It is so easy as a parent to try to control every detail of your child’s life. This is where the term helicopter parenting comes from. One of the biggest lessons in parenting though is that you actually cannot control everything. Jennifer Garner embraces a different approach. The actress appeared on Today With Hoda & Jenna and explained she believes her kids should experience “benign neglect.”
Oona Hanson, a Los Angeles parenting coach, agrees with Jennifer. She added that kids need room to grow, make mistakes, and even be bored. It is OK for them to have their own lives.
Just because Jennifer believes in giving her children space, that doesn’t mean she is not present. “I want to be around. But I also think it’s OK if they suffer from a little bit of benign neglect,” she explained.
Jennifer believes in giving her kids agency over their lives and enjoying hers. “Their lives are their own,” she said. “I’m not trying to live their life, and I don’t mind that they see that I love mine.”
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Oona spoke with CNN to clarify what she thinks Jennifer meant. She believes benign neglect is a fun turn of phrase to differentiate from a helicopter parent. She supports Jennifer’s views wholeheartedly.
“This interview has caught attention because I think a lot of parents are hungry for permission or role models on how to take a step back from that kind of intensive parenting,” Oona explained. “I think it is a handy way to say like, ‘Yeah, I’m stepping off this intensive parenting treadmill that wasn’t serving me or my kids.’”
It is OK and even healthy to give kids freedom to grow independently. “They’re creating a safe, loving environment, and they’re letting kids be bored or letting kids figure things out on their own, or letting kids make mistakes and aren’t feeling so anxious about whether or not their child can handle it,” she went on to say.
Author Catherine Newman also agrees with Jennifer and practiced benign neglect with her own children. When her children chose not to go to summer camp, the deal was they could not bother Catherine during working hours. “They were, like, incredibly imaginative and self-sufficient, and I got to not feel sort of that dread and guilt all day about abandoning them,” she explained.
Psychologist Dr. Janine Domingues also stresses the importance of parents having their own lives outside of their children. “It’s really important for your kids to see you prioritize you so that when they grow up they know that it’s really beneficial for them to prioritize themselves and have an identity [outside of being a parent],” she explained.
This does not mean that you neglect your kids completely. They have to know it is OK to come to you with their problems when they need help. “You also want your child to know that you are there for support when it is needed,” Dr. Domingues explained. “It’s really about parents having compassion for themselves, listening to their intuition and finding community.”
