is, I just need to lay it out there that dating is just plain harder for us, and therefore we need our potential partners to work a little harder, too.
Most potential partners seriously don't get that. Believe me, because I've been through my fair share of grown-a** man-children who want to treat me like a 21-year-old college student who is cool to meet up after 10 or drink lemon drop shots. (I mean, let's at least drink something nice, like mezcal.) Actually, I've been through my fair share and yours, and it's a frustrating experience to be so constantly disappointed.
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No. I'm not setting my standards too high. I'm asking for the same things anyone should be asking for when embarking on a new relationship: respect, effort, and honesty. Perhaps just a little bit more.
Most of the time, the men I meet seem to fall short of meeting my most essential needs. Typically, it feels like they're looking for something easier and more low maintenance, or they just aren't prepared for all of the realities of dating a woman with kids.
Here's what potential partners need to know about dating a mother.
1. We need you to put in the work.
If you're trying to date a single mom, you need to be willing to put the work in. I'm not talking about planning epic trips or even buying flowers. I'm talking about something as simple as planning a date. Don't depend on us to set reservations and find the coolest new restaurant. It's not that we're incapable. It's that we don't want to do all of the work. The rest of our lives are work. We need a potential partner who jumps at the chance to make the plans so that we don't have to. You don't have to order our food for us or cut it up. But taking the time to make a plan (which is probably something our exes didn't do) really goes a long way with us.
2. We're looking for something real.
Not every single mom is ready to settle down again, and hoo-boy, I'm not either! But what we are ready for is genuine connection. The truth is, when I first got out of my marriage, I was OK to have some flings. But at the heart of it, I wanted to feel something real. I wanted fire, romance, and deep meaningful conversation. In short, I wanted it all. And why wouldn't I? I had just gotten out of a marriage that was less than satisfying, and I'd been quietly existing in that for a very long time. That makes it hard to settle for a connection that isn't fully real or worth our time.
3. We're setting examples with our choices.
Everyone wants to make good choices when it comes to who they date and what they choose to accept from the people they date. But moms have a lot more weighing on them in this department. Our kids are looking up to us, and even if we choose to keep our dating lives private, they still know when something is off. They hear whisperings about our personal lives. And if things get really serious, they may even meet the people we choose to have in our lives. It puts the pressure on, because not only do we not want to date someone who isn't deserving of us for our own selves, but we also know our kids are watching. They see our example, and if it's not a good one, that could mean they will have unhealthy views of how they should be treated in relationships.
4. We've been through some crap.
Everybody has wounds, but single moms probably have some deep ones. Hopefully, if we're feeling ready to put ourselves back out there, those wounds have turned to scars. But that doesn't mean that it won't be hard for us to trust again. We may have had some pretty painful experiences and struggle to not respond to new people based on that old pain.
We need potential partners to realize that, like everyone else, we're works in progress. But if we care enough to be giving you what thin slices of time we have to date, try to be patient and assure us that you're in our lives for the right reasons.
5. We're masters of compromise.
While there are a lot of challenging things about dating single moms, there are other truths that are actually pretty awesome. The first is that we're amazing at compromising. Because we have kids, we've learned to choose our battles. That means that we're some of the best people to get into a relationship with because we won't sweat the small stuff. It's just what happens after being a parent for a while. That means fewer petty arguments and more time spent just enjoying one another.
6. We are full of love and warmth.
They say when you have kids, the love you have inside you multiplies. Ain't that the truth? Mothers are some of the most loving and caring people. And it's true in relationships, too. We're so used to giving love and tenderness that it begins to come naturally. We're excellent nurturers, too. But we aren't going to give our love away for free. The bottom line is, we're worth putting in the effort for because we have so much to give back.
